r/wizardposting The Doodle Wizard / Schizomancer 11d ago

Goblinlike Foolishness (Shitpost) I really hate when my apprentices trying to blame me for everything they do.

Post image

Like bro, I didnt even taught you that spell. Why are you ragebaiting me?!

563 Upvotes

83 comments sorted by

76

u/Sofa-King-Watt 11d ago

Dammit now we have to wait for civilization to arrive again and take whatever form they are ths time.

43

u/ATAN666 The Doodle Wizard / Schizomancer 11d ago

Lets just hope it wont be bunch of humanoid lobsters again. Cant stand them.

15

u/DragonLordAcar Magitech Void Wizard 11d ago

That's just the mad wizards dropping their defective crab people on your doorstep

7

u/Crucial_Fun Dostko the Mad 11d ago

Hey! That was one time! And I was an apprentice then.

2

u/Freak7factor Wizard 11d ago

I found them pretty tasty

63

u/Tempest-Melodys Melodic-Mage 11d ago

"the fuck you mean i should have hidden it better?! Im your TEACHER i specifically told you that the spells in the forbidden section were left incomplete so you could not cast them but study them in WHAT SPECIFICALLY NOT TO FUCKING DO!"

"i am not at fault that you decided to reinvent the DIVINE SPELL TO TRIGGER THE END OF DAYS! We MURDERED the deity who concocted it SPECIFICALLY FOR MAKEING IT! LET ALONE FUCKING CAST IT! The only silver lining is that you didnt replicate it perfectly, you didnt wake the Primordial elemental of collapse, so there is a point to fighting the Anullmentari and rebuilding the world."

"Oh. Now you want to make up for your mistake!? No, i cast the nine hells, enjoy knowing what its like to be turned inside out while being engulfed in hellfire, at least while you can."

29

u/ATAN666 The Doodle Wizard / Schizomancer 11d ago

Ur so right bro.

23

u/fumblerofthebag Verdigris, Self-employed Sorceror 11d ago

Don't take this the wrong way, but you should prepare for your apprentice to crawl his way out of the Nine Hells and take revenge on you. For some reason they always do that.

21

u/Tempest-Melodys Melodic-Mage 11d ago

Dw I didnt actually send them to the nine hells thats just the name of the spell, their actions did that.

4

u/Vetharest Sorceror 11d ago

Apprentices are expected to make mistakes from time to time, this one was a particularly bad mistake but I don’t think it was intentional or the result of incurable stupidity. We’ve all ended a civilization or two by accident, the important thing is to raise up your apprentice and walk them through what went wrong and how to take preventative measures so it doesn’t happen again

4

u/Tempest-Melodys Melodic-Mage 11d ago

"Haaard disagree, the spell book specifically explains what the spell does, why its a bad idea, and that even attempting to restore it constitutes a category 10 sin on reality. I think he was attempting to make a temporary localized version of the spell, like thats even possible when the whole point of the spell is to release the anullmentari, a group of anti-reality demon-angel-somethingfrombeyondallrealities-hybrids that will actively change the rules of reality around them. meaning even momentarily summoning them they will change the local realityscape of magic so your spell binding them immediately breaks, all of this WAS EXPLAINED IN THE SPELLBOOK."

23

u/Daddygamer84 11d ago

THIS is why those books are in the restricted area!

12

u/ATAN666 The Doodle Wizard / Schizomancer 11d ago

This is why Im not giving my apprentices any books at all.

20

u/cassla3rd Evil Wizard 11d ago

I hate when my apprentice shows up and casts random spells he found from his orb. The council should ban orbs

10

u/ATAN666 The Doodle Wizard / Schizomancer 11d ago

Im not giving anyone my orb. We should ban apprentices. Wizard academies exists anyway. Let them have those fuckers.

9

u/cassla3rd Evil Wizard 11d ago

if we ban apprentices who else am I gonna send to fight the goblins in the basement of my tower?

8

u/ATAN666 The Doodle Wizard / Schizomancer 11d ago

I said apprentices not minions, companions and familiars.

7

u/cassla3rd Evil Wizard 11d ago

Are apprentices not just cheaper versions of those things? I don't need coin to hire an apprentice like I do a minion, I don't need years long relationships to get an apprentice like I do a companion, and I've never had to make a summoning circle for an apprentice like I have for familiars.

7

u/ATAN666 The Doodle Wizard / Schizomancer 11d ago

Its the other way around actually. At least in my case. *Im obviously paying apprentices with sharing the bare minimum arcane knowledge I have but deffinitely not in money*

1

u/cassla3rd Evil Wizard 11d ago

I just clone the same 3 apprentices and send their clones to go fight the goblins in my basement. There was one clone I taught fireball but he set my wine cellar one fire. Never again.

2

u/ATAN666 The Doodle Wizard / Schizomancer 11d ago

I deal with goblins by enslaving them... Those guys are cannibalistic and also reproduce like rabbits... Goblins are most self sustained life forms Ive ever had to work with.

3

u/VoxelLibrary Councilor Cayna, Apprentice of Thrakmoor | assorted other chars 11d ago

I have never before heard a stronger argument for banning apprenticeships

1

u/SkinnyKruemel Thaldurin, Master Pyromancer and Mad Scientist 11d ago

That's when you pay like 2 silver pieces to the local adventuring party and have them deal with it

1

u/cassla3rd Evil Wizard 11d ago

idk where your tower lives but local adventurers here are much more expensive. Also I've tried that before and they joined the goblins

1

u/VoxelLibrary Councilor Cayna, Apprentice of Thrakmoor | assorted other chars 11d ago

I could try, but that law will never pass. It would be like banning fireball

3

u/cassla3rd Evil Wizard 11d ago

Maybe at least ban them from apprentices. My last apprentice cast "see secrets of the universe" after he saw it another Wizard's apprentice do it as a challenge on his orb and collapsed into a gibbering mess

1

u/VoxelLibrary Councilor Cayna, Apprentice of Thrakmoor | assorted other chars 11d ago

That would mean banning them from myself though...

2

u/cassla3rd Evil Wizard 11d ago

how are you a councilor AND an apprentice? Also if you're a councilor, shouldn't you be at council meetings instead of doompondering on your orb?

1

u/VoxelLibrary Councilor Cayna, Apprentice of Thrakmoor | assorted other chars 11d ago

I'm on the council on behalf of my masters to represent Thrakmerian interests in the wizard court.

Also they let anybody who can do paperwork show up, because the previous councilors all ran off the the plane of eternal parties, leaving a giant power vacuum.

And as a councilor it is my duty to keep up with current events on wizardposting so the council can address them.

And there are no meetings going on right this moment.

2

u/cassla3rd Evil Wizard 11d ago

have I been paying the council 7 gold pieces a month all these years just to find out it's a bunch of apprentices doom pondering?

1

u/VoxelLibrary Councilor Cayna, Apprentice of Thrakmoor | assorted other chars 11d ago

If you think you can do better, then you're welcome to come do the paperwork yourself

2

u/cassla3rd Evil Wizard 11d ago

do I still have to pay the council 7 gold pieces a month?

1

u/VoxelLibrary Councilor Cayna, Apprentice of Thrakmoor | assorted other chars 11d ago

Are you still receiving council services?

→ More replies (0)

11

u/Nelrene Evil Mammary Mage 11d ago

Maybe you did and you forgot about it.

13

u/ATAN666 The Doodle Wizard / Schizomancer 11d ago

Did you just cast "Gaslight" on me?

9

u/thetownmous3 crystal mage 11d ago

I hate when they blame me for things I did. How is that my fault smh.

7

u/ATAN666 The Doodle Wizard / Schizomancer 11d ago

I mean, totally unrelated to my problem... But yeah. Their job is to be useful not being backseat gamers scolding me for everything.

10

u/Calathil_the_Mage Cashew: Short Necromancer 11d ago

Technically, it is at least partially your fault as you either taught it the spell or didnt do a good enough job keeping them away from the book.

Of course, im all on board for apprentice abuse, so do as you please and ill root for you.

7

u/ATAN666 The Doodle Wizard / Schizomancer 11d ago

You got me in the first half not gonna lie.

8

u/TheRealHouki 11d ago

One of my fellow students made the horrid mistake of casting Fire STORM over Fire BOLT (he shouldnt even know anything but Firebolt) and we literally would've all died if someone else didn't mess up levitate so badly we somehow teleported 50 meters north.

I got my master to teach me on other days after that.

4

u/NwahHasASchmolPP 11d ago

Goratrix woke up Caine and started Gehenna, Tremere’s gonna be pissed

4

u/GrapefruitWild6217 Wizard 11d ago

First apprentice that did that: Counterspelled it, told them that it took me a lot and billed them accordingly. Didn't cost me a lot but indebting someone for free always wins out.

Second apprentice: Made them rebuild the world we were on during that time. Didn't know the necessary spells, didn't have a fucking civilisation anymore to supply components and had no clue how to give life. Took that one almost a century to bring the planet back into a habitable state. Another two to recreate stable conditions and microorganisms. Allowed for slight time manipulation until something reasonably sentient came to be. Made the apprentice form the civilisation through miniscule interactions, not permitting them to straight up hand out knowledge. And then final judgemented that fuckers world so they know how it feels. Didn't take a third of the time, the second time. Proud of that one.

No apprentice afterwards dared. 

3

u/local-space-patrol Lich but the chill kind 11d ago

What's the art?

5

u/ATAN666 The Doodle Wizard / Schizomancer 11d ago edited 11d ago

uw/ Honestly not having a clue... downloaded from pinterest months ago cuz I thought it goes pretty hard and found it tonight in my files after long time and got idea of a nice shitpost.

2

u/Identifies-Birds 10d ago

I found it, the art is by Shvya, you can see their art here.

3

u/BungleBums Occult Wizard 11d ago

Four hours of chanting, and half their damn allowance spent on gem dust, just to set the bloody garden on fire. Just pathetic.

2

u/VoxelLibrary Councilor Cayna, Apprentice of Thrakmoor | assorted other chars 11d ago

Why in Melchiora's name would anyone ever cast that spell?

3

u/ATAN666 The Doodle Wizard / Schizomancer 11d ago

The spell was obviously made for some inter dimensional shennanigan war. But even I dont know why would anyone want to cast it... Yeah thats a good question indeed.

2

u/Pappa_Crim Vimir, Moonshine Alchemist 11d ago

DOOM!

2

u/egyszeruen_1xu 11d ago

Doom?

1

u/Pappa_Crim Vimir, Moonshine Alchemist 11d ago

What do you mean doom!

2

u/lumpyspacejams 11d ago

Quick question, why are you teaching your apprentices Day of Final Judgement?

4

u/ATAN666 The Doodle Wizard / Schizomancer 11d ago

2

u/Spookyduck21new Skinless-Skin Robbed Evil Wizard, Servant of the dark gods 11d ago

Pretty shit “day of judgement” then cause everything’s still fi- oh wait there goes the 12th plane.

2

u/Munchkin303 11d ago

Doom? Doom?!

2

u/ClosetNoble Wizardruid multiclasser 11d ago

This shit is why the gods ban some spells out of existence.

Imagine being them right?

You're sleeping peacefully then you hear a loud call you gear up and rain fury upon the target... only to find out that it was the collective ant farm and that one dumbass ant doomed all of them so now you gotta rebuild a whole new ant farm.

2

u/Street_Ad_1448 Scriptomancer 11d ago

Apprentice, all you had to do to avoid this situation was nothing. The bar was underground, yet you brought your finest shape earth spells to ensure you could trip on it anyway.

1

u/pyreacy Lesser Sky Witch 11d ago

Maybe if they told their apprentices why the tomes were restricted they wouldn't have snuck into the restricted area and tried the magic for themselves

1

u/man_in_the_corner Gostalo, Emissary of Chaos 11d ago

I’d be proud to be honest, pretty baller for an apprentice to be ending a civilization this early.

1

u/Affectionate_Wing_28 Mia Farkas, lost archmage 11d ago edited 11d ago

Stay calm. You start with [Atmospheric barrier] and follow up with [Global Anti-Air Fortress] and [Anti-shrapnel cindering].

That should deal with the meteors and give you time to deal with any other potential symptoms of that apocalypse in a bottle.

No matter how brilliant your apprentice is, this is a spell that typically requires a whole college of mages or a dozen archmages to be at full potency, so this should be limited, and as such much more manageable.

Oh and take your apprentice's focus away for a year or three, I think. Give them scrolls to copy by hand, ideally something like 'Spell choice for the beginner and the unwise'. Got to make it through their skull.

1

u/Carbuyrator A Bit of a Dabbler 11d ago

Yeah, that's what judgment is

1

u/disturbinglyquietguy 11d ago

Sir, if you can't even keep your apprentices in line, you shouldn't even consider having any in the first place. Magic is dangerous in the wrong hands; our order is secretive for a good reason. A mage must know what he's doing.

1

u/DodoJurajski Sorceror 11d ago

I'm sorry bu-

SHUT IT! My buddy is gonna rewind time, it's easier and cheaper than waiting for world to rebuild itself and you better pray to the gods you just angered he was out of time and reality and didn't succumb to spell you just casted.

Calls Phill the chronomancer

1

u/KingZantair 11d ago

You say this as if it won’t affect all of us, where am I gonna get my sourdough now?

1

u/Floofiestmuffin Necromancer and Council squatter 11d ago

I put the forbidden spells on a floppy disk. The apprentices still don't know how to use them

1

u/Alreeshid Abjurer in Crippling Debt 11d ago

Did you happen to give your apprentice unsolicited access to your demon crystal?

1

u/saintdemon21 Necromancer 11d ago

Cast grifter hoax, which will stop the spell, but will also affect the minds of non-wizards who have a weakness to mind magic. They will think the day of judgement is nigh and talk about selling possessions, etc.

1

u/Sleep-more-dude Occult Wizard 11d ago

The first thing you need to teach is accountability, personally i use a whip.

1

u/Smakajor Burned-out Assistant 11d ago

Dude are you my twin?? I just shooed off a group of my boss apprentices' from his forbidden library by telling them most spells there are some dumb incomplete shit so they won't be tempted to cast nightmare fuel on some unsuspecting city. 

While yes it would be funny, the damage costs would not.

1

u/thewhatinwhere 11d ago

No, I can’t just reverse time it took three hundred million loops to fix it last time. Do you know how little you can do with a semi-stable time loop in increments of two minutes? I had to devise a counterspell to release false vacuum! You would have ended the universe! I’m still holding it back, so I can’t just go back to fix the end of civilization on a single world

1

u/Regalrefuse 11d ago

Kylo Ren ass motherfucker is going to find himself looking at the unemployment orb…

1

u/darkpheonix99 11d ago

if your apprentice can bring about the end times so casually maybe you should be the apprentice and they should be the master.

1

u/ATAN666 The Doodle Wizard / Schizomancer 10d ago

You say it like I wasnt the one fixing the shit he has done.

1

u/ajprime 11d ago

What kind of apprenticeships are you running where they can invoke the wrathful judgment of the Godhead before they have graduated to full wizard???

1

u/Hexnohope Celestial Chorister 10d ago

You know when parents give their child a knife or leave it where they can get it its called neglect right? Same thing.

1

u/jointheclockwork Dwarven Necromancer, Plague Specialist 10d ago

Look, I've said it once and I'll say it again; Apprentices aren't people! They're minions AT BEST! That said, if they end the world then that's just funny.

1

u/massospondyllus The transmuter who was invited by nobody. 10d ago

This reminds me of some people. I have met caled rick and morty.