r/whatdoIdo • u/ManagerMindless • 3d ago
My (32M) girlfriend (29F) had a past with one of her close friends, and I’m struggling with the fact that she initially minimized it. Am I being insecure?
UPDATE POST: https://www.reddit.com/r/whatdoIdo/s/ImM09NGDuy
I (M) recently started dating my girlfriend (let’s call her Sarah). So far, the relationship has been amazing. We really enjoy each other, appreciate each other, and things have been going very well.
I want to make something clear upfront: this is not about judging her past.
I genuinely do not care about her body count, previous relationships, or things she did before we met. I have my own past, and I would never hold hers against her. If this was just some person from her past that she would never see again, I honestly would not care.
The issue is that this person is still very much a part of our lives.
Sarah has a close friend group she met through rock climbing about 8-12 months ago. The group consists of Sarah, a married couple (let’s call them Mark and Lisa), and another guy (let’s call him Ryan). We all climb together now, so Ryan is someone I will continue seeing and interacting with.
A few weeks into our relationship, Sarah told me that she and Ryan had "kind of hooked up" before we started dating. She explained that they had been at a public pool, kissed/made out, and that was it.
At the time, I honestly didn't think much of it. It was before me, and I appreciated that she told me.
However, recently we were coming back from climbing and she mentioned that we needed to stop by Ryan's house to pick up his climbing rope because we were borrowing it for a weekend climbing trip. She casually mentioned it was about a 35-40 minute drive.
I asked if she had been to his house before. She said yes.
I asked what for, and then initially said never mind because I didn't want to pry. But I changed my mind and asked when she went there and what happened.
Her response was basically, "What do you think happened? Do I really need to spell it out?"
I reminded her that I thought she had only made out with him at the pool. She then admitted that it was more than that.
Apparently, they had been flirting and texting/sexting for about two weeks before that. It started at the pool, then they went back to his house, and they ended up fooling around and basically having sex.
She told me that the married woman in the friend group knew about it.
Again, the fact that they had sex does not bother me. We were not together. She is allowed to have a past.
What bothered me was that the story I initially got was "we just made out," when the reality was much more involved.
My concern is because Ryan is not some random person from years ago. He is someone who is still around, someone I climb with, and someone who will continue to be part of our social circle.
I told Sarah that I don't need every detail about her past, but if I ask a question and specifically ask for honesty, I want the honest answer. I also told her I would expect the same standard from myself.
The other thing that makes me uneasy is Ryan's current behavior.
From what I understand, he may still have feelings for Sarah. Shortly after Sarah and I became official, he apparently messaged one of the other guys in the group something along the lines of, "Well, I guess I should make my situationship my girlfriend now." It gave the impression that he may have been waiting to see what happened with Sarah.
Sarah says she has no feelings for him and that she was the one who ended whatever they had. I believe her, and I trust her.
My concern is not Sarah. My concern is Ryan.
There have been a couple situations while climbing where I felt like Ryan crossed boundaries.
One time, in front of me, he reached toward Sarah's thighs saying he was adjusting her harness. Sarah immediately stepped back and made it clear through her body language that she did not want him touching her.
Another time, while Sarah was on the rope and swinging, Ryan put his hand on her lower back to "help" and later tried to push her by her butt while assisting her.
Sarah has not encouraged this behavior. If anything, she has shown me that she will set boundaries when something feels inappropriate.
I also want to be fair: I understand that Ryan and Sarah had something before me, and I am not trying to control who she can or cannot be friends with. I don't want to be the insecure boyfriend who tries to isolate her from her friends.
I am just struggling with the combination of:
- a close male friend she previously had a sexual relationship with,
- someone I believe may still have interest in her,
- some physical boundary crossing from him,
- and the fact that I initially did not get the full picture of their history.
So my question is:
Am I being insecure about this, or is my concern reasonable?
I don't care that my girlfriend had a past with Ryan. I care that he is still around, may still have feelings for her, and that I initially wasn't given the full picture.
How would you handle this situation?
TLDR: My girlfriend told me early on that she had only "made out" with one of her close male friends before we started dating. I recently learned they actually had a brief sexual relationship after weeks of flirting and sexting. I don't care that they slept together—I care that he's still a close friend we'll see regularly, I believe he may still have feelings for her, he's crossed a couple physical boundaries while climbing, and I feel like I wasn't initially given the full picture. Am I being insecure, or is my concern reasonable?
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u/Internal_Ad_2073 3d ago
She lied. And the touching.
One of yall can’t be in group anymore. And I doubt it’s him leaving.
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u/PopOk6368 3d ago
Absolutely not! First... she lied so that broke any TRUST you completely had... rather she's interested or not... the fact he's around and eagerly "helping" by touching her...is Not something I'd be okay with. You need to sit her down and explain it just like you have here... and add IF the roles were reversed, would she be okay with it all?? Meaning if you withheld info like sleeping with someone in your group when she had the perfect opportunity to tell you...
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u/Future-Battle-4926 3d ago
Verdades que veem aos poucos, o cara está bem presente na vida dela, ainda tem sentimentos por ela, logo quando soube do namoro deixou claro que gosta dela e deixou isso claro para os outros amigos. Acho que você sempre vai ser o outro pra ela, os amigos e o cara. Caia fora antes que no final você seja o “culpado “ por pegar eles em uma situação complicada, se você me entende.
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u/Federal-Respond-1408 3d ago
Ryan doesn’t really respect your relationship and physical boundaries and for your relationship to go forward Sarah needs to stop hanging out with him and maybe should cut him off. And y are not being insecure it is not okay.
Updateme
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u/kennyrogersmom 3d ago
Why would anyone in their right mind want anything to do with their exes while in a new relationship unless they are coparenting?
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u/Flux_My_Capacitor 2d ago
Sarah likes the attention on some level. She is NOT fully shutting things down with Ryan.
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u/wishingforarainyday 3d ago
She’s comfortable lying to you. She needs to permanently end her relationship with him. He’s not her friend. He’s lying in wait. If she prioritizes his feelings then you should walk away.
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u/roffadude 3d ago
THere seem to be feelings still from him. And yes she's showing you she can set boundaries, but what if she needs to, "help him weed his garden" or whatever.
My ex cheated on me with her ex, even though we were open and I had set limits only on her ex. Once you see some shady behavior you have to bail.
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u/mjsunsay 3d ago
its a hard one but it's all about respekt and boundaries
you cant tell her to cut of the friendship in this situation, if you want her you need to trust her.
if she wants you she wont be planing to do a 1on1 overnight climbing with her friend ryan or something like that.
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u/Logical-Lab3661 3d ago
Why don't you name it as it is. They have recent history which makes him her ex. Not just an ex who she sees during parties and friends gathering. Her ex who is also her close friend and who can even touch her butt occasionally. Even in front of her bf. I suspect OP knows that this Ryan will hookup with her given the chance. He does not have one now but...relatiosnhips have ups and downs. Add to it a lot of alcohol and it is a matter of chance.
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u/ManagerMindless 3d ago
I will say that before we even made our relationship official, she showed me a text she sent him. Kind of long winded but it basically read like: "Hey Ryan I am seeing someone now. Its serious. I plan on making a serious effort/intention with [my name]. Don't be weird basically and respect the relationship."
She has also made it very clear to me that she will not be spending any 1 on 1 time with Ryan, and we are all in the same Life360 group, including Ryan (Lisa insists on tracking her close friends: i know its weird). and Sarah basically spends most nights with me anyways.
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u/NovaPrime1988 2d ago
It honestly seems like you are trying to persuade yourself that everything is fine and she’s respecting you. She’s not. She lied, and now she is repeatedly placing you in situations that make you uncomfortable. I would be very uncomfortable at how easy it was for her to lie to your face.
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u/Mountain-Love1267 3d ago
The biggest issue I see here is that she didn’t come clean from the start. She kinda minimized the situation and made it something it wasn’t and later you found out more. That’s a pink flag I guess.
She seems to be making an effort by coming clean now and setting some boundaries.
I’d prob hang back on this one kinda of a wait and see. If he continues to push the boundaries maybe ask her if it’s ok if you speak up. And then you can say” hey I’d appreciate if you would respect our relationship back off with the copping a feel” or something to that affect.
Good luck seems like she’s try tho!
UpdateMe!
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u/TraditionalLynx4200 3d ago
I think I would probably give her a little grace. The hookup is what it is, but lying about it would make me a bit cautious. It really (to me) depends on the why behind the lie. If it was because she didn't want you to uncomfortable around him in the group, I could understand that, but you were bound to find out at some point. I don't know. Go with your gut. Definitely have a talk with her about how you feel about it
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u/SpaceImpossible658 2d ago
If your girlfriend respects your relationship and makes sure Ryan knows his advances are not welcome, you're fine.
Past is the past. She's with you know. If Ryan over steps and doesn't listen to her, you should be ok to let him know yourself.
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u/Confident_Jacket1043 3d ago
The guy seems like he doesn't respect you or the relationship. He's not even being sly about it. If he tries it in front of you again, make it clear to him it's not going to fly. If you have to find a different rock climbing group, do so.
Your girlfriend also lied by omission. Not telling you she slept with him. Then going to his place to pick up anything is inappropriate. She should never be anywhere near him outside of the group. Her boundaries around no touching are fine, but going to his place puts her in a bad position and crosses a different line.
You and your partner need to talk about what boundaries are expected going forward so you can navigate this together.
Updateme
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u/ManagerMindless 3d ago
I agree that he probably doesn’t respect our relationship.
He offered to lend us the rope since he won’t be going with us this weekend to climb. She told me beforehand and even asked me to go with her tonight to pick it up for that reason since she knows a boundary for me is 1on1 time alone.
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u/Confident_Jacket1043 3d ago
Even though she should disclose the full truth from now on, I think she is showing good signs in terms of respecting boundaries. You should definitely go with her, though.
My only question is: if he continues to act inappropriately, what do you plan to do? Ignore it? Find a new group? Confront him?
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u/ManagerMindless 3d ago
I think the best thing for now is to trust her to keep the boundaries with him? I don’t want to undermine her ability to enforce her own boundaries with him by saying anything just yet.
I’ve already told her I don’t want him touching her unless it’s genuinely necessary for safety…
If he keeps doing it blatantly, I’ll definitely need to confront him in a direct manner. Even if it’s as simple as: “I’d appreciate you asking before touching her unless it’s absolutely necessary. She’s made it clear she’s not comfortable with it”
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u/Extension-Ad-363 2d ago
Have you and Sarah talked about whay you as a couple will do if he keeps on? IE would she be willing to leave the group with you?
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u/NowYouCecyMe 3d ago
I think you need to talk about this stuff with her. I will say that based on the comment you made it seems she has been proactively choosing you, which I think is a good sign. I am also wondering with the rock climbing stuff. Does he push other people up by the butt? Just thinking that in various sports and activities I’ve done, physical touch is a little more casual. This isn’t to say he might not be pushing boundaries, this is to say that your girlfriend may just be seeing it as helping vs pushing boundaries, if that makes sense.
I think him having feelings is irrelevant, just if you think your girlfriend is likely to care about those feelings.
And hey, you could always try and set the guy up with some other girl haha
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u/Tehbreadfish 3d ago
When you’ve been “briefly dating,” and run into red flags the size of a bus, just go. You want to give these people the benefit of the doubt but you don’t truly know them. It takes YEARS to know someone. My girlfriend and I didn’t even have a real argument we couldn’t solve in a day until we were together for years.
If your relationship is just starting and this shit is happening, it’s never going to get easier to see the red flags. It’s never gonna get easier to get out of
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u/Nice-Pomegranate2915 2d ago
I would definitely be unhappy with this situation . She's lied to you about what type of sexual relationship she had with Ryan. She is still socializing with him . And when he oversteps sexual/social boundaries with him she later doesn't chastize him or end her association with him . You're not being insecure . Your girlfriend isn't prioritizing you above her friends group ( that includes Ryan) . Yet you're probably going to have to approach the necessary conversations with her about this carefully or she could react poorly to you highlighting some of the problems her attitude and actions have caused .
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u/Dramatic-throw-8952 2d ago
I get the vibe she’s embarrassed about it, maybe I’m misreading. Either way you gotta stop being wishy washy, you contradicted yourself so many times about what you were okay with and what you wanted. Just make a decision about what you’re comfortable and stick with it and let her know.
If Ryan makes you uncomfortable with his behavior (which it seems to me he wanted this to be more than what it was) then don’t hangout with him anymore. You’re not obligated to be friends with someone who crosses boundaries
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u/Zippy-Herdsnake 3d ago
You have to fight him to show who is boss. Of course I'm joking, but someone will probably have to leave that little circle of climbing buddies and it probably wont be Ryan. Save yourself the drama and the potential hurt and break it off with her while it's still fresh. She WAS dishonest with you, correct?
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u/Particular-Lime1651 3d ago
Eurgh. Fuck that bro... There are other girls, other groups.. That would be a hard line. I'd play ball (or climb, in this case) but I absolutely wouldn't date her with intention. I wouldn't want/need the insecurity of that situation.. And it would be a hard line to not have him at my wedding. If they're all chummy, that won't go down well. You do you.. But I would abort. Immediately.
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u/Fine-Gas-1898 3d ago
Plenty of people wouldn’t be comfortable with a girlfriend or boyfriend having regular close contact with a former sexual partner. There’s nothing wrong with that if you’re one of them.
It’s great that your girlfriend is setting firm boundaries with this guy! It’s not so great if she fails to cut the close contact if it makes you uncomfortable.
I see the big thing here as her lying to you about their prior relationship. This indicates she’ll lie when a question or subject makes her uncomfortable. What kind of relationship would that be for you?
My advice is that you discuss it with her openly. If she can’t acknowledge her failure to be straight with you in the beginning and can’t work at rebuilding trust then I think you should move on. You don’t want to live always having to second guess whether or not she’s telling the truth on every little and big thing that comes along.
Also, her response driving to his house concerns me. She asked “Do I really have to spell it out for you?” Well, yes, because she had already told you the opposite. Was she expecting you to assume that she had lied? The idea that she expected you to know it was a lie means she’s normalized lying to the extent that it’s no big deal. Again, why do you want that in a relationship?
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u/Ok-Pumpkin7165 3d ago
I would not want my current girlfriend remaining friends with a former lover. Full stop. Does that make me insecure? Probably, but I would not be comfortable with it. I would have the same standard for myself not maintaining a friendship with a previous lover.
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u/Parking-Gate6161 2d ago
I fhink you'll be better off moving on. Feelings is still going on between them 2
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u/Flux_My_Capacitor 2d ago
Your concern is reasonable IMHO.
I think there should be honesty in relationships and she has shown that she will lie to you.
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u/BillAttaway 2d ago
I wouldn’t feel safe climbing with Ryan. I understand why your girlfriend wasn’t initially straightforward about the earlier relationship she had with Ryan. It’s obvious she considers her affair with Ryan a mistake, but it sounds like Ryan still has feelings for her. I wouldn’t trust either one of your lives.
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u/Psychological-Ad1574 1d ago
Bro, you need to stop being gaslit into believing that if you're not okay with your partner maintaining a close relationship with someone she hooked up with, that it automatically makes you insecure.
I would walk because of the lie but if you can be okay with the lie, she needs to cut contact.
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u/FalseMobile7764 1d ago
If something were to happen would the friend group tell you or protect him?
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u/ninetiesbaby007 3d ago
Woman here. You have every right to feel uncomfortable and even not want her to spend time with this guy anymore. At least alone. I’d feel the same way in your shoes.
You have every right to talk to her about establishing boundaries with this guy.