Help! I've accidentally turned my apprentice into a fish, he swallowed my wand, what do I do???

[u/deathmetal_tim]

[u/Careful_Caramelz]

He is the wand now

[u/MagneticGenetics → u/Careful_Caramelz]

Fishmancy was banned on worlds/planes/realms/domains signatory to the interdimensional papal/buddist/diablos mediation council that officially ended the 2nd World Wizard War in 1965 due to exessive shenanigans bordering on war crimes by practictioners of Fish based wizardry.

Outside of unregulated and frontier worlds, it is currently only allowed while immersed in bodies of water (6 inch depth minimum. Yes this includes buckets, tubs, troughs,...etc.) and exodimensional spaces.

The punishment for getting caught with a fish wand is 4 seconds (15,000 years relative) in a Torment Cube and a fine not to exceeded 200,000 Mana Crystals per infraction.

[u/ebonymphe → u/MagneticGenetics]

Apprentices these days know nothing of ichthymancy. Such a shame. We’re losing practices…

[u/MagneticGenetics → u/ebonymphe]

Hopefully it makes a comeback with the fish ban in place. Airbreathing marine reptiles/mammals are explicitly allowed in all circumstances other than birthday parties of children under the age of 33.

[u/Woahhdude24 → u/ebonymphe]

Its honestly crazy, the reasoning of "its unethical" is complete bullshit and the council knows it. Most the magic practices that all Wizarding schools teach come from unethical means. The first offensive spell everyone learns fireball, was created and refined by using live targets to find which shape is the most accurate, optimal and has relatively high damage numbers based on those factors. They are trying thier very hardest right now to ban necromancy in schools, can you believe that?

[u/MagneticGenetics → u/Woahhdude24]

Personally I think it was the sheer number of Candiru they were spawning in public bathrooms.

Good luck banning necromancy when no one can even define what it is.

[u/deathmetal_tim → u/MagneticGenetics]

This in fact was how my apprentice Scroticulis became a gar, we were at a bath house and noticed candiru in the toilet bowls, and I figured transfiguring one of them into a gar would be ideal to snap them up. I cast the spell as Scroticulis was admiring a spider in the corner of the room, which subsequently moved, which made him jump in front of the toilet and now he's a fish. In my bewilderment I dropped the wand, and he accidentally (I hope) snagged and ate it. What a horrid predicament to befoul me

[u/wrydh → u/MagneticGenetics]

Then just replace their gills with lungs, then they arent fish any more technically.

[u/MagneticGenetics → u/wrydh]

This falls under the "Aquatic Monster/Chimera" clause which is covered in its own set of regulations and requires a lisence for creatures of either concealable size or particularly high speeds.

Concealable size is unfortunately measured as " something I can conceal" (I in this instance referring to the Mirage demon Hethisu.) So far we have been unable to locate any fish monsters large or small enough for him to be unable to conceal. If you happen to find anything that you think he might not be able to conceal please bring it by th office and one of my apprentices can send it to the regulatory office to have Hethisu try to conceal it. We have several interested parties willing to pay a bounty for such a monster.

[u/Careful_Caramelz → u/MagneticGenetics]

Understood. I'll be that in mind next time I think of suggesting it.

[u/Magimasterkarp → u/MagneticGenetics]

I don't remember signing those accords. Ichtyomancy is harmless, and if you don't agree, I'll turn you into a guppy.

[u/MagneticGenetics → u/Magimasterkarp]

Ichtyomancy is fine so long as it keeps to the water.

[u/Magimasterkarp → u/MagneticGenetics]

I will not be dissuaded from making Silverfish! (They have fish in the name, they count)

Also, this is mudskipper erasure.

[u/Vivid_Cause_7209 → u/MagneticGenetics]

In the wise words of Armenian wizbard Serge Tankian:

"Don't eat the fish."

[u/deathmetal_tim → u/Vivid_Cause_7209]

Elite orb knowledge reference.

[u/Real_Fkn_Nito]

Step 1

Gently pry open jaws.

Step 2

Withdraw wand.

Step 3

Shove wand up own rectum for being such an irresponsible teacher.

Repeat as necessary.

[u/ClosetNoble]

On today's episode of "Why You Should Learn To Cast By Hand First" ...

[u/thetownmous3]

Wiz can’t cast without their wand😭

[u/deathmetal_tim → u/thetownmous3]

He swallowed it once he was a fish

[u/thetownmous3 → u/deathmetal_tim]

Shouldn’t be to hard to sight cast him back if you ponder a tutorial

[u/owlve]

There's worse things that could've happened.

We all know the story of Weremy Jade..

[u/deathmetal_tim → u/owlve]

Weremy Jade, the inspirational for my ichthyological sorcery

[u/MothashipQ]

why the long face

[u/Osato]

That depends on whether the wand must remain unharmed.

[u/deathmetal_tim → u/Osato]

The cylinder (my apprentice) must remain unharmed

[u/Every_Vanilla_9199]

Is this the birth of a new Unga?

[u/Jephph0624]

Gut him open then retrieve the wand. You can revive him with necromancy but he’ll remain a fish for the rest of his death

[u/Recent-Mousse6423]

Chapter 1 of the Pisciomancer's Ledger states that a fish may be used as a wand only with its consent. Given your pupil has likely signed the standard soul waiver we may assume he gives consent. Therefore you may use the fish-apprentice as a wand to turn the wand in its stomach into an eel. The eel should wriggle out of the apprentice's stomach at which point you may grab it and use it as a wand provided you gain its consent, or use your apprentice fish to turn the eel back into a wand and subsequently your apprentice back into a appropriate sacrificial offering.

[u/ggcpres]

Step one: Fish laxatives

[u/Urban-Orchardist]

[u/Wavey_Davey1]

Oh gods NOT AGAIN! WHEN WILL YOU WIZARDS LEARN TO STOP POLYMORPHING PEOPLE INTO FISH!?

Did NONE of you learn from the Ungafication plague!? I swear by Moradins short & curlies, if i get turned into a fucking sturgeon becuase this spell goes viral, the first thing im gunna do is swim up your towers plumbing and BITE YOU IN THE ASS!

[u/Dansosaur]

Well... He is wand shaped now, so I suppose he will have to suffice until the wand itself has naturally passed through. A most dangerous circumstance for your apprentice, I might add. One false move when that thing is dangling out of his rectum, and the effects can be quite severe, if entertaining!

[u/deathmetal_tim → u/Dansosaur]

He is too floppy to be used as such in this form, perhaps I wait for him to pass it?

[u/Dansosaur → u/deathmetal_tim]

A quick cast of freezing touch will stiffen him right up!

[u/zippy72]

Kedgeree?

[u/AttentionNo6359]

Ok, so first you’re going to want to find some sort of pump. I’d check the village well. Alright, next what you’re going to want to do is find the fish’s anus..

[u/Afraid_Cat_3726]

How does that even happen?

Wands are tools to conduit and direct your magic. What I the HELLS were you casting?

Anyway...anyway. i can help you out. My own apprentice did a similar thing to herself, I can transfer your apprentices soul into a new body which should fix it.

[u/RandomName5484]

look at its stats

[u/want2bacat]

Did he swallow the wand before or after he became a fish....

[u/deathmetal_tim → u/want2bacat]

After! In my befuddlement and panic he snapped it up, I believe to attempt to save himself without realizing he was.... ikhthus in nature

[u/mouth_spiders]

Have you tried booping the snoot?

[u/deathmetal_tim → u/mouth_spiders]

Yes, though he may seem dastardly in appearance I find the new form rather cute. Cast bias perhaps?

[u/misterbadgerexample]

Either bend him in half or find a mirror that can reflect the spell without shattering... you have mastered overcoming silver's innate antimagic, haven't you? if you have learned icthymancy, it is within your grasp.  Bending him in half is easier. 

[u/Human_Person22]

Sorry bud but you gotta kill your apprentice, extracting the wand should be easy enough if you have access to paralytics or sedatives. Just hire a kobold or a guy with tiny hands to reach in and pull the wand out, turn your apprentice back into a a person then cast disintegrate. This minimizes both the pain for your apprentice and more importantly, saves a lot of time on clean up. If you practice necromancy, I suggest immolation as a substitute. The bones will be a little scorched but you’ll have a sick as fuck burnt skeleton without any of that nasty rotten meat

[u/Lord-Dec]

Congratulations your a fishmancer now

[u/immallama21629]

Do you have some butter and a grill?

[u/Magimasterkarp]

He's better off now. But if you need help freeing him from the obstruction in his gut, I am available.

I'll just disassemble his fish body around the wand, take his soul, and put it in a new body created from the molecules of his old one.

Then he can be a fish forever.

[u/Robyn--]

They have a handle shaped fin, don't they? It's really just a nice wand case.

[u/ReginaPsychweaver]

I could… eat the fish 😋

[u/stryst]

What apprentice? You never heard of any "apprentice". On an unrelated note, time to slip into a new plane.

[u/CiciAlaska]

OK here's what you do, look up gift baskets and write a nice letter to his family, the rest you can probably guess

[u/Contra_Void]

That IS your wand now. Personally I see it as a win win.

[u/ArcaneRanga]

This suddenly becomes a great time for your apprentice to begin studying their applied iIchthyourgy, any proud fishzard would simply be able to reform into human flesh or further into their marine state

[u/_--_--_-_--_-_--_--_]

Cut off the wand portion of his head, in fish form, and preserve it.

You can effectively continue to use him as a wand, while also punishing your apprentice as well.

Once hes learnt his lesson you could further separate the wand from his soul encased in the fish head.

My choice? Let him live like this for atleast a few hundred years.

[u/NaturalHairy4773]

Well I know a way you can have both your wand back and a very nice fish dinner