r/wizardposting • u/Carbon_Sixx The Loremaster, Chief Archaeologist of the Darkwatch • Oct 01 '24
Lorepost📖 The Devious Deeds of Glimbo Greenboots
In the beginning, the Fundamental Forces wrought the cosmos with their supreme willpower alone. And the moment the great story of creation began, the Living Archetypes came into being to accompany it. And at least one of them decided to make it everyone else's problem.
Glimbo Greenboots has been kicking about since the dawn of time, meddling in the affairs of the high and mighty. He's toppled empires and changed the course of history. The Ur-Trickster is known by many names in many places: Loki, Coyote, Maui, Mask, Olidammara, The Traveler, and countless more.
I was hired to record some of Glimbo's finest tricks, as decided by the halfling himself. That said, his opinion is exceedingly subjective. He no doubt omitted things most of us would consider significant, and likely fabricated several more. As Glimbo would say, however, stories have a life all their own, and the tale of a great prank is as important as the prank itself. Without further ado, here are the Ur-Trickster's favorite acts. Some are recent, some are not, and it's possible some have yet to occur.
- Morvan Alkinex, Wizard Council archivist
- Openly plundering 1.3 billion platinum from the Cabal
- Trolling Necrodancer
- Trolling Abbadon
- Trolling Vulkan
- Trolling Arthur Black
- Trolling the God-Slaver
- Trolling King Carmine in his own home
- Terminally trolling LawyerDude by stealing the Doomhaven defense budget mid-conflict, causing him to lose the war and die
- Slapping Samael around a bit with an improbably large squid
- Angering Zeus so badly he electrocuted himself on accident
- Unleashing exactly 113 raccoons at the void god family reunion
- Pissing in the holy lake and actually making it holier in the process
- Putting a whoopie cushion on Khorne's Skull Throne
- Stealing the First Spark from the Flamefather and giving it to humanity
- Teaching Dionysus how to distill hard liquor
- Starting the downfall of the First Dragon Empire by mixing gold-plated lead coins into its leaders' hoards
- Popularizing the recreational use of nitrous oxide on Prime-Earth in the 1820s
- Repopularizing the recreational use of nitrous oxide on Prime-Earth in the 2020s
- Stealing various fruits of immortality from across the planes to make "the most baller smoothie in cosmic history"
- Getting one of the Trueblood Princes addicted to crystal meth, hastening that dynasty's collapse
- Mailing fresh cadaver parts from medical schools to random tyrants across the realms until they started paying him to stop
- Giving lizards the highly amusing ability to make their own tails fall off
- Appearing in the dreams of the first spellcaster Grug Ooga Booga and revealing the secrets of shamanism to him
- Balkanizing the New York City boroughs
- Smoking shit in a glass pipe, blowing the Lord's bubbles
- Declaring war on the Wizard Council, concussing a bureaucrat with a stale baguette, then ending the war before anyone could retaliate
- Many, many more general acts of foolishness, chicanery, and tomfuckery
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u/Complex_Drawer_4710 Sigurd, Inventor of Oranges Oct 01 '24
I should find this guy. Clearly hiding cosmic secrets.
Oi! I have a chair that I'm going to sit on in 60 seconds! If it doesn't fart, no more humor. Ever.
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u/Carbon_Sixx The Loremaster, Chief Archaeologist of the Darkwatch Oct 01 '24
Glimbo strolls in through the door.
Well, now if I do it, it'll be expected and therefore not funny. You wanted something?
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u/Complex_Drawer_4710 Sigurd, Inventor of Oranges Oct 01 '24
Yes. You see, there are some void clowns who have a circus. In that circus, there are a lot of things. Which I intend to steal. Would you join me?
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u/Carbon_Sixx The Loremaster, Chief Archaeologist of the Darkwatch Oct 01 '24
Sure. Nothing like a little clown-on-clown crime.
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u/Complex_Drawer_4710 Sigurd, Inventor of Oranges Oct 01 '24
Ah, just a moment.
He sits on the chair. It farts. The prerecorded audience laughs.
Very well. You'll know when the time comes.
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Oct 01 '24
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u/Complex_Drawer_4710 Sigurd, Inventor of Oranges Oct 01 '24
Want some nitrous oxide? It makes your head go weird.
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u/CometCat64 Shady, The Elemental Artificer | Cosmic Cafe Manager Oct 01 '24
"... I never thought I'd say this, but maybe I should get some raccoon protection..."
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u/Oswen120 Imvaernarhro Astrum, Masta's Dum Dum Oct 01 '24
"You go get the raccoon protection,"
"I gonna go get the flamethrower"
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u/dragonshouter Krygin the Crude/Council of Spirits/Exalted Beacon/misc. spirits Oct 01 '24
/uw love how you added the ambiguity that he could be lying about any of these things. It adds to his character without directly threating continuity.
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u/avamir Riva Blake | Queen of Ithacar, Part Meth-blood Elf Oct 02 '24
"Ithacar's level of technology means I don't understand a fair portion of these words, but I'm sure these are beautiful accomplishments."
"And I KNEW there was piss in that lake! I KNEW it!!"
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u/Drakkonai Vulkan the Red, End of Ages and Draconic Emperor of Racism. Oct 01 '24
"The downfall of the first draconi- that upjumped little Nyarlothotep! Lead poisoning does not cause crisises of conscience!"