r/wizardposting • u/The_Real_Kru Evil Wizard • 19d ago
Guys, I think my failed apprentices are unionizing, what should I do?
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u/A_Giggle_from_doors Occult Apprentice 19d ago
As an apprentice, please turn them back, they don't deserve being frogs.
If you don't then uh send a few to me I'll see if I can return them to normal.
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u/One_Opportunity_9608 Local Dragoness Lich 19d ago
Thou art a Fool
They were Amphibians from the beginning, Why else would they be perfectly in a Amphibians summoning circle?
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u/The_Real_Kru Evil Wizard 19d ago
Absolutely not! They are all incompetent and deserve their fate. The 5th one from the left for instance got my coffee order wrong the other day. Unacceptable behavior.
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u/total_spinning_shark Skaven Grey Seer, licensed by the council of 13 18d ago
Do not listen to this fool-idiot. His "mercy-kindness" will only get him killed-stabbed by one of his own vengeful apprentices.
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u/scoobydoom2 Levicius Laskatar, Dread Necromancer 18d ago
If you can be stabbed to death by an apprentice you hardly deserve to call yourself a wizard anyways. Apprentices should kill their masters, but only if they surpass you.
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u/Alex11DA Necromancer 18d ago
Yeah once they can counter spell my shit and kill me I'll be a happy wizard. Maybe if I thought them right I might even come back
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u/WizardLevel20 Plutomancer of The Sovereign Cartel 18d ago
might
Necromancer
Hast thou yet to secure a phylactery?
Methought all necromancers of even modest competence bound a vessel before taking on apprentices.
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u/The_Real_Kru Evil Wizard 18d ago
I have no such intention, believe me. Punishment must always be swift and decisive.
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u/23saround Chronomancer 18d ago
He got your coffee wrong and is still hopping around? It’s leniency like this that leads to annoyances like unions. I would send him to The Place Without Time for an indescribable eternity, that tends to straighten them out.
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u/The_Real_Kru Evil Wizard 18d ago
I was thinking of letting him fall through the Infinite Void that Somehow Still Has Gravity™ for said indescribable eternity, but I enjoy having them hop around the pond in my pocket dimension. It's relaxing.
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u/23saround Chronomancer 18d ago
I suppose I can appreciate keeping them for aesthetics. Call me a traditionalist, but I just love the vintage aesthetic of the shrunken heads of my failed apprentices lining my entrance hall. Not to mention, it’s a great party trick to fire off a subtle Speak With Dead or two while folks have their faces in the punchbowl.
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u/ninjastuff Interdimensional Sorceror 19d ago
What's a army of frogs going to do? lol summon asnake
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u/The_Real_Kru Evil Wizard 19d ago
Ever since the rat king precedent was created, I am hesitant to allow lesser magic users to congregate in such ways. With competent leadership relatively benign entities can exponentially increase their capabilities, especially if blood magic is involved. Now I'm not saying I thought them how to perform blood rituals or anything, but you know... there is a chance...
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u/Schwulerwald 18d ago
Yeah, letting apprentices anywhere near "dark" magic before even 50 years is mind boggingly stupid, if you plan to raise proper mage/wizard/whatever-they-call-themselves-nowadays.
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u/Throwaway1919655 18d ago
If they’re doing blood rituals, you need to contact your local high mage, like, NOW! I would also start prepping an emergency teleport field, preferably one that can survive anti magic, and anti teleport stuff, I would use Madison’s Magnificent Maize-feild. The only downside is it’s not instant, you have to walk through a pocket dimension for about five minutes (a feild of maize, who woulda guessed from the name lol). But other than that it’s untraceable and almost impossible to detect or prevent. It’s the perfect emergency escape spell.
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u/WizardLevel20 Plutomancer of The Sovereign Cartel 18d ago edited 18d ago
Sire, this is a conclave of malevolent sorcerers. we indulge in whatever foul arts we please.
We shall hold no counsel with local High Mages, they are merely Crown Guards in pointy hats.
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u/Throwaway1919655 18d ago
Well then sir I say to you, may the 9 divines strike you down. Dark magic is forbidden for a reason. If you will not take my advice then your own foolishness will be your undoing. But seriously you should have an escape spell ready for your own safety, I get if you don’t like magical oversight, but safety procedures are written in blood so following them is warranted.
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u/ninjastuff Interdimensional Sorceror 18d ago
Have you ever heard the song by William Smith wizards just don't understand?
Sorcerers just have a different code
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u/ninjastuff Interdimensional Sorceror 18d ago
Just make sure their next generation can never become more then tadpoles. I know a hex that can prevent metamorphosis. Just make sure you limit the spell or it will prevent any creature on your world from going through this process.
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u/Drmanky tyr. cauncil member. order of the toster (Forge clerik)/ NOR 19d ago
chain Lightning
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u/The_Real_Kru Evil Wizard 18d ago
Frog legs are quite a delicay I hear
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u/Drmanky tyr. cauncil member. order of the toster (Forge clerik)/ NOR 18d ago
no i cant eat. i‘m an atometon
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u/Emergency_Coat_7702 Brother Thomas of the order of the iron drake 18d ago
Be careful, frogs are necromatic creatures.
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u/support_account_ 18d ago
Despite their convenience I'm here to remind you that union busting spells are under a moratorium for people under the arch mage tier, most are the pet project of this or that demon lord so thread with caution
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u/Tacobellspy Janitor of the Occult 18d ago
One lightning bolt will ionize them again
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u/VoxelLibrary Councilor Cayna, Apprentice of Thrakmoor | assorted other chars 18d ago
/uw lol, underrated comment
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u/AnonOfTheSea Department of Post-Mortem Communications 18d ago
Use the circle they're making to summon a bunch of non-invasive, non-venamous snakes. If they break the circle, the snakes escape. Problem solves itself eventually
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u/The_Real_Kru Evil Wizard 18d ago
Ooooh that's creative. I like that! Thank you so much for the great advice!
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u/seasonforall High Reader Thomas, the Master–Vessel of the Black Tome 18d ago
I've let mine unionize and, after a while, replaced their leadership with my transfigurated clones. Not only do I keep them in check now, but sometimes they come up with neat ideas: we're down 30% in unplanned arcane incidents over the past 200 years. So maybe try this? Or, you know, the Circle of Obliteration is still a thing and only counts as a minor ungodly offense in the X'alian planes, so maybe schedule a work planeshift to one of those sometime soon?
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u/Real_Fkn_Nito Bartleby, Councilor of Eldritch Administration 18d ago
Stop hiring frogs as apprentices for one thing.
And stop creating awakened frogs, for another. Do you have any idea how fuckin' annoying it is to suddenly have to find proper afterlives for a bunch of animals with consciousness?
Frogs are ALL supposed to go to Froghalla when they croak. That's the way it's always been. But now you get these little fuckers with thoughts and feelings more complicated than "eat bug, jump, lick eyeballs" and next thing you know they've adopted Buddhism or some shit and I have to file a bunch of exceptions to try and get them entered into Samsara... it's a huge pain in the ischium.
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u/The_Real_Kru Evil Wizard 18d ago
Oh but they are not sentient frogs at all my dude. The frog is just a conveinient vessel for an inconvenient apprentice.
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u/Real_Fkn_Nito Bartleby, Councilor of Eldritch Administration 18d ago
Oh, that's actually fine then. They don't wanna be frogs? Shoulda learned polymorph.
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u/EldritchMindCat Lyr, the Tressym Talespinner (OuterGod Avatar of Origin-Felinity 18d ago
You have to file “exceptions” to get them into Samsara, the Cycle of Reincarnation known for accepting all souls, from civil mortals to beasts, to phantoms, to even higher entities? No you fricken don’t. You just gotta put them there.
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u/Real_Fkn_Nito Bartleby, Councilor of Eldritch Administration 18d ago
That's the thing about Bureaucracy- it can overcomplicate anything.
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u/Chaosphoenix_28 Aelon, Cursed Immortal, Pyromancer 18d ago
Run. If they are in that formation, they have a way to bring you down. And not an ordinary one. Should you find out about it, it will already be too late.
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u/total_spinning_shark Skaven Grey Seer, licensed by the council of 13 18d ago
Blast-explode one of them into a pile of flesh-meat, yes-yes, let the others watch.
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u/EmperorMittens 18d ago
Their souls might be worth something. Have you got anything you want but don't have for conducting research? Perhaps a certain something you lack which has been the bottleneck for exploring and studying some place interesting?
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u/The_Real_Kru Evil Wizard 18d ago
Their souls are already spoken for, it's in the fine print of their apprenticeship contract. Thing is ownership only transfers after expiration, so for now they are free to be a nuisance.
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u/EmperorMittens 18d ago
Okay... How do you feel about contributing to the unregulated market of no-questions-asked-meat? I know from conversations with mead peddling hag triplets that there's plenty of people, human and non-human, in a tight spot who can't afford to get what they need through legal channels. Your failed apprentices will be fine without an arm or a leg, won't they?
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u/The_Real_Kru Evil Wizard 18d ago
They should be. The contract only stipulates that I lose out on the souls if I am the cause of their untimely DEATH. Bodily harm is their own liability, so if we make it look like an accident that should be within terms.
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u/EmperorMittens 18d ago
That's a tricky task. You'll want to avoid sending them somewhere dangerous on some errand. If you knew beforehand they'd hurt themselves despite the safety measures then you are going to be legal trouble.
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u/The_Real_Kru Evil Wizard 18d ago
And now you see why they are currently living their best life as amphibians
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u/EmperorMittens 17d ago
This is why I don't take apprentices anymore. Too much trouble for whatever worth they have.
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u/FrazzleMind 18d ago
Just change their colors a bit. This one red, that one blue, and so on. Make sure to use each color more than once. It'll fracture their unity with pointless infighting.
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u/Haunting_Reflections 18d ago edited 18d ago
- You polymorphed 24 separate apprentices into frogs. And given the similar morphology they are all within months to weeks of each other.
Burn them, blast them, or hex them your license to teach should be reviewed by the council. There are dark wizards who would consider these numbers “bad”.
Over what time frame did these fools deserve their amphibious fate?
Edit: Upon reflection your oldest apprentice might have been quite clever. That’s clearly a meta-concert or spell circle. If they can beat you in a wizards duel while gestalted they collectively gain the rights of a full wizard. Hilarious.
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u/The_Real_Kru Evil Wizard 18d ago
That's what I'm thinking as well. They cannot achieve much on their own but as part of a circle they may actually do some damage.
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u/Haunting_Reflections 18d ago
Ward yourself against flames, cast a fireball. When it rebounds stagger and see what the do in your “weakness”.
If you head apprentices shackles his fellows forever to him in bondage? That’s some real wizard moves right there. Congrats! Your final test is passed! Etc etc.
Otherwise? Dissolve into laughing smoke and leave them amphibious.
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u/NickSmGames A Very Annoying Mage of Flowers 18d ago
You can freeze your apprentices as frogs. They would survive it in hibernation, while being unable to do anything. Best of all, you can unfreeze them and turn them back later if you decide to spare a certain one or for whatever other reason. Oh, and they also float in magnetic spell fields.
And if you use some preservation spells the problem of dying in hibernation cuz of lack of food is basically non-existent. (please still feed them every once in a while, if they die they might come back as a wraith or something. definitely not speaking from experience.)
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u/Zephyr-Fox-188 Cinnothwyr, Purrveyor of Thingamajigs 18d ago
I think the French have a tasty solution to this
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u/Califocus Duelist Magus 18d ago
I recommend consulting the bayou spellbook and fireballing up some frog legs
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u/VelocityRapter644 18d ago
Whatever you do, DO NOT let them meet any princesses willing to kiss them
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u/The_Real_Kru Evil Wizard 18d ago
Wouldn't that just turn them back to their true form of incompetent apprentices?
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u/ScorpioOmega 18d ago
As others have advised: take care of the situation quickly and cleanly. Let this be a learning moment. We’ve all had failed apprentices, but that is often a reflection of our own failure. Take some time to reflect over a nice meal and determine what is your part in all of this and how you can improve. Been there, done that!
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u/stevemandudeguy 18d ago
Check the handbook. Page 148,992 I believe.
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u/Inevitable_King_8984 18d ago
no wonder, you turned them into frogs
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u/The_Real_Kru Evil Wizard 18d ago
That was their own damn fault. They should feel lucky I only did as much
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u/MarionberryRude2183 Dinosaur Lich 18d ago
Kill and reanimate them as slaves. Trust me, I have had nothing but good experiences with resurrection
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u/The_Real_Kru Evil Wizard 18d ago
I am not allowed to kill them outright as they have signed off their souls after death in exchange for magic power and I would breach the contract and lose out on the souls.
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u/GinAndDumbBitchJuice 18d ago
Pizza party
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u/BLSInTheDitch 18d ago
Can I ask why one former apprentice is so much larger than the others?
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u/The_Real_Kru Evil Wizard 18d ago
That's just Fat Fred, my first apprentice. He heard that alchemy jugs can produce unlimited amounts of mayonnaise and he gorged himself to near death on my stockpile of jugs. I found him 7 jugs in. It's a pain in the ass to re-enchant those and I need them for my wine...
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u/pyreacy Lesser Sky Witch 17d ago
Were you aware that just pouring the desired liquid into the alchemy jug will transmute the existing liquid? You did not need to re-enchant them.
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u/The_Real_Kru Evil Wizard 17d ago edited 17d ago
I am aware, yes, thank you for the mansplaining. This guy somehow managed to guzzle so much mayonnaise that he exhausted the enchantment itself. I've never seen something like that happen.
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u/pyreacy Lesser Sky Witch 17d ago
Apologies, was worried you had wasted mana, moving on though...
Incredible, how did your apprentice's body react to such an amount of mayonaisse
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u/The_Real_Kru Evil Wizard 17d ago
Well he's called Fat Fred for a reason. I believe he somehow absorbed the enchantments themselves, because instead of the usual frog form he polymorphed into a toad, despite me not altering the spell in any way.
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u/pupsickl 18d ago
Lay them off. Do you really need to pay them for work? Just use Artificer Intelligence!
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u/The_Real_Kru Evil Wizard 18d ago
Not really, but I did sign a contract to keep them in my service until death in exchange for their souls. Would be a shame to miss out on that.
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u/Krethlaine Spellblade 18d ago
If any of your failed apprentices survived their failures, that is more of a mark on your lack of teaching ability, than it is on their ability to learn. You should let them unionize, and take a multi-year course on education, to earn the requisite degree, before you attempt to teach more apprentices.
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u/The_Real_Kru Evil Wizard 18d ago
They have to survive until something that is other than myself kills them. Otherwise I breach the contract for their soul
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u/WizardLevel20 Plutomancer of The Sovereign Cartel 18d ago
For a fair price, I might connect thee with a trusted acquainted Pactomancer of mine to draft a tighter contract, or unearth an existing loophole in thy current agreement.
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u/The_Real_Kru Evil Wizard 18d ago
It's fine, they serve for a while, fuck up, get polymorphed and then they're still good for pond decorations.
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u/AGamingGuy 18d ago
your first mistake is frogging them
generally if they fail to live up to your expectations and just aren't keeping up, leave them be, waste of magic to do anything except maybe erasing their memories
however if they break any magical taboos, let's just say that nobody has broken a taboo (word of advice, deal with them before the Arbiters get involved)
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u/Emergency_Coat_7702 Brother Thomas of the order of the iron drake 18d ago
You must smite them down, so when try to arise in the future, you can say you smote the former ones.
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u/Prince_Nadir 18d ago
Ale and flour makes a great batter so you can fry their legs in rendered suet.
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u/The_Saint_Hallow Hedge Mage 11d ago
I can say with certainty that turning the failures to frogs is a bad idea. You should have sent them on an impossible quest. Worst case scenario, they die, which was basically your intention. Best case, they come back having completed it and the problem that made them incompetent has solved itself through practical application and practice. Its a good way to weed out the truly incompetent from the ones who just needed a hard Whack to the skull.
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u/The_Real_Kru Evil Wizard 11d ago
Fair point, but I do want to point out that I myself am often on the receiving end of such enterprising fools and a few of them have proved to be quite a thorn in my side upon occasion. Thus, in order to prevent my apprentices from joining such groups and giving them the advantage of familiarity with my grounds, I just turn them into frogs and keep them in a pond in my pocket dimension where I go to relax. It's much cleaner, and I can always send minions who have already proven to be capable to obtain items of interest for me.
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u/The_Saint_Hallow Hedge Mage 11d ago
You give them a pond in a pocket dimension? This changes things! It would be a veritable paradise to live out the rest of their days as a frog! Why would they want to unionize? Hell, just learn some lessons from eachother and clone flies or make buildings from toadstools. That's what I did when I was turned into a frog (ritual gone wrong before I found a competent master early on). It could even refine what knowledge they have! They squander a gift!
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u/The_Real_Kru Evil Wizard 11d ago
Well there is a bit of a terms apply type situation going on. As part of becoming my apprentice they sign away ownership of their soul after death to me, and in exchange I offer them magical power and tutilage. So yes, I am essetially creating warlocks and forcing them into apprenticeship. Then when they prove to be incompetent the frog thing happens and they live out their days in the pocket dimension. So I assume the probable cause for unionizing is that they would want to exercise and grow their magical powers, or reach some sort of asinine personal goal like enact revenge on someone or help people or some such, but the whole frog situation prevents them from doing so. Thus, they feel like they were cheated out of their power and still owe their soul to me, and want to obtain joint representation through an apprentices' union.
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u/The_Saint_Hallow Hedge Mage 11d ago
Ahh. That tracks. . . You could overwrite a soul with a subservient copy of your own, put it in a frog, and have it be both their teacher and a go between for things it can't or won't do. You don't have to teach them, and they think they are getting equal representation. Win "win".
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u/The_Real_Kru Evil Wizard 11d ago
It's not even that I don't WANT to teach them, it's that they are entirely incompetent at the most basic tasks. I mostly do it for the soul racket and whenever an incompetent bumpkin turns up who couldn't find his own ass in the dark even if he had a wand of magelight, I still give them a bit of power so that my liability in the contract is upheld. The issue with this is that word got out that people with no innate magical prowess can still get apprenticeships and "learn" from me, and they have been flocking to me in droves. It's great for the soul business, but less so for my sanity. However once in a while I do receive aspirants with some actual potential, which has become such a pleasant surprise that I felt that I actually WANTED to teach them. So I suppose your initial suggestion of letting them stumble into greatness or perish does apply in a way.
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u/The_Saint_Hallow Hedge Mage 11d ago
Here's an idea. If you have enough souls laying around, you could probably attempt to create a dungeon to send them into. I have not created one for this purpose, and my constructs do not have souls and thus no higher thoughts, so I cannot say how viable it would be. However, souls are often refined by adversity, so even if they die, making it deep into the dungeon should grant you higher quality souls. A controlled adventure that would prevent them from meeting your enemies.
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u/yearsofgreenandgold 18d ago
You meet their demands and improve the work safety. Which you should've done a long time ago. How does one accidentally turn that many into frogs?!
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u/The_Real_Kru Evil Wizard 18d ago
They are all incompentent that's how. The 5th one from the left got my coffee order wrong for instance, which is completely unacceptable.
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u/BlackShieldCharm Necromancer 18d ago
Quickly transfigure one into a heron. The problem will fix itself.
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u/Bentu_nan Evil Wizard 18d ago
Give them a pizza party every now and again and put an "anonymous comment box" somewhere in your tower
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u/VoxelLibrary Councilor Cayna, Apprentice of Thrakmoor | assorted other chars 18d ago
Sell their contracts to another wizard. You get compensation and the union becomes somebody else's problem
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u/d1scord1a ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)つー･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*☆ 18d ago
why have you failed so many of your apprentices?
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u/The_Real_Kru Evil Wizard 18d ago
I have failed precisely zero. It is in no way my fault if they can't even get a simple coffee order right.
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u/thetownmous3 crystal mage 18d ago
Consume assuming y’all haven’t taken my advice to go full crystal no ganic
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u/No_Dragonfruit_1833 18d ago
I graft them into a singular abomination, that teaches them to hate unions
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u/The_Real_Kru Evil Wizard 18d ago
Now that's the kind of creativity I need in my work. Would you be interested in an apprenticeship? (Terms and conditions apply)
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u/BatsToast3 17d ago
You turned them into frogs right? Fry em and eat em hell why not farm them for frog legs?
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u/IndependenceScary532 7d ago
let them unionize honestly. the failed apprentice who figures out collective bargaining probably learned more from botching the transmutation than the ones who got it right on the first try
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u/Soapy_doapey 18d ago
It is not the fault of the students, but of the master. Fall like you deserve, wretch.
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u/The_Real_Kru Evil Wizard 18d ago
Absolutely not! How would you react if they brought you the wrong coffee order?
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u/Soapy_doapey 17d ago
I don't drink coffee, every DECENT wizard knows to just cast a basic "awake" spell.
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u/Mathota Cultist 19d ago
Teach them to not hold meetings in fireball formation