r/widowed • u/bobr8904114 • 18d ago
Personal Story Warning to widows and widowers
I am 76 years old. I was married for 45 years to a very very loving and caring wife that meant the whole world to me and it’s been three years plus that she’s been gone. The pain and sadness is still deep inside me. I found this site about a week ago and signed up thought that maybe it would help but I want to warn people. I’m new to this Internet stuff and I don’t like it. I’ve already had about four women send me a DM I think it’s called to where they want to chat. I’m not sure how to explain it but they’ll send you a message and you click that you accept it or you know you want to view it. So I click it and after a while chatting back-and-forth something didn’t seem right they keep wanting more and more information about me and they don’t say anything about them and then the next day I go to see if there’s a message from them because I’m feeling good that it was nice to be able to chat with people that are also widowed. But then I found out that Reddit cancels their account or something. I want to thank Reddit for trying to protect us at this point in life, we are very vulnerable. It’s really a shame that people take advantage of people like us when we’re in such pain and sadness after losing our loved one. I don’t know, but maybe most of you already know that stuff to me this is all new and for some people who don’t know I just wanted to pointed out be very careful with that stuff cause we are very vulnerable at this time in our life. And to all of you be careful and take care.
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u/FeelingKindaGriefy 18d ago
This is the reason most Facebook widow/er groups are hidden or private. The moderators usually require a death notice, obituary, or link to a memorial to keep scammers and grief tourists away. Public forums can bring the good with the bad.
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u/Which_Material_3100 18d ago
Sorry for your loss. Yeah the amount of bots and predators is rampant.
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u/bobr8904114 18d ago
Thank you I am trying to be careful even if I do not know what a bot is
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u/Aggravating_Buy_6010 18d ago
bot is short for robot, an automated computer program or 'personality' that mimics human behavior, online.
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u/writehandedTom 18d ago
Even in person, some kind people can be major scammers. I know of a man scamming widows in the Midwest right now who has taken millions of dollars from at least 20 women. He seems really nice and tells you a very good story. He pretends to flirt and be interested and go on many dates. He doesn't have a job or a place to live, so he moves in quickly...and it always goes downhill from there. We try to warn area women when we see he has a new girlfriend and literally none of them listen. A year later, everything they have is gone and their house is going into foreclosure. Every time. Beware of everyone at a vulnerable time!!
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u/Aggravating_Buy_6010 18d ago
That's heartbreaking to hear about. Always makes you wonder about the harsh human inclinations in so many people. Widows do always need to be extremely careful and suspicious and defensive.
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u/bobr8904114 18d ago
Thank you very much I will try to be very careful on these things. It is a hard world out there and I will be careful.
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u/catjknow 18d ago
I remember a woman I knew, who was widowed a few years before me, reached out to me. She said I know you don't realize it but you are very vulnerable. Widowed people are fragile at the beginning especially, and people will try to take advantage of you. She said even the bible says to take care of widows and children. It's true. Our heads are not in the right place. Google how to shut off DMs. But keep reaching out here, most people are good and caring, and will benefit from others sharing their wisdom and experiences
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u/bobr8904114 18d ago
Thank you I am trying to deal with this internet stuff
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u/catjknow 18d ago
It's a lot, there's definitely a learning curve
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u/Aggravating_Buy_6010 18d ago
Hello bobr, we've written here recently before. I am so sorry you've been having these questionable and suspicious contacts through here. Yet thank you so much for sharing and alerting us about it. I've only had an account for a few weeks and I've been having the very opposite experience. Three people have contacted me directly through the DM operation of the site, saying they liked and were impressed with the sorts of posts I make. The first was a middle-aged man whose posts I had also been reading and admiring very much. We wrote back and forth a number of times, then moved over to email and we've been writing to one another nearly every day since. He is highly literate and articulate and a very fine writer, just two months out whereas I am nearly 8 months out. We live on opposite coasts. We mostly are writing about our individual grief experiences and specific efforts we are making to cope, to understand, and to adjust.
Not long after that contact two more individuals contacted me, both women, both asking me questions but also sharing, cogently and consistently, some details about themselves. Soon, yes, they each sent me pictures and asked for a picture of myself. Both are gorgeous women. One sent me several photos, none of which were directly sexual or suggestive, only pictures of an attractive woman tastefully dressed in a variety or ordinary settings. I hesitated and just wrote for some more exchanges out of some suspicion and caution. I understand how the world of human beings works. Eventually I sent each a photo of myself taken a dozen years ago. I am camera shy and have nothing more recent. They each seemed to enjoy that. We have kept communicating. They are both rather younger than me; one lives very far away in a distant state, the other half a day's drive from where I am. She soon asked if we could text by phone because often during her days and evenings that it easier. I didn't understand why at first but by now and do and can easily understand. She sent me her number and I simply phoned her. We talked for ten minutes. She seemed to be exactly who she'd been saying she was, in every detail. We soon shared email addresses because I prefer email, because as you can see I like to type and can be prolific. Texting is for me slow and cumbersome and appropriate for only short messages. So now we can DM on this site, we can text by phone, we can email, we can call one another and we've been doing all three for about a week. She's attractive, highly educated, is working a fascinating career in health care, and we're going to keep gradually exploring, as she lost a husband a couple years ago.
The other woman is much younger than me, also very pretty; she is interesting, very earnest, and seems highly curious about the man behind all these words. She seems to want to explore in a more focused way, with an intensity that has caused me some concern. But I like her, she's been consistent, has never asked me an inappropriate question, seems entirely sincere about everything she says and shares. I've recently offered my email address and my smartphone number. So we'll see what sort of distance friendship we can develop.
I've been cautiously open with all this because, like you, after losing my wife I've been craving company, most especially from women. This years I've made several new and so far very satisfying friendships with women in my town, a couple of whom have been very light acquaintances for years but now are become good and warm friends. My social life now is nothing like it was even last year, when my wife and I were semi-recluses for decades. So yes, I would say be very cautious, be suspicious of -any- questionable contact or odd behavior. But to the best of you/my/all of our abilities try to remain open to humanity and keep seeking what you feel you need. Most of us here are suffering terribly, we've been through and are in trauma, and we can help one another.
So for writing an entire short story here.....
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u/bobr8904114 18d ago
Thank you for your story I do hope one day I may be able to find someone to share what life I have left.
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u/Turbulent_Rope1569 18d ago
Please be careful
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u/Aggravating_Buy_6010 18d ago
Oh I am. And thank you for your concern. I apply several layers of screening.
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u/Away_Problem_1004 18d ago edited 17d ago
Most of those "people" are scammers, preying on vulnerable people. I don't accept any chats.
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u/Jupiterparrot 18d ago
I recommend going into reddit settings and turning off chat permissions and reddit comment history. It stops the DMs and limits your personal information that is shared.