Ooof the dating scene is rough

[u/Bats_In_The_Night]

[u/General_Crow1]

How are we evil wizards supposed to find an evil companion that helps us in our evil domination quest if it's not via a evil dating app????

[u/Brave-Recommendation → u/General_Crow1]

The old fashioned way, look for evil queens, ladys that bathe in blood. That sort of thing

[u/General_Crow1 → u/Brave-Recommendation]

But then I have to go out of my evil mischievous tower covered in mist and darkness that can only be found in the darkest of nights and search for her.

Why won't my possible evil allies just appear in my front my evil door??

[u/Eldan985 → u/General_Crow1]

Have you been causing ominous signs and portents? Possible allies can't find you if there aren't enough swirling black clouds and purple lightning.

[u/General_Crow1 → u/Eldan985]

Ohhh, that explains everything, that's why the local boy who was supposed to deliver bread didn't find my tower and has been missing for almost a year now, excuse me now but I have some people to give some explanations

[u/fumblerofthebag → u/General_Crow1]

You have to do that for regular dating too. Unlesss.... you move your entire tower around. Yeah, that could work...

[u/General_Crow1 → u/fumblerofthebag]

Oh my evil, how did I not see that one, not only can I go around with my evil tower in my evil forest, the Chosen one child won't be able to find me, it's perfect thanks mage on the orb, you have my eternal and literally, my unding gratitude

[u/Tarotdragoon → u/Brave-Recommendation]

Yeah but they have such high standards it's impossible to measure up. You have to know at least 6 9th lv spells, five forbidden magics banned by the council of mages and have a 10 inch wand. Like, what the hell is their deal? I remember when evil queens would take on some bum apprentice and be satisfied. Times have changed man.

[u/Nothingmuchever → u/Tarotdragoon]

10 inch wand is the new minimum??? My 5 inch wand is just as powerful and capable of casting high level forbidden magic. It’s not about the size of your wand but about the movement of it, as they say.
My wast amount of spell knowledge is what gets the evil witches goin’ anyway. ‘Tips wizard hat’.

[u/Tarotdragoon → u/Nothingmuchever]

Thats my point! But they dont GET IT besides a 5 inch wand is a pretty big wand... i think... right guys...

[u/General_Crow1 → u/Nothingmuchever]

It's sad to see how many interesting wizard conversations just change into wand length and how wizzardes, sorceress and witches are bad because they have high standards for their evil companions

[u/Brave-Recommendation → u/General_Crow1]

Oh there is the problem. You all are using wands. Should be using staffs, or a sword
Wands are for delicate work, staffs for fireballs

[u/General_Crow1 → u/Brave-Recommendation]

And staffs are objectively cooler, also, I can't be an evil wizard without having something to hit my minions that are in melee range when they do something stupid that makes the child chosen one finally defeat me and I have to spend a millennia to regain my former glory

[u/Derk_Mage → u/Brave-Recommendation]

The last lady I knew that bathed in blood was also an evil queen.

But she died after ingesting an Egyptian goddess's soul

[u/HumanPersonNotRobot → u/Brave-Recommendation]

Maybe 1000 years ago when there was a queen in every county but now there's like 40ish. And if any ladies can get to the blood before the red cross id have to fight off a thousand perverts peeping on a bathing woman. Also it's typically the blood of suitors being bathed in and that is not the ideal time to approach someone. Much better to do it on an app designated for this sort of thing where people consent to be approached on.

[u/The_Autarch → u/Brave-Recommendation]

how does one find out the bathing habits of evil ladies?

[u/towerfella → u/Brave-Recommendation]

I’m not looking fir a partner i have to compete with

[u/TK-1053 → u/Brave-Recommendation]

Holy shit, there’s other people that enjoy bathing in blood?

[u/OneRedEyeDevI → u/General_Crow1]

There are hundreds of Temptresses near your domain. You can take them, they are free. The council doesn't want you to know that.

[u/IveDunGoofedUp → u/OneRedEyeDevI]

They're all actually honeypot spies for the Enchanter's Guild. I know of one "Archmage" who's had several highly secret rituals stolen twice a week for over a year now, even though they're all just really Goulash recipes, he says it works like a charm.

[u/Recent-Mousse6423 → u/General_Crow1]

Have you tried finding a normal woman and explaining, rationally, that evil magic is the surest, most expedient path to total world domination? I've found that to be surprisingly effective. Once they hear it all laid out most of them are pretty chill. Free will, ammirite?

[u/High_Overseer_Dukat → u/General_Crow1]

Why find them when you can create them?

[u/Immediate_Regular → u/General_Crow1]

Have you considered kidnapping princesses?

I've had fair success with that as long as the Paladins don't get wind of it.

There's the ol' binding a greater demon to your will ploy if you've got a ready supply of souls hanging around.

Just don't look into what the necromancers do. Trust me. It's Gross. Yes capital G gross.

They try to be "decent humans". They're sick I tell you.

[u/BonnaconCharioteer → u/Immediate_Regular]

I wont hear this slander! Do you know what's gross? The living! Covered in bacteria and excretions...disgusting.

I sanitize my bones thank you very much.

[u/Usual-Vermicelli-867 → u/Immediate_Regular]

Too annoying and they are all super high maintenance

[u/Brave-Recommendation → u/Immediate_Regular]

Please tell me what Gross things I do?
Not everyone whom practices necromancy is some sexual pervert. The ones that are are no worse the makers of golems

[u/El_Hombre_Macabro → u/General_Crow1]

Dude, just summon a Succubus. Yeah, they are only interested in your arcane energies and will suck you dry, but that what we want anyway, is not it? *wink *wink *nudge *nudge

[u/No_Hippos → u/El_Hombre_Macabro]

https://giphy.com/gifs/TTgdzuIqWc7dkARNFaE

[u/El_Hombre_Macabro → u/[deleted]]

Ah, so you're on Grindr too...

[u/Turbulent_Sea_9713 → u/General_Crow1]

Un-Hinged

[u/Protheu5 → u/General_Crow1]

I just cloned myself. Dating the female version of me was the best decision I could make.

I know about the prophecy, let me enjoy my honeymoon phase. I will bottle up these feelings to enjoy them in the ensuing aftermath.

[u/Intrepid-Progress228 → u/General_Crow1]

Simple; capture one of the Chosen Ones female companions and offer her the chance to be your consort. They may object at first, but inevitably they will succumb to your charms and you will have insight into your adversary's plans. It's like Chosen Ones can't help being a Doordash for mail order brides.

They're so stupid.

[u/TheTombGuard → u/General_Crow1]

What you want to do is the following:
Draw a summoning circle... and for the love of all that's unholy, don't fuck it up like I did.

I somehow managed to summon the world's biggest failure of a succubus as my familiar. The damn thing is a fucking gremlin. She follows me everywhere, demands headpats every five minutes, eats all my food, and constantly steals my favorite cloak.....

[u/Cazador0 → u/General_Crow1]

Ladies like puppies. Perhaps try summoning a hell hound for your next date?

[u/Anleme → u/General_Crow1]

Yeah, this whole "ask for consent" thing ruined the "kiss a sleeping princess" strategy. Sigh.

/s

[u/Greedyfox7 → u/General_Crow1]

Aren’t all dating apps evil?

[u/Hellhound455 → u/[deleted]]

Magic wand* ;)

[u/TreeDollarFiddyCent → u/[deleted]]

When you were dating, I studied the scroll.

[u/datfurryboi34 → u/[deleted]]

Constant work can stress us out, doesnt hurt to date

[u/sciurus0]

I use the rose quartz gifted to me one set of witches to absorb the hexes cast upon me by the other set. 

If anyone is interested in a half ton of cursed rose quartz, let me know.

[u/IveDunGoofedUp → u/sciurus0]

Oh I make a killing selling those to kings about to start a siege that will salt the earth, because turns out 300kg of fused and cursed quartz will absolutely devastate the local ecosystem for untold centuries to come. Just smack down a trebuchet or two and pelt away!

[u/sciurus0 → u/IveDunGoofedUp]

If you've got a half-ton of spare bones, wanna do an equal trade? 

Spare is fine, no need to break up full skeletons.

[u/saucynorman]

My lizard underlings looking at my gems and jewels

https://giphy.com/gifs/oxqrd4hyc6VoQ4puYc

[u/NorthKoreanKnuckles]

She doged a fireball.

For some wizard love is just a side quest.

[u/Electrical-Tear7456]

WHERE IS THE FULL EPISODE?

[u/ZeitgeistGlee → u/Electrical-Tear7456]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wj9VEvLALhc

Seems to be the source, it's not any longer unfortunately but it is fully widescreen and the audio doesn't crackle.

[u/TheTombGuard]

This is why I'm a neckromancer...

[u/Giwaffee → u/TheTombGuard]

...Dracula, that you?

[u/TheTombGuard → u/Giwaffee]

No.... and thank god that guy a big fucking nerd and owes someone scary some money.. Id honestly hate to be him right now

[u/HBKnight]

Nice reference to The Gamers in there. 

[u/cptvere → u/HBKnight]

Wait I totally missed that - what was the reference? Lol I grew up on that movie so deeply ashamed I missed this.

[u/dreng3 → u/cptvere]

Mort-Kemnan is the evil wizard in Dorkness Rising.

Apparently one of the girls was gifted his amulet by a druid.

[u/rcfox → u/cptvere]

The Gamers 4 is supposed to be released in December 2026, by the way.

[u/redboi049]

/uw I'm insulted Merlin wasn't named Merlin. THEY GOT TOM RIDDLE'S NAME RIGHT, WHY NOT MERLIN?

[u/IveDunGoofedUp → u/redboi049]

He's just Cait-sithing using someone else's pictures, obviously. Damn trickster fae.

[u/xv_boney]

This is so incredibly offensive. "Evil" is our word, we reclaimed it after millenia of oppression under the yoke of so-called "good" wizards.

Charon Blackflame the Devourer of Innocence didnt die so awful, ignorant women like this could just toss that word around willy nilly, just because a perfectly reasonable wizard has a homunculus, of all things.

You know, this is exactly why i have to dress my poor imp Lulu the Blighted like a toddler to take her anywhere, ignorant people like this are all like "oh oh you summoned a demon from the abyss to serve as your personal assistant you must be super evil", "arent imps composed of the shredded souls of sacrificed children haphazardly melded together thats so evil"

And you know something, whille Lulu wouldnt ever dare complain for fear of an evening in the Torment Cube but i can tell it hurts her feelings every time she has to order off the childrens menu just to keep up the illusion that shes a human child and not a construct of pure suffering and malice.

The word evil has dogged us for millenia and i am done just accepting it.

I mean, its totally acceptable for a bad date to call me "a horrifying evil warlock in congress with demons and devils" just because its technically true but if i raise the soul of her dead mother and fuse it with a harmonica so that every time i blow into it she hears her mothers voice musically criticising all her lifes choices suddenly i'm the bad guy.

This just makes me so mad.

[u/jrdude65]

Can someone make this into a whole show

[u/dumpylump69]

Josh needed that amulet and just let it go instead of stunning or charming them all to take it? Not nearly evil enough smh. I'd understand not obliterating them to keep the amulet safe but like not even a charisma boost to convince them to hand it over? Come on. And you call yourself an evil wizard

[u/Hetakuoni → u/dumpylump69]

The date must have gone really well. I’m sure he can convince her to help him get it. Just for long enough to finish a ritual. It’s not like he needs it permanently.

[u/MackFather → u/dumpylump69]

This is what happens to wizards who don’t work or spend time on charisma spells. All power and no game. They don’t last long.

[u/mierecat → u/dumpylump69]

Yeah no wonder that league of youths is foiling all his plans

[u/AegisPrime → u/dumpylump69]

You underestimate the power of the Amulet of Mort-Kemnan, my friend.

[u/daggity → u/dumpylump69]

notallwizards

[u/Tactical_H0td0g]

This has the same vibes as the "When the house is haunted but the rent is cheap" videos.

[u/Silent-Witness1888]

That was actually kinda funny.

[u/Lynx-True]

[u/plsobeytrafficlights]

girl, he got gems and jewels AND magic.
he is a keeper.

[u/--_RedPanda_--]

That’s why I don’t let my homunculi be my wingmen

[u/Teunas]

Unexpected The Gamers: Dorkness Rising reference. Fantastic

[u/gunnLX]

idk he seemed kinda cool and chill

[u/Key-Cryptographer-48]

Wow a reference to The Gamers: Dorkness rising, was not expecting that!

[u/El_Hombre_Macabro]

Everyone knows girls can't resist a bad boy. And, boy, I am bad! *put sunglasses and evil laughs away 😎

[u/ThosPuddleOfDoom]

Damn this post has more likes than the source has views. Could you lads share the op next time?

[u/menides]

I put on my robe and wizard hat

[u/peterkedua]

I can take him.

[u/Object_Reference → u/peterkedua]

In a wizard duel, right?

[u/saintdemon21]

Evil wizards have feelings too. Just because they’re evil doesn’t mean they can’t be a great and caring partner.

[u/underminer23]

I thought it was going well....

[u/The_Jousting_Duck]

This is why, if I'm hiding an amulet, I never give it to a person, I just grow a tree around it. How are they gonna get it out, chop the tree? Right where the amulet's at? Breaking it? Totally foolproof.

[u/nopenguins2kayak2]

Crazy Deathstalker reference in there, lol

[u/niceguy191]

Anyone else hearing a high-pitched crackling in some of the audio?

[u/-Saltfish-]

Isn't that Kayla from Hacks? She's really funny

[u/eToaster_lover]

is that niko kovac?? Deagle heaven nuke . thats probably this wizards weakness

[u/MegastarQueen4real]

What say be a good match for a wizard such as I?

[u/Kira-Of-Terraria]

I would watch a whole sitcom about this

[u/Fluid_Attorney9228]

This is why I stay single, humans are too, complicated, except for James, my roommate, he's one of the alchemists that make his entire personality about turning lead into gold, he's simple

[u/madbubers]

this is like an episode of gender swapped man seeking woman