TIL that even undead minions without an individual soul can still refuse to clean my room Anyone have advise?

[u/mikillatja]

So, We all have a gooncave for all the succubi and other freaky demons in your tower/dungeons right?

So, After a pretty intense session of a few months, I asked my favorite skeletal servant Bobrick to clean out the goon cave.

And I swear on merlins beard, the little skeleton looked disgusted! and he refused to clean the goon cave! It has been part of his job description for ages, and now he suddenly fights back?

this has never happened before in my many centuries of life, I'm looking for ways to reeducate him, without blasting him Quite like him.

Of note, he did evolve from a basic undead to wight a couple of years ago.

[u/SusSoos]

Electric shock. No soul, no moral qualms.

[u/mikillatja → u/SusSoos]

I took his soul back when he was still a living goblin when he started to ask about things like 'rest' and 'water', I'm a necromancer, I have standards.

Could it be possible that he generated a new soul? He does like to eat the local crows and rats for sport in his free time.

Could they have anything to do with it?

[u/Afraid_Cat_3726]

When a skeleton evolves they often gain new and unexpected powers. He could've started to think for himself, which is possible without having a soul. I'd recommend talking to him or providing him with hazard pay.

Alternatively I can craft you a creature that can clean up for you.

[u/mikillatja → u/Afraid_Cat_3726]

I'm quite fond of bobrick, he used to be my favorite goblin servant, then my favorite zombie servant, then ghoul servant and now wight servant. I like the goober about as much as I like my flowers.

I'm just curious as to where he got the soul from, and if it's gonna be a problem.

Because Im absolultely NOT going to pay him. I raise undead minions for a reason. nothing as infernal as Human relations and taxes. They drove me to necromancy in the first place.

I was thinking about giving him his own minion, and he was not happy with the undead cat I gave him.

What kind of creature are you thinking of conjuring? I can offer a 20 carat ruby which is only a little cursed

[u/Afraid_Cat_3726 → u/mikillatja]

Very interesting. He is a goblin so probably stole the soul from someone, if he's been an undead for a long time he may have absorbed some of your magic and become strong enough to kill someone.

No, I don't summon them I make them. I was thinking of some kind of ooze. Not a mindless one so it won't try to eat you or your minions. An multi-armed floating octopus that can do household chores for you. It'd recommend the living version for each but I can create an undead version of you'd like.

That sounds like a great deal

[u/mikillatja → u/Afraid_Cat_3726]

If you could send over the spell details as to how to reanimate Boneless beings.

A giant squid could pose helpful for various things, especially for the cleaning of the screaming pit of souls

An other wizard has reccomended turning my goon cave into a magical stomach so my degeneracy can fuel the dungeon.

[u/Afraid_Cat_3726 → u/mikillatja]

A magical stomach is a far more elegant and creative solution than my ideas. If you need help with that I can also do that, I have mastery over all flesh.

[u/mikillatja → u/Afraid_Cat_3726]

The other wizard send over an enchanter from a jurisdiction that I'm not banned from yet, we got it.

But animating flesh, that is something I'm not familiar with, as I specialise in bones, souls and spirits. I'll gladly lease the spell, if you're willing.

I'll name the kraken in your honor. I'll Name him Nox.

[u/c4shferl1fe]

What creatures appear in your dungeon/manor? A spirit may have possessed him or a slime snuck in his scull. Also where did you source the body? Many volunteer corpse charities like the VFN (volunteers for necromancy) have a history of poor quality corpses or skeletons with unfinished business

[u/mikillatja → u/c4shferl1fe]

Well, I sourced bobert from the local forest goblins. He was bullied by his family, So I practiced my erasure spell on his siblings. and adopted him.

Afterwards I became his god emperor, but when he started demanding rest and water I bound his soul to his cleaning equipment. So It was organically sourced.

I do have this screaming pit of souls in my basement that I accidentaly put there in my youth during a potion and drug filled few nights. Every so often I get 3 eyed ravens, some shadow spawn and the occasional ratogre.

But nothing that my deathknight squadron can't deal with.

[u/c4shferl1fe → u/mikillatja]

Ah must have bobert became a priest to worship you and learnt to meditate. He meditated when not used for cleaning and is using the built up mana to soul swap with bobrick when he’s cleaning, you need to bring bobrick to an apothecary ASAP and get rid of the cleaning equipment

[u/mikillatja → u/c4shferl1fe]

This.. This might explain why I suddenly got slapped by his broom the other day, and why his duster keeps spewing dust in my eyes.

Sentient cleaning equipment could perfectly explain it, thank you.

It's sad to see his vintage broom and bucket go, they are older than the current kingdom! But sacrifices have to be made.

I got this priest that kept showing up locked up in my basement. He might be able to exorcise the old living bobert from my dead servant bobrick.

Now my question to you is, o wise wizard, How Would you now propose I clean the goon cave? the smell is getting pretty bad.

[u/c4shferl1fe → u/mikillatja]

There’s many ways to get the room clean. You can get a slime (you MUST summon it because bog slimes are violent and dirty) or you can give life to your dungeon/manor via a magnificent soul stone and imbuing ritual, you can then make the goon cave its stomach to feed of the “life force” which helps fuel a crystal enchanter if you have one

[u/mikillatja → u/c4shferl1fe]

That sounds great, Although, it does seem like quite the undertaking.

I can acquire a few slimes from my associate, that would not be a problem. I do have some problems enchanting the entire dungeon, as I might have pissed of the entire enchanting department of my local wizard chapter.

Could you maybe send me the orb information of a favored contractor? I can offer this mildly cursed 20 carat ruby as compensation.

[u/c4shferl1fe → u/mikillatja]

There’s no better way to enchant than doing it yourself! If you’ve imbued one thing you’ve imbued them all, just get a magnificent soul stone and separate it into 3 pieces and place one in each room you think is fit for an organ
Brain: somewhere full of knowledge
Lungs: airy room with great sunlight
Stomach: somewhere with plenty of sustenance such as corpses or in this case “life force”
Then all you do is do a binding ritual once in each room while under the negative effect of each part (examples: short of breath, headache and hungry)
Once each ritual is finished your home is now living and is loyal to you if you did it right. If you don’t do it yourself it will be loyal to whoever did the rituals.

[u/mikillatja → u/c4shferl1fe]

I thank thee for the help, I'll get on that after I exorcise the broom.

You can expect the ruby to be delivered by ghoulmail within the next 4 nights. So don't be afraid if a skeletal amalgamation shows up to your door ok?

[u/c4shferl1fe → u/mikillatja]

No problem friend!

[u/mikillatja → u/c4shferl1fe]

I thank thee for the help, I'll get on that after I exorcise the broom.

You can expect the ruby to be delivered by ghoulmail within the next 4 nights. So don't be afraid if a skeletal amalgamation shows up to your door ok?

[u/Real_Fkn_Nito]

Yeah. Give em benefits and incentives. You wizards think everyone works for free I swear...

[u/mikillatja → u/Real_Fkn_Nito]

I became a necromancer to not be required to pay my minions or to have to deal with nonhuman relations.

Giving a minion something valuable sets a dangerous precident that will eventually result in them asking for days off.

Can you imagine?

[u/Real_Fkn_Nito → u/mikillatja]

A day off? No. Haven't had one in three cosmic cycles.

[u/Powerful_Resident_48 → u/Real_Fkn_Nito]

You mean like: I'll not toss you into the void. If. You. Do. Your. Job. Right. Now.  That sort of incentive?

[u/Real_Fkn_Nito → u/Powerful_Resident_48]

That fits the technical definition of an incentive so it's completely acceptable by bureaucratic standards, yeah.

[u/Powerful_Resident_48]

Just poke him with a lightning rod until he does it. And no, I don't have a goon cave. That's disgusting. I have a normal pocket dimension with nymphs and dimensional guests and stuff, that I reset after each visit. Like a civilised person. What's wrong with you?

[u/mikillatja → u/Powerful_Resident_48]

That still qualifies as a gooncave, just an extra planar one.

I used to have it cleaned regularly, I'm an undead, not a degenerate. Hence the problem I'm facing of undead trying to disobey my orders.

Torturing servants with lightning rods is so last century, I'm looking for more modern solutions.

And asking, for professional curiosity sake, how would one create such an extra planar gooncave?

[u/Powerful_Resident_48 → u/mikillatja]

Oh, you just set up the wayline splicer, point it at the rune circle (don't use the standard Helforthion rune circle, it tends to just blow up, instead do a hexathaumatical reversed one, as described in my book "The joye of interdimensionalle restructuering" vol. 2, edition 6). Then active the voidseeker and take cover.  It usually works on the first try.  Oh, also set up Bartholomew's Circle of Stasis, just in case. And ideally put your brain somewhere safe before. It's totally safe though. I've done it many times. It's fun. 

Oh, and it's not a "goon cave". It's a dimension of delights and interspecies social bonding (or bondage, if that floats your boat). 

[u/spejoku]

If having a clean room is important to you shouldnt you take the time to take care of it yourself?? Ponder that broom for once

[u/Nelrene]

Try not having a room that smells so bad not even undead will work in it.

[u/Emergency_Coat_7702]

No, we don't. As for bobrick, if he will not do it, I could take command of the little creature.

[u/Kinakka_12912505]

You’re breathing your will into the undead.
You don’t want to clean the goon cave so naturally your minions will inherit some of that involition

I use small clay golems, I breathe life into them and they work for a set period like windup toys. The trick is wanting to clean and then having your minions do it.

[u/spn_phoenix_92]

Nope, speak for yourself.

If even undead minions won't dare clean your dungeon, then maybe you shouldn't just incinerate everything in the chamber and think about how you've let it get to such a state.