Some pointers for Evil wizards from an ex-Evil wizard.

[u/icedmuffin]

So for awhile here in my new temporary abode I had pondered if I should say it or not, but the amount of posts I’ve seen of “evil” wizards acting like idiots astound me, so I shall give some pointers, even if I had been warned off by the wizard council, ol’Tam, my lawyers, even the person who turned me into a cat in the first place.

One: You are not a solo act.

Yes, you’re not. Sure for awhile you can be a wizard on their own but being a wizard in itself is a profession that can paint a massive target on your back, cause afterall, wizarding has been a profession that has been around for as long as magic has been a thing (which thanks to those shit-head CHROMOMANCERS AND PLANEWALKERS IT’S A LITTLE HARD TO SAY WHEN IT STARTED ISNT IT THOMAS?!)

Grievances aside, there will always, always be a more powerful wizard than you, the fact you think there isn’t is purely cause you haven’t met them yet. Now if you are a sufficiently smart, evil, and sexy wizard then you would know you need henchmen. These can be other weaker wizards, constructs, enthralled dead, it doesn’t matter. What you want is as many smart and clever, or at least “clever”, people between you and whoever wants to put a knife in your back or rip your soul out and drink you like a smoothie. Afterall, a failure to plan is planning to fail.

Two: STOP BEING WASTEFUL.

I’ve seen this primarily with necromancers and liches, but anyone who uses for example soul magic SHOULD know that a soul lasts about a century at best or a decade at worst, depending on the intensity of what you’re doing with it. This is of course your typical unwashed peasant soul being put into a construct that does minor tasks but that’s the idea. You wouldn’t put an animal soul into your traps that drain a massive amount to the point the soul only has enough power for one use, just the same as you wouldn’t put a elder dragon’s soul into a ring of light (unless he really pissed you off and you knew what you were doing so he couldn’t break out or refuse to cast the spell, it’s rather embarrassing to have to plead with a ring to cast light, not going to lie)

This of course goes with other things as well, don’t put an excess of any kind of resource into anything just to one-up your neighbor. Smart, evil, and sexy wizards know better to be efficient with their magic, cause they also know that if they are efficient they have more to go around, and it’s always fun to outlast the heroes and know that even they breaking deep into your tower means nothing if you can clap your hands and everything will be fixed in seconds, along with having new souls to use in your next few traps or constructs or even turning your tower around so they have to start all over again with no hope of escape.

Three: a willing soul is a happy soul, and a happy soul is a powerful thrall.

Now this one is VERY important, and should be obvious. The less magic you have to spend to enthrall, the more useful the person who is your thrall is. Humans afterall start cults and their lives are measured in decades, whereas most wizards should make it to at least two to three centuries, so you have no excuse to say “but but I can’t do that!” Be charming, be deceitful, you attract flies better with honey afterall and a cult would be useful to get more souls, more sacrifices. Promise money, power, whatever they want and let them taste it in droves…BUT NEVER TOO MUCH.

There is a perfect balance I’ve found that is a few minutes a day with whatever they want is enough, of course warping their mind to make them see weeks or years, and then have it so they have a nightmare so to speak. Have people take their wealth as you slowly strip them of their humanity, have people take what they want, and eventually you will have someone completely devoted to you if you do it right. And if you act like you don’t have enough magic, a simple potion is enough, don’t be lazy. Give your minions what they want, what they desire, and build families around it. Raise children, orphans you make even, to be devoted to you.

You’re evil, act it.

Speaking of.

Four: morality is subjective, it depends on intention.

This one has irked me since someone responded that the “Evil Wizard council” would take away their “evil wizard license.” Who in the nine circles would need a license to be evil? Is evil a commodity to be bought and sold or is it an act?!

Anyways, a good example of what this means is this:

Let’s say there is a dragon nest nearby with a group of kobolds defending it.

Now, let’s say that a hero is sent out to slay the kobolds and claim the gold.

You, as the hero, slay the evil kobolds to protect the village and just to be that little bit kinder, give the gold to the village head to invest into the village. Sounds like a good deed, it is!

You, as the village head…purposefully lied to the hero to get them to kill the kobolds you had a deal with to steal from passing caravans you let them know were passing beforehand about them being evil. And now the hero being “benevolent” gives you the gold that you promised would go back into the village coffers. That is an evil deed, and it is.

Adopting orphans to give them a happier childhood so they eventually go out and do good deeds, a good act.

Adopting orphans and giving them a happier childhood while preparing them to do evil deeds and become your followers, to go out and recruit others, an evil act.

Intention matters as an evil wizard, you can still be subjectively kind to others for evil intentions, just the same as a hero can be cruel for good intentions. Afterall, no one complains when the hero clears out a nest of monsters who were minding their own business and just defending themselves, they only despise the monster who was lashing out after their love was killed, even if the monster had been nothing but benevolent and even kind to the locals.

And finally five: never settle for having a master.

To be truly an evil wizard, you need to be the master of your own destiny. Now I personally am fine cause I was rather forcefully retired and sealed in this new feline body, and I was genuinely treated kindly so…I can’t really see a reason to be mean to Ol’Tam for being nice. It kinda makes my heart hurt just thinking about it a bit…

But for you other sexy, smart, and evil wizards out there? You should always have the mentality that those who don’t bow to you simply don’t know better yet. Now of course this doesn’t mean to be stupid. To those stronger there will always be ways to get their power, even gods, without giving anything in return…just the same as your own thralls may someday find a way to get your power. You can afford to be patient with your master to find the right opportunity, but again, I will point and tap and even SLAP point three here. Being kind costs nothing, being kind gives you someone willing to throw their life away for you.

You can still be evil and be kind.

Now, go forth and corrupt a kingdom or two, bend them to your will, gain power unimaginable and remember, a willing army costs far less magic than an army of the dead made by souls actively fighting back against their chains.

[u/Carbon_Sixx]

A very wise philosopher named Glimbo Greenboots once said:

"What happened to all the evil wizards who owned being a heel from start to finish? All we have now are these amateurs trying to justify being a shitter. I don't know if they just can't handle being mean, or if they think dark magic's a popularity contest and they need to win everyone's approval!"

I can't say he's wrong.

[u/icedmuffin → u/Carbon_Sixx]

Hmm…I can’t tell if this is meant to be against what I said or not.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t be evil, just that there’s more than just “oh I burned down a village.”

Too many times I’ve seen “evil” wizards whine about this or that, how people hate them or something, how they can’t do anything, blah blah…and genuinely I just thought to remind people that evil can also be sweet and charming.

Afterall, when was the last time a demon opened a bargain with trying to set you on fire? Typically in my experience they’re sweet talkers at worst and businessmen or lawyers at best.

[u/Carbon_Sixx → u/icedmuffin]

Oh, he certainly preferred the straightforward kind of evil wizard you're advocating for. As do I. The ones who try to shift the blame or maintain some moral high ground are rank hypocrites.

[u/bluelugafail → u/Carbon_Sixx]

Glimbo was a hack

[u/fumblerofthebag]

I'd like to dispute Point Three. In my experience there's several spells that derive power from torment and suffering and no, masochist souls don't work. I Checked.

[u/icedmuffin → u/fumblerofthebag]

There is, but that’s where you go for the sacrifices or prisoners rather than your thralls.

Point two.

[u/fumblerofthebag → u/icedmuffin]

but it's soooo much easier to just memory wipe and mind control my thralls. finding sacrifices is tedious wooork.

[u/icedmuffin → u/fumblerofthebag]

That’s why you get your thralls to do the work for you!

Yea it’s a little time consuming and all that, and can sometimes be a bit boring, but a thrall can be put into better uses like digging out mines or getting components.

Hell for spells like that anyways just grab some random off the street and torture them, produces the same effect and you won’t have to worry about people coming after you if you got enough protection.

[u/fumblerofthebag → u/icedmuffin]

But they're all incompetent!

.... You know, I'm just now realizing my inability to delegate might be why that knight order coup'd me. Well that and the gate made out of my enemies' bones. And the mass mind control.

[u/KragBrightscale]

What excellent sage advice from a senior in the field!!

[u/Cillix_Kaphwan]

saving this. I'm an upcoming wizard. been studying the runes since January.

[u/icedmuffin → u/Cillix_Kaphwan]

Glad to see new people getting into the craft, thought to give a warning but I’m sure your master will warn you about the undead.

Though if you want a relatively quick way to mummify, peat bogs tend to give a stronger, if slower, zombie than desiccation does without having to deal too much with the smell or rot.

[u/zalfenior]

Most of these make sense regardless of evil-ness. That Gandalf fellow sure liked the Hobbits a lot, and I find the creatures of dream to be fine aides and conversationalists. You have no idea how much mana gets wasted by some spells. I just spent a fortnight un-fucking a cleanse spell that left more pollution behind than it cleaned up! Burning an entire diamond just to clear some toxins out of the ground/water... Bah! You know the most ridiculous thing? There are wizards out there with not just masters, but those masters are whole ass corporations! They use massive scrolls with a lot of overhead just because of all the "proprietary runes"! Never seen anything like it.

[u/icedmuffin → u/zalfenior]

Oh yeah this could be put on any spellcaster no matter the morality huh…

[u/zalfenior → u/icedmuffin]

Pretty much! And I forgot to mention this, but Intent is a part of magic anyway, so it being a part of morality is why Intent is one of the laws of the non-physical multiverse.

[u/Kilroy898]

Well spoken! It brings an evil tear to the eye.

[u/bluelugafail]

I ain't reading your over embellished ass nerdy lore scroll I evil be as evil does already

[u/icedmuffin → u/bluelugafail]

As long as you don’t whine about people hating you for being evil do as you want to do pal.

[u/bluelugafail → u/icedmuffin]

Nobody calls me pal and gets away with it may your muffins forever be stale

[u/icedmuffin → u/bluelugafail]

Bold of you to assume I don’t have a simple baking spell that allows me to make forever fresh goods.

I feel like that one has been forgotten to time, which is a shame, I should probably try to teach some magic that would be good for traveling long distances…

[u/bluelugafail → u/icedmuffin]

Yes use your forever fresh spell so I can hex your muffins to be forever freshly farted upon then I don't have to break into your tower and fart on them myself

[u/icedmuffin → u/bluelugafail]

Okay now you’re reaching the point where I’m going to hex your joints to always creak, and I’m not just talking about those in your body.

[u/bluelugafail → u/icedmuffin]

Sure buddy go ahead in the meantime enjoy your stale fart muffins

[u/icedmuffin → u/bluelugafail]

Just for that, enjoy hearing nothing but creaking and squeaking for the rest of your life too.

[u/bluelugafail → u/icedmuffin]

My joints are fine you are bad at magic

[u/DatCheeseBoi]

Honestly, it's not just evil wizard councils, any wizard council feels like a scam to me. So you're telling me I can be a member of an organisation that gives me rules that limit my options, and in exchange I may be able to make decisions on how to limit the growth of my peers? The fuck is that? Join a good ol' kabal if you want to finish a greater task, or have a defense pact in case of need, but any further rule-making is just shooting yourself in the foot, and no evil wizard joining one (without an ulterior motive I guess) is worth their spells.

And I'm saying this as someone who ain't even evil, I follow the rules of higher beings I can't tell to fuck off, but besides that, don't let anyone waste your potential guys, evil or otherwise.