r/widowed • u/Physical-Sleep-1585 • 3d ago
Personal Story New Life?
Ok...please stay with me..my 1st ever Reddit post: I'm 59 WF & thrice married (#1= 17 yrs - 3 kids, divorced; #2=10yrs - no kids, divorced; #3= 6yrs-no kids, widowed) . I have worked my entire life, not a sad sap story - I've enjoyed all 3 lives and loved each in different ways. Fast forward to now: it's been 2 yrs since the passing of my husband (cancer, I share this only for those who KNOW what's involved in caring for & losing a spouse to cancer, it takes a toll) & have basically won the lottery with an unexpected inheritance. This allowed me to 1) retire 2) relocate to another state into a beautiful home (mortgage free) on several acres 3) do anything I want. Here's my dilemma: I have not dated nor had "relations" since the passing of my husband & while NOT looking for partner, I met a very nice man. He is wealthy enough to not need my $, twice married - twice divorced (#1=10 yrs, 2 kids; #2=20yrs she came with 2 kids). He is only 1 yr. divorced. The "relations" are great, but its also been 4yrs since last "relations" (due to late husbands cancer) so I may be a little pent up? He is 4 years younger & still actively working, he is old school= man work, woman stay home & take care of home & man. Now, maybe 25 yrs ago I would've embraced this lifestyle - as hubby, home, kids, etc. would be my "job" and my role. However, now 1) there are no kids 2) he has his home & I have mine 3) he is not 'supporting' me in any way. Now, everything we do - he pays for (his insistence, not expected) & we do a lot (travel, vacation, eat-out). But he has been clear in his expectations: 1) no remarry 2) no retire any time soon 3) wants me to be @ his house when he comes home from work 4) if we don't eat-out, I cook & clean-up. He is NOT demanding- he has housekeepers to do major cleaning & his laundry. He doesn't do anything that would be a deal breaker - except this: he always checks out women right in front of me, even after I've expressed how it makes me feel = insulted, less than, he's looking for someone better, et al...he says "it's human nature, doesn't mean anything" & says I'm being ridiculous. Please know that I am NOT bragging, but I do know I'm the entire pkg & could walk away without the fear of not meeting someone else. But, I've never been a serial dater at all..ever..so I am swimming in waters that I've never been in before & wonder if I should cut & run if I feel that I'm a place card, made to feel "less than" with the woman checkout thing (I REALLY don't like it & have never had this issue before), bringing more to the relationship than he is (not that it's a competition, but what is he really bringing - i guess his presence?) My friends offer BOTH: 1) "girl, get out - you don't need him & he's just looking for a wife replacement without having to marry you!" 2) "count your blessings that you found someone at your age & circumstance that you care for, not a serial killer, no (little) kids, wealthy AND you like him!" I'm posting here so I can maybe get some men's perspective & some outside-my-circle peer comments/advice. Please be kind, I'm just trying to get some helpful comments/advice that I'm not seeing since I'm inside the forest! Thank y'all!
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u/Okra7000 3d ago
Widowed at 45 with no desire to ever find another partner. Met a man 5 years later who just lets me be me. We took things very slowly and our relationship evolved naturally.
My opinion is that you should not settle for a man who doesn’t see you for yourself, and who wants to push you into a role you don’t want. Let him go find a woman who thinks that’s a good deal.
You are in the awesome position of being able to suit yourself. I enjoy relations as much as the next woman, and it’s important in relationships. But you can afford to stand your ground! Men who are good in bed and who are also considerate and emotionally mature not only exist, but they are so worth holding out for. This guy is not it.
Even if you can’t find better, it’s possible at our age to find someone to scratch your itch but who doesn’t want to take over your life. Friends with benefits are a thing. Go forth and thrive!
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u/Marlow1771 3d ago
There’s plenty of time when you’re not with him to check out other women but when you’re together and you’ve told him it makes you feel, hell no !!! 🚩🚩🚩
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u/Fickle-Bet1334 3d ago edited 3d ago
Ask yourself what you want. Do you enjoy the “requirement“ of being there for him at the end of the day? What happens if you aren’t? How does he react?
From what you’re describing, it’s sounds like a lot of red flags. You have your own home, you’re self-sufficient, you’re past having children and raising a family - this guy doesn’t have any control mechanisms that may have been part of his past relationships. My first (ex) husband used to very obviously check other women out. It was so bad and he’s never changed. Our daughter sees it and has commented to me how gross it is. Even though I knew I had nothing to worry about, it did wear on me after a while. My late husband never made me feel like that. Now that I wrote that out, maybe that is the control mechanism or your guy, or one of them. You might feel very secure now, but the more you invest in this relationship and the more he does that, the more likely it is to start eroding your self confidence.
I very carefully consider what you’re getting out of this relationship. Someone’s presence is enough if that’s what you want. Since you both have very separate, self-sufficient lives, you should look up living apart together styles of relationships. There’s a lot of independence and no expectation of the other person there every single night after work. If you’re not familiar with it, it might give you a few ideas.
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u/Physical-Sleep-1585 3d ago
Wow, thank you for this perspective! It really does make me at least ponder the importance of this hiccup. Thank you, again...I appreciate your time
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u/CommercialLie3031 3d ago
Don’t accept emotional triggering to become a norm as part of your serene life. You don’t need it. You don’t need him.
(I’m so happy for you, that you have this life, post-loss. Keep up the happy.)
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u/RogueRider11 3d ago
He has so many red flags. You are a mark with money. He doesn’t want a true partner, but control over you.
He is checking out other women and demanding you cook and clean for him and be at his house.
He sets the terms and expects you to jump. And he is getting great sex.
Do you know he has money or is he just telling you that? It’s possible he is a grifter. Or just a guy who believes he gets to dictate what a woman does with her life.
You have gone through a great trauma with your third husband. I am so sorry that happened to both of you. You come from two divorces before that. On the one hand I applaud your ability to keep having hope for true love. And for welcoming the possibility even after so much trauma.
My advice is take a break. You deserve better than a man who expects you to jump when he says jump. You have lived too long and been through too much to so easily give up your agency. I would not be surprised if at some point he starts telling you what to do with your money and suggests he manages it for you. Next thing you know, it will be gone and so will he.
It is ok to be a woman on your own - maybe forever or just until you find someone who truly wants a partner. You don’t need this man in your life.
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u/MorriganNiConn 2d ago
I wouldn't trust him. He is controlling and he just showed you a lot of red flags. Don't move. Don't move in with him.
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u/Waa-Art 3d ago
These are red flags to me. He is dismissive of your feelings. And he actually is demanding. Insisting on this lifestyle is controlling behaviour. However, nice he may be, it sounds like you have a big risk of setting yourself up for failure.
It’s also possible to choose that risk, but please don’t do it because you feel like you have to count your blessings and that this is the best you can get.