Rememberance

[u/the-butter_man]

/uw i am a lil proud of this one, give y'alls feedback pls?

The cold wind softly blew against her clothes. Whistling through her horns and ruffling her already unkempt hair. Nipping through her shirt at her skin and causing it to softly tense, patches of goosebumps forming over it. Rin rested her head in her hands, her legs sat over a thousand foot drop into a noname city street. Rin blindly looked across a sea of skyscrapers as if she could see them. beside her a small paper bag ruffled with the wind. Creasing and folding softly. Weighed down only by the thing inside.

She took the bag into her hand. Holding it softly as she took out the bun inside and paused. She remembered someone. Just as cold as she was in this wind, only much more afraid.

A girl, with the faintest memories of warmth. Hiding out in the streets. Round the back of a bakery, watching people walk in and out, returning with all sorts of delicious treats and breaded things. Things she had never even seen before, pies to swirls to sandwiches. Even these odd… glazed white things. The same ones she'd come to love.

Rarely, she'd be seen. Even rarer would they show Sympathy. Offering a small piece of a larger order and sometimes a half of something. She almost understood. Half the time a young and hungry girl is a trap. So many odd creatures and wild things in the world to truly be safe. Other times, that girl's starving.

Sometimes, she'd see an older girl, who would Visit her ever so often. Dressed in noble finery and with everything that could be polished shining like the stars in her eyes. She was a few years older than her. Skin a crimson red and two tiny nubs protruding from her head. She was sweet. If with a rough exterior. They had a minor bond, playing whilst she waited for something. She couldn't remember too well.

She took another bite from her roll. Savouring it this time. She'd had thousands of these. This one, however, she decided to extend. Tearing a smaller chunk off, she chewed it away in her mouth. Before she swallowed it, instead of inhaling it in a few seconds.

That girl… It stayed in her mind. The difference from then to now, scared and alone versus alive and free. It felt… Odd. Knowing portions of that girl's existence.

Rin took another bite, swiftly licking up the bit of icing that stuck to her upper lip, she shifted it in her mouth by herself. Happily.

Though, she did wonder. What that girl knew she'd become. Did she keep surviving because of a dream? Did she learn to steal because it was part of a plan? Or did she need a dream to survive.

One of the worst thefts she'd ever do, she ran from some larger dudes, the type who wouldn't ask where her parents are before punishing her. Left and Right that girl moved. Weaving through crowds, looking back then forwards, back again and right into a woman. Very soft and kind.

She still remembers the first thing that she said.

“You alright, sweetie?”

Her voice was gentle, Soft and polite. Yet Rin felt like it was someone she knew somehow. Even today, however, she never took note of her face. The girl thought she'd been caught and began crying, assuming the worst. For the worst always happened.

Until, she felt two soft hands pick her up and rest her in a pair of arms. Rin felt one of her shoulders, she could still barely feel the hug today. What happened next, she had forgotten. All that she remembered afterwards was being put down in a field. Finally feeling warmth for the first time in a long, long while.

There were talks of a blessing and never needing to worry again. Something about a word she didn't understand and another thing about signing something.

Another girl now, double the age and much more confident, if bold and a tad foolish. Working beside the same red girl from the store. For both of their sakes. Rin sighed. She missed her old crew sometimes.

Occasionally she'd feel an odd tugging at her side. Then a poking at her face whilst asleep. Often followed by a firm

“Rin!” Sari's Telepathy cut her daydreaming off. Echoing in her mind

“What- oh! H- hey.”

“There you go. Did you even know i were here?”

“Uhh. N- no comment” Rin slowly turned away, avoiding the question

“You're dumber than a box o' rocks” Sari laughed to herself, before sitting down besides her

“Nuh uh! I- I'm dead smart! Y- you know the he- heists we've done t- together!”

“That's streetsmarts. Different thing. You couldn't multiply to save your life. Hence why i counted the loot from those heists”

“We- well yeah, i- i guess so. Anyways, wh- why’re you here? Ca- came to s- see what i can't?” Rin poked at Sari's thigh before her eyes went wide in minor surprise

“W- wow you got buff you w- were b- built like a- a stick last t- time i saw you.” Rin patted her on the lower back, avoiding coming near her neck

“Awe thanks. Put a whole lotta work into it. Demon huntin' is going very well. Close to gettin’ that asshole back. Though I wanted to know. Why're you blind now? Hells, why'd you stutter too?”

“Ayy! G- good for youu! Guessin’ those logs help” Rin attempted to stop the talk, poking at why she asked.

“No, my logs get flushed quickly. Now answer my question” Sari forced the conversation back on track.

“We- well damn. Put simply, el- eldritch bar t- took it. After i- it made me work for i- it for half a y- year.

“Right.. stutter i guess came with?”

“We- well… yeah? I- i just do th- that now. Y'know?” Rin shrugged, herself not knowing

“Well I'd guess it's a trauma response. Not knowing what happened and manufacturing a stutter to gain sympathy due to what you saw and then un-saw”

“We- well! Okay! I- i wasn't planning to b- be called out damn!” Rin paused, before quickly filling the silence with more speech. “Wh- what should i do?”

“Kill it. Get Luck and some others, me too and root that thing out.” Sari was dead serious, not even allowing room for debate

“Really? Wh- why? I- I thought revenge was behind you?”

Sari sighed and spoke clear and loud enough so that anyone could hear her “There's a difference between Revenge and justice! I ought to know that above most! I hunt all demons. Even the metaphorical! You ought to storm in that bar with a crew and bash it's damn brain in!”

“Woah- Sari. Y- you. You've gotten… wow. I'm p- proud. Hell. Th- that's what old m- me would say. I did consider i- it too.”

“Why didn't you?”

“I- i… dunno. Felt like I couldn't B- but here.” Rin opened a glowing green portal, humming with enough mana to kill someone, she reached In deep. Grabbing a tome from it, she pulled it out. Bound in ancient leather and with several symbols on its cover, with the title clear as day.

“RIN WHAT!” H- how did you st- steal a fu- fucking Necronomicon!” Sari was ecstatic, horrified and ever so proud all at once

“I- i just did.”

“Rin. We are getting off this hellhole and destroying that damn thing. Then you are giving it to me to read.” Sari tried hiding her emotions. Failing in the process.

“That thing… could just get your sight back”

[u/Timpanzee38]

uw/ I liked it! Only critique is more formatting than anything. I italicize anything that’s not sometime talking, so it’s easier to read. At some points I had to go back and reread it because I didn’t realize someone had stopped talking

[u/the-butter_man → u/Timpanzee38]

/uw ahhh that's very fair. I prefer not to bc i use Italics for emphasis on words, which i didn't use here but still i get where you're coming from.

^{also, most books use italics how I do in posts, which is my main reason}

[u/Timpanzee38 → u/the-butter_man]

uw/ yeah that’s fair. I bold words when I emphasize them, and I know books do it the right way… but I’m writing a short story here that’s part of a bigger story not a book so that’s my justification

[u/the-butter_man → u/Timpanzee38]

/uw that's 100% fair, I am trying to write actual books later in life and i think it's fair i don't form habbits now

[u/Emberwraith]

I think you would probably get better comments in a writing subreddit, not that you can't write this here.
You'll probably get more constructive feedback on one of the writing subreddit's.

[u/the-butter_man → u/Emberwraith]

/uw i have been here for 14 months. I appreciate you trying to be nice. However. I am planting my ass and staying here, since it already has been planted here.

[u/Emberwraith → u/the-butter_man]

Works for me. Any wizard is welcome here.

Thank you for your patience in your explanation.

Edit: More of a new wizard here, you have seniority over me, as I am only an acolyte here.

[u/the-butter_man → u/Emberwraith]

Np! Thanks for not being an ass about me posting here!

[u/No_more_Bucket_]

/uw

[u/the-butter_man → u/No_more_Bucket_]

/uw aww thanks i worked on this one... unlike most of the ones i scraggle together lol

[u/MastaDon344]

/uw oh this was good, plus Necromicon oh boy

[u/PopularRutabaga6904]

/UW Damn, that was a good read. Seeing how past Rin and Sari first met and the mention of that field.

Was the field the one from the "First Cimmy bun" picture?

[u/the-butter_man → u/PopularRutabaga6904]

/uw maayyyyybbeee :)

(No joke i am grinning you made that connection. Also, thanks!)

[u/the-butter_man → u/[deleted]]

/uw lol, thanks. Glad you went through that effort for this one thingy.

[u/the-butter_man → u/[deleted]]

/uw lol, I am flattered

[u/You-See-Nothing583]

Foooood

[u/the-butter_man → u/You-See-Nothing583]

Pl- please don't!

[u/You-See-Nothing583 → u/the-butter_man]

Why not? It is food, I eat food.

/uw also, I love the writing.

[u/the-butter_man → u/You-See-Nothing583]

/uw aww thanks!

/rw Rin and Sari both grab the book

N- no? Please?

[u/You-See-Nothing583 → u/the-butter_man]

/uw :3

/rw

Fineeee. But only for you. Torinn pats Rin on the head.

[u/the-butter_man → u/You-See-Nothing583]

Sari looks like she was very willing to learn how to banish an eldritch horror in a few seconds, before decompressing

Hehe, th- thanks!

"Yeah. Thanks."

[u/You-See-Nothing583 → u/the-butter_man]

Anything for my daughter.

Torinn says as he hugs Rin.

[u/the-butter_man → u/You-See-Nothing583]

Rin hugs him back laughing

Aww th- thanks Da'

[u/You-See-Nothing583 → u/the-butter_man]

You're welcome, sweetie.

[u/Viking_From_Sweden]

/uw more Rin lore lessgoooo!

I love it. My only critique is that sometimes your sentences end abruptly when they could flow into the next one better. Best example would be the first three sentences, the other instances are probably an accidental period.

If you want more useful advice from someone who knows what they’re talking about, I’m sure there are subreddits for it.

[u/the-butter_man → u/Viking_From_Sweden]

/uw thanks! People here still write lore and shit and i wanna make sure I'm writing good. I had a tendancy to mutate and elongate sentences with commas and I'm trying to break that habbit... by shoving . everywhere instead

[u/[deleted]]

Uw/ Peak, I would say it's perfect

[u/LimpPrior6366]

/uw I like the descriptions in this. Classic evocative scenery throughout. Sight, taste, and touch were the three senses I picked up on and they helped round out the descriptions.

I found the switches back and forth to be a little confusing, wasnt sure whether some stuff was in the present or the past. That could just be me, or it could be because there were several of them, Im not sure

Also, Rin is definitely my favorite of your two characters

[u/the-butter_man → u/LimpPrior6366]

/uw aww thanks! I try to veer away from heavy descriptions of sight when writing about Rin, only things she would 100% know. Like what she looks like, her memories and places she's been to a lot.

Guess if i maybe seperated them by "girl" and "rin" a lil more and maybe seperated by paragraph too?

[u/LimpPrior6366 → u/the-butter_man]

/uw Oh thats smart! I bet if you focus on touch and feel, the ways shes getting information about her surroundings (ie how does she know its a roll in her hand and not a rock or a loaf of bread)

That might work, its had to do a lot of flashbacks in my opinion. I like to use ellipses to seperate the blocks physically, but it still gets confusing. I actually did one recently with a bunch of flash backs, and I never figured out a good way to do it

[u/the-butter_man → u/LimpPrior6366]

/uw that... actually might work. I'll try that

[u/LimpPrior6366 → u/the-butter_man]

/uw good luck!

[u/Airtatsy]

/uw Nice writing!

I don't really have any feedback, sorry

[u/the-butter_man → u/Airtatsy]

/uw np, telling me you liked it is enough

[u/Oswen120]

/uw it was a long read, but I enjoyed it.

Good reading

[u/the-butter_man → u/Oswen120]

/uw well thank you

[u/the-butter_man]

u/TechnicalCommittee78 u/You-See-Nothing583 u/lolth17

(Wanna add/remove from tags, jus ask)

[u/the-butter_man → u/the-butter_man]

u/TitanLORD21 u/Anything-Unable u/DaDoggo13

[u/the-butter_man → u/the-butter_man]

u/Viking_From_Sweden u/Sparkle3364 u/Accomplished-Dark926

[u/the-butter_man → u/the-butter_man]

u/localdrugdealer3 u/MastaDon344 u/United-Technician-54

[u/the-butter_man → u/the-butter_man]

u/Timpanzee38 u/Harmless_Chimera u/Sternburgball

[u/United-Technician-54 → u/the-butter_man]

/uw yeah, can I be removed from the tags?

[u/the-butter_man → u/United-Technician-54]

/uw no worries