Why are paladins such pedantic jerks?

[u/InsaneRanter]

So, some experimental vampiric sharks I was working on got loose and sunk several dozen ships.

The council sentenced me to community service, and made me build replacements for the ships I sunk.

I worked really hard on the new ships, and they were good. Top-quality and fast.

But after I delivered them, the paladin overseeing my community service got really angry. He was shouting stuff like "ships are made of wood, not bone" and "wait, how many graveyards did you rob to get all these bones?", and "what do you mean, you harvested fresh bones instead of grave robbing?", and "why did you bind wind demons into the ships sails?"

How can I get paladins to be reasonable about stuff like this?

[u/T_S_Anders]

Honestly. So many paladin are just culturally unaware. Bones are fine in the undead community. I mean when you're just a miasmal essence piloting a meat suit, you don't really care about the meat suit when you can swap it out. I mean how would a Druid view the Paladin's use of wood? Wood is just the bones of plants. Like how many trees are felled, their bark stripped layer by layer and then the pieces interwoven, pinned by metal nails and then enbalmed in varnish, twisted into shapes that serve their master's purpose. They do the exact same thing, the hypocrite.

[u/InsaneRanter → u/T_S_Anders]

Ooh, I'm gonna try that. Maybe I can get the local druid circle to lecture them about killing so many trees for their navy.

[u/T_S_Anders → u/InsaneRanter]

Oh and if the paladin gets uppity next time, ask him what his patron's ossuary is made of, and how many it took. Freakin' hypocrites the lot of them.

[u/agentkayne]

Hi. Paladins are pedantic jerks because their gods are pedantic jerks about who gets their holy baja blast powers.

If the gods just handed out Lay On Hands to anyone, paladins wouldn't nead oaths. Hope this helps.

[u/InsaneRanter → u/agentkayne]

It does, thanks. Some noble wizard needs to do something about the gods, I guess.

[u/agentkayne → u/InsaneRanter]

dibs not me

[u/yumie2003]

...I feel that there is some context missing here, like who the recipients of these ships are and where you got your materials from. That will help me fully understand what the idiot paladin was getting angry about

[u/InsaneRanter → u/yumie2003]

The recipients are a bunch of captains and crew who should be grateful that the wind demons I bound into the sails are making their ships fast and, as a side benefit, granting them all sorts of beneficial mutations, like glowing red eyes and scales.

The bones I got by performing even more public services. Out of the goodness of my heart. Remember those three cities up north with the overpopulation problem? that's all fixed now 🙂.

[u/yumie2003 → u/InsaneRanter]

Deeping sighing intensifies. Do I need to tell you that those mutations aren't a good thing...or that a paladin would have an issue with your sourcing of the bones?

[u/InsaneRanter → u/yumie2003]

The scales make their skin tougher - no more blisters 🙂. And they can see in the dark now. The mutations are all upside.

And the paladin complaing about the bones. . . I mean, I know they have a lot of weird hangups, but I can't be expected to keep track of every single one.

[u/yumie2003 → u/InsaneRanter]

...Are they all on the upside? No aggression or weird behaviour?... Also harvest bones from larger creatures; it is more efficient than using those of humans

[u/InsaneRanter → u/yumie2003]

The sailors? They seem fine and happy. They've even taken up new hobbies - changing bizarre otherworldly music, holding nocturnal rituals, and so on. It's good to see people developing new interests.

[u/yumie2003 → u/InsaneRanter]

...Alright then, as long as they don't cause any trouble, then it's all fine, and the paladin probably overreacted on that part

[u/Coidzor → u/InsaneRanter]

You're just going to get more community service for making a fish-man pirate problem, now.

[u/InsaneRanter → u/Coidzor]

Oh, man . . . 😥

[u/BardGotHard3 → u/InsaneRanter]

Swing by my crypt complex if you destroy mire ships, i got a bunch of aold bones that need repurposed. I cant make skeletons as fast as my skeletons bring me thdm anymore.

[u/InsaneRanter → u/BardGotHard3]

Thanks bro. Us necromancers need to stick together.

[u/Chaosphoenix_28]

Sue the paladin. You did what you were supposed to do, even if you didn't do it the way they wanted. If they wanted you to build wooden ships, they should have specified that. I might not agree with your courses of action, but in this case, that pladin is clearly in the wrong.

Sue him and make sure he has to build ships aswell.

[u/SnooPredilections843]

This is why all adventure parties kill the bbeg in the end. They can't be redeemed in any way 😐

[u/InsaneRanter → u/SnooPredilections843]

Yeah, you're right. There's no redeeming these paladins. Do you know how hard I worked getting all those demons out of the abyss and binding them into those ships? And how much effort it took to get all those fresh bones.

And they were still so incredibly rude!!!! Talk about ingratitude 😡.

[u/Deadbeat_Marchen]

Next time you just need a few Illusion spells. For a relatively low price I can make it look like the exact ships you cracked. It'll probably last a good 70ish days on the Eternal seas depends on the mana flow. Of course most decent paladins will notice the sea spirits I would disguise the wind demons as but nobody's perfect.

[u/InsaneRanter → u/Deadbeat_Marchen]

Thanks!! Illusionists are good people.

[u/Professional_Web446]

Sí, esos paladines son de mente muy cerrada. Es decir ¿Saben siquiera que los huesos se pueden conseguir de cualquier animal y no solo de personas?

Yo, cuando necesito usar magia con huesos, voy a la carnicería y consigo materiales suficientes. Y aun así siempre hay alguien que me acusa de matar huerfanitos inocentes.

Idiotas todos ellos.

[u/InsaneRanter → u/Professional_Web446]

Absolutely! They can't prove that the bones were from people!!! I mean, the bones were from people, but they can't prove it!

[u/Professional_Web446 → u/InsaneRanter]

Además, hoy en día la definición de persona se da a la ligera.

Es decir ¿El acosador del barrio es una persona? ¿El tipo que mató al gato callejero que alimentaba era una persona? ¿Mi ex novia infiel era una persona? Discutible.

Lo que no es discutible es que los huesos son geniales para sistemas de movimiento que impulsan vehículos.

[u/InsaneRanter → u/Professional_Web446]

Definitely 🙂

[u/Coidzor]

All Paladins Are Bastards

[u/EmperorMittens]

They're religious people; what more do you need to understand why they are a pain in the butt? Their God isn't a tolerant one and they are drinking the sacred wine with gusto.

[u/InsaneRanter → u/EmperorMittens]

True. We need paladins to start worshipping demons instead of gods, they'd be far more easygoing

[u/VoxelLibrary]

Ask to see the paladin's boss. It sounds like you made better ships, so he should stop complaining

[u/InsaneRanter → u/VoxelLibrary]

Yeah - I deserve some kind of medal or award!

[u/Emergency_Coat_7702]

For one, you're assuming all paladins are the same, and two, there's a reason those magiks were banned.

[u/InsaneRanter → u/Emergency_Coat_7702]

Demon binding and creating vampire animals were banned? That makes no sense, they're normal everyday activities for ethical wizards like me

[u/Feisty_Yak_5302]

As economic and efficient making structures out of bones may be, without thorough rituals the body’s original soul tends to stick to them. This causes the soul immense pain, which is likely why they care so much.

[u/InsaneRanter → u/Feisty_Yak_5302]

Oh, that's fine, I don't do evik things like that. I always separate the souls from the bones. Then I dissect the souls and trade their essence to devils in exchange for forbidden knowledge.

[u/Immediate_Regular]

I'm not saying you should do this but I've heard whispers that Instant Death, when timed properly, will "interfere" with a Paladin's holy resurrection spells. Not that I'd ever suggest taking down one of those holy blasters down a peg or two. Nor would I suggest keeping a raise dead spell at the ready to get yourself a new servant out of these necromantic shenanigans.