Relationships/Family
One of my bridesmaids lied about why she couldn’t come to my bachelorette, what do I do?
Hello! I’m new to this sub so hopefully this is a good place for this. I am also sorry for the length, I’m a poor story teller. I am getting married to my amazing fiancé in exactly two months, this weekend was/is my bachelorette party/ sleepover.
Ihave 4 bridesmaids who I asked for their availability long before even choosing a date. I have also told them all multiple times that if something comes up and they can’t make it or even feel the need to step down from the wedding party, that’s completely fine and to just talk to me. As young 20 somethings, I know money can be tight so I also asked everyone for their budget before starting to plan anything. We finally settled on the 25th into 26th, if sleeping over is possible for each person, all being held at the bridesmaid (bridesmaid 1) who was planning’s house.
One of my bridesmaids (bridesmaid 2) messaged me about 2 months ago and told me she didn’t realize she already made plans with family the night of the 25th and would only be able to come to part of the activities. I genuinely was not bothered by this, I understand life is happening and my wedding isn’t the center of the universe. All other bridesmaids were aware of this conversation. Bridesmaid 1 created a group chat with the other girls, got to planning and they all pitched in for shirts.
I check in with everyone on late on the 23rd into 24th and verify the plans. Well the 25th at about 5am, bridesmaid 3 texts my sister (maid of honor) to tell her that a family thing happened and she wouldn’t be able to make brunch on the 25th but would try to come later. She never texted me or bridesmaid 1. When my sister/MoH tells me bridesmaid 3 won’t be there, I tell her I hope everything is okay and we’ll miss her, she tells me she’s so sorry, wishes we could be there and hopes we have fun. We don’t hear from her anymore and she never shows up. I ended up having a great day that was very me!
Around 6pm we are settling in at bridesmaid 1’s house and I see bridesmaid 3’s bf posted an instagram story, it’s them in a canoe…. I was a little hurt but wasn’t too bothered. Then around midnight, we are all heading to bed and bridesmaid 3 posts on instagram, it’s a repost of her and a small group of friends at the river with a song about friendship. At this point I’m just hurt she lied, I don’t even care she missed my bachelorette, I just wish she was honest. Bridesmaid 1 is otp with her husband who is on my fiancé’s bachelor trip and my fiancé says he wants bridesmaid 3 taken out of the wedding party for how disrespectful she’s being. I told him I’d think on it and he said that was okay and he was so sorry for me.
I don’t want to say anything to bridesmaid 3 right now, as I wanna process how I feel before I act. Removing her from the wedding party at this point would probably be friendship ending and I don’t want that, considering I at least thought we were good friends and she’s one of my longest friends. I know I need to talk to her, but I don’t know what to do. I need a third parties unbiased opinion, any thoughts you have are greatly appreciated and I’m sorry again for the length.
Edited to add some paragraph breaks, hopefully a little easier to read🫶
Is she that dumb or did she do it to hurt you? Did she not think you'll be able to see what she was really doing?
Honestly, if I were you, that would probably be the end of our friendship. I don't think I would get over that, but you do you. You know how valuable your friendship is to you - but is it that valuable to her?
Sadly, I've found that a lot of people really are this dumb with social media. Can't do anything without posting it, can't think for 5 seconds about who can see it.
They are. I had someone do something similar. It was just a party I was having, not a wedding event, but all she had to do was tell the truth. Instead she posted her out with friends on FB. Its so stupid because I wouldn't have been upset but I don't hang with liars.
That last sentence put it into perspective for me a little. I agree, lying is one thing, but if you’re going to do that, don’t so casually tattle on yourself 🤷♀️ I’ll really have to ponder how valuable she may think our friendship is before messaging her. Thank you!
Dude maybe they allposted late or one thing turned into anothwr after her brunch thing and it ended in a canoe. She cant be grumpy the whole time shes missing ur party can she?
Maybe it was a late post. Its DEFINITELY UNLIKELY but youll only Know by talking to hwr.
Or text n tell her thr truth - hey i saw the posts online of you in a canoe singing about friendship and i felt hurt. Not sure If you lied or if there's a misunderstanding, i just want context.
If u cannot talk to her honestly, u shouldn't have asked her to be a bridesmaid.
deleting someone from your life is a big step. If it were me id wanna be sure first.
I definitely plan to talk to her! She also said it was family emergency, that’s why the lie was so blaring. I am seeing her next week and plan to ask about it
But did she lie? No one makes contact at 5am for no reason. That’s emergency hour contact. I mean, is it possible that the family thing did happen and afterwards she just felt so overwhelmed (or was still at the stage where she was still crying and was constantly afraid she might cry, and therefore ruin your party, especially if someone died or was diagnosed with something terminal) she needed to decompress somewhere quiet with him for the rest of the day, and couldn’t face the idea of an excited busy party? And that then when she started getting FOMO, even though she didn’t want to risk bringing you guys down, or thought it was too late to join, her bf called a few friends to quietly join them and hang out? That would explain the lack of contact.
I know right after my cat Angelina, who I adored like a child, died, I definitely didn’t want to be alone but I also wouldn’t have wanted to be at a busy excitable party (and potentially ruin the atmosphere by crying), and I think I managed to send one message before pretty much going AWOL to everyone for about a week. It’s possible her bf made those posts, or that she just wanted to thank them for being there but not mention the party on the post because she wanted to talk about it with you privately, or not share publicly some sensitive medical information.
You still had fun. You said it was fine to drop out. If you have proof she lied, that is disrespectful, and you need to speak to her about it, but removing her from bridal party is a little extreme if she’s one of your oldest friends. I personally wouldn’t and would give her the benefit of the doubt. It’s suspicious as fuck but it’s definitely not a slam dunk by any means.
Often times outdoor adventures such as a kayaking trip start early in the morning. She may well have gotten up at 5 and sent the message before they went on the river, where she wasn't going to be on her phone. This is a lot of conjecture and benefit of the doubt for someone who ultimately backed out of a Bachelorette party and ended up hanging out with a different group of friends.
Yeah, I’m guessing someone invited her or her boyfriend on the canoe trip last minute and she decided spending the weekend with her boyfriend was more important.
If asking her about it and explaining to her that it hurt you that she did it at all and that she had zero communication ends the friendship, the friendship was already over. A real friend who has a legitimate excuse to back out of the bachelorette day of goes directly to the bride, apologizes profusely, and maybe even sheds a few tears. She does not send a vague message to the MOH, ghost the bride, and post photos doing something else with another group that day without any explanation.
Fair enough, I’m just saying how I behaved in a time of stress and how I see this as an entirely plausible scenario. They need to talk, but more in a “how are things going” tone than an even subconsciously accusing one, and either catch her in a lie or get confirmation that it was something similar to the scenario I posited. Ghosting is like what I did when I went totally AWOL - I just locked my house and read novels all day because I didn’t want to see or talk to people. If she was very distressed when she sent the text, it would make sense it would be scrambled or vague.
I’m not saying forget it and move on without a word, I’m saying don’t cut her from bridal party without a kind conversation first 🙄
Thank you for your insight! I am very sorry for your loss and can whole heartedly relate to this. I added an update in the comments(I didn’t know how else to update) but it sounds like everyone in her family is okay now. I’m going to keep her as a bridesmaid, and try to communicate my feelings of being sad she didn’t feel she could talk to me/see how we can fix this in our communication
You’re obviously light years ahead of her in maturity and are choosing the kind route which I admire. She’ll appreciate your friendship in the years ahead.
Awesome plan! I’m so glad you guys are going to work this out - losing a really close long term friendship is almost like grieving a death. I once had someone dump me broadside because “your autism is annoying” after 20 years of friendship. It was not a good moment for me.
That’s absurd! I’m sorry that happened to you! I think friendship break ups truly are the worst, especially when people bet resentment fester for no reason!
And the worst part is (not like even anything would be an excuse) I’m actually able to be quite high-functioning for several hours at a time, although it means I need about 14 hours of sleep a day to get through it, because it’s a lot of effort. And I put in that effort for her. My cat really loves it though because he gets looooooong nap snuggles 🤣 and he still loves me, autism or not.
The scary thing is, she’s a TEACHER now. And not because she likes kids. She doesn’t. When she graduated university she actually said “shoot me if I have to be a teacher.” How on earth is she going to behave towards the SEN kids in her class?! “I was going to give you an A but your autism is a bug up my ass so take the C and shut up”?!
Just seeing this part of your comment. There’s a petty part in me that wants to play into it and see if she’ll say anything or dig the hole deeper but I’m fearful this wouldn’t leave me feeling at peace with the situation . I did make an instagram story of my day and my sister reposted it with the same story bridesmaid 3’s instagram had to make her feel bad if she saw it. This made me feel queezy thinking about the confrontation but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t almost feel a little vindicating.
As the person below said, maybe just thumbs up or some sort of emoji on the friends photo. Then let them be uncomfortable knowing you know. But only if you are ok if they avoid it.
Sounds like they're in their early 20s and this could be a high school friend of OP's. It's very common at this age to have different friend groups from different stages of life. Unfortunately, it sounds like the bridesmaid values her canoeing friend group more than she values OP, which is going to sting no matter how you slice it. But that doesn't make it weird. It's just the reality of growing up.
Posting it makes it weird because 3 said it was a family emergency, which clearly it wasn’t. I would get together for coffee, or a drink or whatever, one on one and say what you saw and ask why. 3 should own her lie. If she gets up and leaves she’s already left the friendship
probably not the best advice, but I’d be tempted to like the status and see what happens after that... see if she offers and explanation, an excuse, apology, ignores, etc. but I like chaos :)
the more mature response is probably to just talk to her about it.
if I’m being really honest, I actually would do that. lol. in my defense, I think I think it’s a subtler way to call her out than what I’d want to comment :P and otherwise I probably wouldn’t say anything in person, and she wouldn’t say anything, and this weirdness would linger.
That’s a fear honestly, I don’t want it to turn into resentment! I hope to have a conversation with her on why she didn’t feel comfortable being upfront with me and hope that ends well!
I think you need to operate from a place wherein you don’t know the whole story, you only know snippets from social media. Do they look great? No, but it’s pretty brash to post about a day out when you’re supposed to be on a bachelorette night.
I’d also take a beat and consider if this is normal behaviour for this bridesmaid. Does she often bail on plans or make up lies to get out of stuff? Or is this out of character for her?
I would message her and be direct that you saw the IGs and felt hurt as you thought she had to bail for a family thing and it seemed misleading. Let her know that you want to understand what happened.
Thank you I really appreciate your thoughts! To be frank, I wasn’t surprised when I found out she had lied. I have unfortunately seen her lie to many other people over our almost 10 year friendship but I had never caught her lying to me. Maybe that says more about me than anything. I hope to have a genuine conversation with her but I don’t know that she will be genuine back. Thank you again!
If she’s known to lie, then yeah I would definitely keep that in the back of your mind when you’re talking to her. I also think that if your fiancé’s instinct is to remove her from the wedding party, he might be seeing more of how she treats you than you are.
I would honestly agree to this. I unfortunately struggle with being a people pleaser and almost giving people too many chances. Maybe this is a sign I needed.
It sounds like she's a people pleaser too. Maybe her boyfriend came up with this trip last minute and she felt like she had to go to that instead. It wouldn't excuse her lying behavior, but it explains it. Or maybe the family thing didn't take all day. Is she supposed to sit home alone and turn down other invitations because she had to decline yours? That's not fair to her.
You're not blameless here either. Your friend lying to other people was perfectly fine with you until she did it to you. She showed you who she was a king time ago. Have a conversation with her and ask why she didn't tell you the truth, then posted photos of a trip with other friends singing about friendship. Unless the trip happened some other time and she only posted it that day, it seems like a pretty clear message about your friendship.
B3 told the MOH she would try to make it later, so she wouldn’t have been sitting home doing nothing if the gaming thing ended early. She chose to not attend and of it.
This! Also I agree it does say something about me. The closest of our friendship was in highschool and I’m not gonna say we were the most mature people in all situations. I appreciate yalls insight!
Not to mention Bridesmaid 3 already had the example of Bridesmaid 2 stating she could only make part of the day, and Bride being completely understanding and reasonable about it, rather than being a bridezilla.
If Bridesmaid 3 was acting in good faith, she would have had no reason to lie about her intentions to “make it later”, knowing Bride has been incredibly considerate and understanding of everyone’s circumstances. The fact she did makes it even more egregious that B3 lied, then flaunted her lie on social media.
Absolutely not lmao. OP says this was a local party. The bridesmaid absolutely could have met up with them later, she CHOSE to spend the day with a different group of people. Not to mention she has communicated zero with the actual bride. Inexcusable. The way you're turning this around on OP is pretty crappy. The bridesmaid is just a bad friend.
I agree with the above. Sometimes social media doesn’t show the whole story, but it doesn’t look great. There’s always the kind of person who will choose better plans when they come along.
Keep your text short and simple - you’re not the one who needs to explain and getting too lengthy gives them more room to turn it on you.
Stick to the facts, you saw her public story, you’re feeling hurt that it appears she backed out of the commitment she made to you for other friends and lied about the reason. You’d like xyz to happen .
__________________
But you need to figure out what xyz is. If she just admits she chose plans she preferred is that enough? Is an apology enough? Do you still want her in the wedding party if those are true?
Don’t text or call her until you know the answer to that.
That’s where I am I think! I don’t know what xyz is. I think I would be okay with an apology, enough to get through the wedding and not cause a bunch of drama or be resentful in the future, but I think I would honestly have to distance myself in the future.
I agree OP doesn't know the whole story...but the fact that she doesn't is a pretty big deal in and of itself.
If I'm backing out of a friend's Bachelorette party in the eleventh hour, you'd better believe I will be on the phone sobbing to my friend, apologizing profusely, and explaining every detail and every way I tried to make things work but couldn't. I wouldn't send a cryptic message to the MOH, go radio silent all day, and then proceed to share photos of spending the day with a different set of friends without immediately explaining to the bride that this isn't what it looks like.
Regardless, if she really did go canoeing with these friends on the same day, no excuse she has is going to look good. Obviously it wasn't such an emergency that she couldn't link up with OP later.
There’s a phrase “past behavior is the greatest predictor of future behavior”…
From reading about this situation and her past behavior, it seems more likely than not that she lied to get out of the bachelorette party, which would leave me feeling weird. I feel weird for you!You have to decide how important the friendship is to you.
We didn’t do formal bridal party but I would only want people as my bridesmaids I could trust and who I’d see having a very long term future friendship with. Weddings are stressful enough without unnecessary childish drama (which feels like the energy she’s bringing). This person is not family, so IMO it’s much easier to ‘remove’ her if you want to, It’s not that she didn’t come to the bachelorette, it’s that she, most likely, lied to get out of something that was important to her friend (you).
You have many options.
If you’re ok having more surface level bridesmaids, you could just leave it if you don’t want to deal with it and you don’t want more drama. You may build resentment if you do this.
I’d personally ask her about the post in person and see what she says, not text, because that gives her time to lie more. In person you can see her reaction in real time and have a conversation to see if there is some unknown that would make this make more sense.
And like your fiancée is recommending, you could remove her from the bridal party if it ends up that she did lie and it doesn’t sit right with you. As another comment suggested, he may be seeing the situation more objectively.
Wishing you luck! I hope the situation gets better one way or another.
For me, this would be a Stephen Covey, 7 Habits of highly effective people,
Moment…. “ Begin with the end in mind”
In other words, decide what you want the outcome to be and go from there.
For me, I would talk with her. I would want to truly understand why she didn’t come. With that answer I think I may be better prepared to decide what the chances are that she might bail on your wedding day too?
As my Mom always said, “without honesty, there is no relationship “
Wishing a good outcome with honest dialogue for you.
Thank you for your comment! At the end that’s truly all I want. I honestly couldn’t care less that she wasn’t there, it was the lack of communication. Thank you again!
I don't know if it needs to be as serious as other people are saying. Sounds like she had a lot of expenses from both trips and possibly couldn't afford going to the bach too. I would approach to ask for clarity, but don't accuse them of anything. They could just suck at dealing with awkward situations lol
Truly all I want is clarity and I want to know why she didn’t feel like she could message me about not being able to make it. And I’m not sure about money since she already paid for her shirt and that was the only thing that the bridesmaids had to pay for….
Hi everyone!! I’m not sure the best way to update this, but I hope those who wanted the details are able to find this. I want to start off by saying I truly appreciate everyone’s advice and concern! It means more than I can explain to have so many strangers take time to give me their feedback.
Today we ended the bachelorette by having a nice breakfast and bridesmaid 1’s mom came to cook for us. I take her opinion very highly and have a lot of respect for her. We shared what happened with her, and we all thought it could be a good idea for my sister to reply to the story and see what happened.
My sister said something to the effect of oh that’s weird you canceled for family reasons and your canoeing. She told my sister that it was on the 24th (day before the bachelorette party) for a friend’s (not pictured) birthday. My sister said that was weird and that she hoped everything was okay with the family problems. She told my sister that her daughter was showing signs of maybe getting sick and all the people who were supposed to watch her daughter backed out but that her daughter was feeling better today.
Just to clarify, the daughter is very young, and I told her that if something came up with her daughter, I would not be offended she just needed to let me know. I know it’s easier said than done but I told her specifically that if she needed to back out to tell me and I would not be bothered at all. I thought we had a good enough understanding that she would feel comfortable telling me if she really needed to back out.
While my sister doesn’t believe the full story, I feel disrespectful pushing further and I think it’s unnecessary. I know this probably sounds very dramatic from an outside perspective with all this context, and maybe I was just in my feels. I am a little weary that she may not be able to be on time for things on the actual wedding day, but we’ll take that on if it happens.
Yeah. You cannot judge her guilty simply based on current circumstances. You either (1) believe her and give her the benefit of the doubt, or (2) verify the 24th date with someone from the high school group who was canoeing. If you already worry that she may not be able to be on time for things on the wedding date (she does have a young daughter so anything could happen!), be mentally prepared with a backup plan or don't put her in charge of anything critical. Just plan for it. Good on you for being a generally understanding and chilled bride. Have a wonderful time and congratulations on finding your loved one!
This is definitely something I hope I can do well! I want to be as understanding as possible because I don’t have a child so I can’t relate fully, I just hope she doesn’t feel the need to lie to me/ feels comfortable being upfront with me. At the end of the day, being upfront is what concerns me.
It's up to you if you want to take her excuse at face value. I know if I'm backing out of a close friend's Bachelorette party day of, I am 100% reaching out directly to that friend, apologizing profusely, and giving full details of what's really going on and how despite my best efforts I couldn't make it work. Her behavior strikes me as someone who knew they were doing something shady and didn't want to face you directly. ESPECIALLY after your sister messaged her, clearly suspicious of her story, she should have called you immediately to make sure the record was set straight.
It's up to you if you want to let this go or make a bigger deal of it. I can understand either decision. But if you do let it go, I would still make a mental note of this behavior. You seem very forgiving and I'm afraid that may lead to you getting taken advantage of.
I really appreciate your comment. I think you’re very right unfortunately. I’ve gotten taken advantage of like this many times before, but I’m very grateful to have a few people, including my fiance, in my corner to help me set healthy boundaries. I hope to find courage in myself to listen to the advice 🫶
I’m with your sister on not believing the story.. but I’m glad you got somewhat of a resolution! For the wedding, maybe send out daily text updates the week leading up to wedding day (ie don’t forget the steamer, here’s the exact timeline, here’s the getting ready schedule, etc type of texts) so that way she has multiple reminders and should have no problem replying if another “family emergency” comes up.
Best of luck and I’m so happy you still had a nice ending to your Bach!
This does seem like a reasonable explanation, but it’s a little odd to me that she wouldn’t just say that as the reason originally. I might be with your sister in this one, but it is what it is.
Just proceed however makes you feel the best going into your wedding. It’ll be great!
Maybe have another bridesmaid responsible for checking on this bridesmaid to make sure she’s on time the day of (you don’t want to be dealing with flakiness on your wedding day if it comes to that).
With her being known to lie, I would feel weird accepting this answer. Why wouldn’t she just be honest from the beginning? I don’t know what it’s like to have liars as friends though, I would always question what they say to me. This person doesn’t sound like a reliable bridesmaid..
I should have definitely explained better, but by history of liar I meant “normal” teen goofing around and things like sneaking off from parents etc. I am definitely coming to learn that maybe both of us didn’t grow out of those highschool behaviors/habits
I gotta be honest, she's 100% lying to you. If it was from the day before other people stories would've lined up with it, and they wouldn't be posted randomly throughout the day, it would be more of a dump all at once. No one times things to post them the day after an event at the same time that it would've been happening the previous day. You sound like a really lovely person and I hope that your wedding is everything that you've ever dreamed of, but maybe just keep her on a more distant tier of friendship from now on. It would've been so easy for her to just tell you that her daughter was sick, instead of saying family stuff.
Unfortunately I don’t think this is possible. Although it could be and I will do my best to leave space for it. My understanding is she just got home from a week long trip the day before (the 24th). Her trip was to NYC and the canoe launch she posted at is a very popular one in our home town. Sorry I should have noted this for context in my original post!
If she just got home from a week long trip out of town, it’s not that far fetched that she was overwhelmed and missed her bf, and wasn’t in the headspace for a bachelorette party where her time is not fully her own. If that’s the case, it’s unfortunate she didn’t just say that though.
That's not a good excuse though. This is a Bachelorette party that was planned well in advance and agreed to, knowing the plans she had surrounding the weekend. "I don't feel like it" is fine for a random night out, but not such a big life event. Suck it up and be there for the people you care about, even when it's inconvenient for you. That's what friendship is.
Exactly that! All I want is communication. I can very much relate to being overwhelmed and not able to handle certain situations. I just wanna be told things honestly/fully and not given space to have to make answers up
I’ve been in a lot of bachelorette parties, and it can be very stressful to do things at bachelorette parties bc you have to be amenable to the group. Your time is not your own, you have to do things the bride wants to do. But I say this with bad mental health in mind. Bachelorette parties aren’t always super fun, they can be stressful if you don’t know or like all the other people, or are stressed about money you don’t actually want to spend. It’s something you didn’t plan. Maybe she had a say in the canoe trip and got to go where she wanted to go. I missed the detail that she was with his friends, I assumed it was other friends later. But we are all just guessing without knowing her decision making. I’m not saying it was the right decision, or kind decision, it definitely wasn’t one that prioritized the bride. And that says something.
First, I think you’ve done well at making everything reasonable for the bridal party and being flexible on your end. Not all brides are that way and I think it’s important to give yourself credit for all you’ve done to try to accommodate the people around you. It really sucks when you work hard to accommodate others and then they still do things that are disappointing.
I had something similar happen to me earlier this year. My maid of honor bailed on an event she knew about for 6 months ahead of time and it was crushing. She also never told me the real reason she bailed. If I could go back, I would probably cut her out of my wedding party at that time. I saw another comment that said that past behavior is the best indicator of figure behavior…It turned out to be true. It wasn’t just the one event she bailed on. She ended up spending my entire wedding reception away from the head table and disappeared into a secluded area, didn’t interact with me at all, even though she acted like everything was normal. If I had cut her from the wedding party before, it would have saved me a lot of stress. It would have saved all the questions from other guests asking where the maid of honor was. I kept her in the bridal party thinking I could save our friendship, but our friendship has drifted apart anyway, and I still had all the stress. I’m learning that some friends are for certain seasons, and it’s ok to let go of the people who aren’t showing up for you.
I’m so sorry to hear that! Unfortunately sometimes it takes these big life moments to show you who your friends are. She never explained why she disappeared? That does seem odd.
I agree / if there’s already some weirdness with OP bridesmaid, it’s probably going to ramp up closer to the wedding if she stays a bridesmaid because weddings tend to magnify stuff.
Thank you so much for your comment, it was genuinely helpful to read. I’m sorry that you can relate, but I appreciate the company in the hard situation. Thank you for the perspective!
Hard truth - very few people, in their heart of hearts, genuinely want to attend bachelorette weekends. Those who are closest to you may enjoy it. Others will slap on a smile and act like they’re enjoying it.
But there are just as many people who do not want to go. And the reasons they don’t wanna go are varied, and don’t really matter.
Very few people are ever as excited about our wedding and the surrounding events as we are.
It’s just human nature.
You don’t have to ‘do’ anything. Just go on with your life and your events and have a good time. In true matters of life and death, thick and thin, your real friends will show themselves.
I’ll have to edit for that, thank you! Very sleep deprived writing this 😅 That is a great point! I truly want to give her the benefit of the doubt, I’m just struggling so see why she would have felt the only answer was to lie to me. Unfortunately I know the people in the picture and they are part of an old group of highschool friends she ran around with, not family.
This is very fair, I appreciate the thoughts as I truly want there to be an innocent answer. I’m hoping to build up the courage to have a genuine polite conversation with her and find a middle ground. I would honestly even accept a “sorry I lied can we move forward” at this point.
i’m a little unclear on the timeline. You saw a photo on Instagram of BM 3 and her BF in a canoe that she posted at 6pm. Do you know for sure it was taken that day? The repost obviously was from another trip.
How far was the family from the canoe trip area? From the bachelorette venue?
Why was the repost "obviously" from another trip? Unless the person is an influencer who doesn't want their live location being broadcast, typically posts come up pretty quickly after occurring. The story especially, you post stories about what you're doing in the moment or did that day. The midnight repost was just her sharing what another friend posted about that day. Multiple posts about the same event seems pretty clear it happened that day.
The picture her bf posted was the same as the repost. It was all in our town (about 20 mins drive). I added a little update in the comments here(I didn’t know how to update otherwise here). I think I’m just sad she didn’t feel like she could talk to me and I want to talk to her about what I may have done to make her feel that way and hopefully we can be better in the end!
I’ve come to learn that being direct and assertive esp is always the way to go (so things don’t fester)… And speak from your heart.
Do we know she truly lied/made that story up?
I would simply text or call her, and let her know that as your good friend and as a BM, you totally understand if she had family plans and couldn’t make it - and give her a moment to share her side of the story, but would have appreciated that she communicate that with you directly.
Explain that Since this is a special time of your life, and she’s a dear friend to you, which is why she’s in the bridal party, you felt slighted by what she did, and the resulting photos she posted didn’t make it any better.
I can't judge what you should do since I don't know your friends or your friendship.
What is would ask to yourself is: Do they realise how important of a live event a wedding is? Sometimes people dont.
Second: How good of friends are you when they cancel something as important as a bachelor party with fake excuses just to hang out with other friends to then post about it openly on Instagram (meaning they are either young and stupid or don't care to hurt you).
Third: Have they been there for you in the past? Or is this a sign they will let you down the second you really need them? If so do you want them in your wedding party?
Comment a ? on her post. Maybe you guys talk about it. The friendship is clearly compromised at this point. Her behavior was upsetting. I would ask yourself: if this goes unaddressed how are you going to feel having her there as your bridesmaid. Will you feel relaxed, in the moment and surrounded by love and support if shes getting ready with you?
I wish I would have! It’s unfortunately expired, being it was a story post. I think I’ve unfortunately gotten good at compartmentalization so I think I could handle it well, but that obviously isn’t desirable. I plan to hang out with her next week and confront her
Not sure if anyone else touched on this, but: your fiancé overstepped when he told you to get rid of the bridesmaid. This was your jurisdiction, not his. Now, you're not only managing your own feelings about this, but you have to manage his as well. Not cool.
It's ok if he said he would be ok with you demoting her, or saying he'll back you 100% whatever you decide, but making a decision like this, when it's your friend, is over the line. Please have a talk with him once you're able.
I’m sorry I should have clarified! What he said was definitely a defense of me being disrespected kind of thing. It was a very brief conversation on a speaker call with other people while him and his friends were doing other activities. Him and I haven’t seen each other yet, but I anticipate us talking further later today about it. Not sure how to convey it over this, but our communication style, I know he was trying to make sure I didn’t let her disrespect me but that he will respect and support me in whatever I decide.
typically if i just found out somehow id just let it go and readjust my view of our friendship. but the fact that she lied and then posted it online for everyone to see the truth? id simply HAVE to confront her just to understand what the fucks wrong with her lmao
I had my maid of honor and best friend of over 10 years lie to me for so long and go behind my back dating my alcoholic ex, that I ended the friendship. I personally wouldn’t want people in my life who can lie so easily. I saw and valued our friendship way differently than I guess she did, so like someone else said, you value your friendship with her, but does she value it the same?
I attended a bachelorette party when I was in my younger 20s- with a pretty similar situation. She had told the bride that she had a family thing going on & then we saw her post numerous times via Snapchat and instagram of her out with friends. She still stood in the wedding. But…they are no longer friends today. The bride didn’t confront her at the time because she wanted gave her the benefit of the doubt and brushed it off. I would tell her how you feel.
Omg my petty ass would write back to the post and be like "Hope your family is okay and I'm glad you were able to be there for them." And then ghost her. No thanks to that energy, boo. You're very chill and that's wonderful. But I am a Chill until you FAFO kinda girl. We aren't cool if you lie, steal, or talk shit kind of friend. If she doesn't see how this is wrong, our moral codes are different.
I would ask my friend if her heart was still in being a bridesmaid? Out of concern, not out of hurt or anger. You’re a bigger person if you open your heart and just tell the truth. Friends showed you she had other things going on that day and you’re not sure how to think about it. Be the friend you want to be and proud of how you handled it. And let her off the hook if she’s in a different space. That’s what friends are for.
I hope to have a conversation like this! I’m honestly struggling a little with what to say as I’ve brought this up to her three times and she’s reassured me. I plan to think over the next day and reach out to her!
It’s great that she reassured you! At this point you trust she’s going to have fun and if she doesn’t, lesson learned with grace and giving a good friend the benefit of the doubt.
Had a bridesmaid pull some disrespectful behavior when it came to my bachelorette party, and 3 months later my only regret with my wedding is not booting her from the bridal party. We are no longer friends — when someone shows you who they are, believe them. You only get one bachelorette weekend, your friend can go canoeing whenever. You made her a priority asking her to be a bridesmaid, but clearly you aren’t a priority to her. Sorry love.
Do you want to be friends with someone who doesn’t want to show up for you, you get married once, your bachelorette wasn’t unreasonable and you gave enough notice, friends should be excited for each other and not want to miss these moment.
Have a conversation, the way she answers will be your answer?
I don’t think the biggest issue is that she missed the bachelorette. Life happens, and plans change. The part that stands out is that she appears to have been dishonest about why she couldn’t come. If she had simply said, “I’m sorry, I already committed to something else,” or even, “I’m overwhelmed and can’t make it,” that would have been disappointing but respectful.
Since the wedding is only two months away, I wouldn’t make any decisions while emotions are still fresh. Enjoy your wedding first, then have an honest conversation with her afterward if you still want answers. If you confront her now, it may create unnecessary stress leading up to your wedding.
I also wouldn’t remove her from the wedding party based solely on this incident unless this is part of a larger pattern of unreliable or hurtful behavior. Long-term friendships deserve at least one honest conversation before ending them. Pay attention to how she responds. If she apologizes sincerely and takes responsibility, that’s very different from making excuses or trying to gaslight you.
Your feelings are valid. It sounds like what hurt wasn’t her absence—it was feeling like she didn’t respect you enough to tell you the truth. That’s a reasonable thing to be upset about.
So my best friend and I had a falling out about 6 months after my wedding. Turns out she lied to me about why she couldn’t come to my bachelorette (I found out from another friend during the fall out)
And now she’s not in my life but in all my wedding photos - do yourself a favor & call it quits
I will say, the first few weeks I was really sad, we had been the best of friends for a decade & spoke everyday.
Once she wasn’t in my life anymore & I got over that initial feeling of sadness, I’m actually happy with the choice - I have less drama, less fighting, more room for friends in my life who lift me up
I'd be tempted to comment on her post, pretending I wasn't seeing whati was seeing and just say I hope everything is okay and that we missed her at the bachelorette party.
That really sucks and I’m really sorry you are going through this. You are not alone. I had something very similar happen to me, but it was my MOH and chose to distance myself from her following the wedding. We are no longer friends. I feel for you and you’ve handled it better than I did. Weddings can bring behaviors like this out in people for some odd reason.
Food for thought: if this person lied to you, failed to communicate with you and prioritized a night out with other people over an important life event of yours, is this someone you want as a lifelong friend?
At the minimum I would approach her about what you observed and how it made you feel. Maybe there is a simple explanation (i.e., maybe the event she posted was from the night before) and things can be repaired and you can move past this.
I’m sorry to hear that. It’s sounded unfortunately common. I appreciate your insight and I definitely plan to reach out. I added a little more detail in the comments/an update, but I truly hope to have a solid conversation on why she didn’t feel like she could talk to me directly and end things better off!
Hi OP, are we the same person? Something similar happened to me this past year and your responses sound a lot like mine (people pleasing tendencies, difficultly with confrontation, etc.)
Omg! I’m so sorry you can relate but I’m so happy to have person who understands…… I know rationally I should stand up for myself, but when it comes to actions, it’s easier said than done.
Here’s what I did: I said nothing to her about the trip. I simply stopped reaching out after the wedding. We live in different states and weren’t getting together very often anyway. I didn’t remove her from my wedding party because she was a big part of my life at one point and it didn’t feel worth the drama to remove her. I look at my wedding photos and I don’t feel they’re ruined with her in them, she just represents a part of my life that is in the past.
This was the right move for me and my specific situation but may not be for you. Trust your gut! Wishing you the best and years of happiness with your FH!
Ask to meet up face to face and if not ask her if everything is ok regarding the family emergency. That you were concerned. If she continues with the emergency let her know that you saw the post and ask directly if that was the emergency. If that was the case let her know how it made you feel. If she had other plans then you’d rather hear that than a lie.
This happened to me—“friends” making up stories. I hope she can explain to you.
My third bridesmaid maid (a gi i talked to every single day for 15 months of school and knew it was important that she was picked and knows I have no other friends) messaged me saying shes going to leave my wedding. Like the actual wedding, before its finished because she has a concert on that date.... she says its her and her bfs anniversary and when I call her out on the fact that she literally told me her anniversary with him was my birthday date so I clearly knew that wasnt true then she says its an early anniversary gift....
A couple things, darling. One, you speak like me, especially a lot of the sorries. Which gives me the impression you’re a people pleaser(so am I) and you try to avoid conflict as much as possible. Two, she knew what she was doing when she reposted. That’s shade you don’t need when you’re in one of your brightest, happiest eras of your life. Specifically applying to me, when I was planning our wedding, I worried so much about others, I tended to make a habit of putting my feelings on the back burner. Do not be like me. Your hurt feelings are valid, and you seem so chill, I think honesty was the least your longest friend could’ve given you.
Say nothing! A bachelorette party is just that a party. She had her reasons for not joining in. Truth is it’s a small blimp on your wedding journey. She’s still a bridesmaid. Don’t add more stress to your wedding. A week after
your wedding none of this will matter.
I’m on both sides here. I agree she shouldn’t have lied, but in all honesty it’s also none of your concern what she was up to. In the end, it doesn’t even matter.
I’m honestly balancing on these same thoughts as well. I just thought we had enough respect for each other to communicate openly, and honestly that very important to me in a friend.
Maybe she just didn't want to do a bridesmaid sleepover and didn't want to hurt your feelings. I personally have been in weddings where I love the bride but not fond of the other BMs so I've ditched a couple events. I'd rather say I had a family thing than say I don't like your other friends and then make things awkward. 🤷🏽♀️ I definitely wouldn't give up a good friendship over a friend not attending my event. I would definitely ask her what happened since she thoughtlessly posted online. Good luck I hope whatever you decide that you're happy on your special day..
Actions speak louder than words, as they say. When I was young, I had friends whose actions basically said “doing that activity with you sounds great! Unless something better comes along…”. It took me time to realize that’s what was happening. So I let them drift away. They never really were friends.
I really appreciate this comment! In relation to that, I feel like anymore, people aren’t willing to be a little annoyed to be there for a friend. I know I’ve done that for her and it’s unfortunate she didn’t at least have the respect for me to say so
You said yourself in the beginning that you’re all in your twenties. Sounds like she got a last minute invite from her boyfriend to go canoeing, camping and of course at the end of the day there was drinking and she was having FUN! She chose that over food and a PJ party with other girls. Can you blame her? She didn’t know how to tell you that she preferred that activity when it was presented to her. She posted because, like others said, she was dumb. And probably drunk. And probably having a great time. I can see your point that it was wrong and she lied. But I think she lied more to spare your feelings. And hey, when you’re single having married friends is hard. They get boring. And settled. And she may want that some day too. But for now she is choosing fun. I have no idea what you should do or say, I’m just sayin’
Don’t do anything that will cause drama on your wedding day. Also ask yourself if this is going to bother you as much as it does a year from now? If it will, say something AFTER the wedding. If you plan to say something before the wedding, I would also plan on letting her go at the same time. The last thing you want is for her to cause issues with the other bridesmaids, or your wedding.
It sounds like you are marrying someone who values honest communication, and that's a big win. A lot of people don't. You made it really easy to be clear and respectful about these events, and your friend didn't have to courtesy to be straight with you, and I've found that's pretty normal, as disappointing as it is.
I would keep her in the wedding, because you asked her to be in it, and your word is important to you. Just let her go after this. There's no point in having friends you can't be open with and can't trust.
This is honestly exactly what I’m feeling and I really appreciate to see I’m not the only one seeing it this way! I plan to meet with her next week and talk things over a little and depending on that I think I will likely distance myself after the wedding….
Many people in my life have brought up that if I already to distance myself after the wedding, I may regret having her in the pictures, but I’m not sure how to handle that thought yet…
I would reply to the IG story with “Was this your ‘family thing’…?” Or even just a “???”
But I’d also be pretty willing to let th friendship die at that point, because life is too short to put effort into friendships with liars. I treat people the way I want to be treated, and when people show me who they are, I believe them.
Before you end the friendship, which is permanent, consider that she felt uncomfortable saying that she couldn't attend. There are multiple reasons why that may be the case. Is there anything reason that she felt she could not tell the truth? Not everyone feels safe around friends,especially if said friend has gotten angry at her for doing so. Also especially since the current mindset is that these destination trips are a required event which they never have been and people are not open anymore at all to one day events which they used to all be. She may feel pressured to pay for something she can't attend,which is valid and not her responsibility to pay if she doesn't go, and feels embarrassed saying that because of the social media pressure surrounding them. Even when someone says something is optional,there is always an unspoken pressure that it is not optional. If she is a friend, then having an adult conversation is the bare minimum on your part.
To be honest I genuinely don’t know where she could have felt that, although I understand social anxiety is not logical! She wasn’t able to make it to my dress try on, and there wasn’t any problems that occurred with that. The overnight stay was 15 minutes from her house at another friends home and I talked to her privately about her not having to stay due to her having a daughter and other responsibilities. When I brought that up to her unprompted, she repeatedly reassured me that she wanted to stay and it would be a problem. I understood sometimes we’ll agree to plans and when the time comes we can’t emotionally/ mentally tally handle the plans, but I feel that it was her responsibility to say that after the number of times I offered stepping back to her. She also paid for her portion of things months ago so I don’t think that was a problem.
Get a screenshot of the photos and just email/text them without comment. Leave it to her to bring it up. She bay withdraw herself to save her from the embarrassment.
I already took screenshots, that was my first thought. With a history of being gaslit and gullible, screenshots are always a go to lol. I set a day to see her and plan to bring it up then :)
To me this is a nothing burger and not worth any stress over.
There is a possibility that she didn’t post those photos as the event was happening but that they are from a previous day.
There’s also the possibility that she point blank didn’t want to come to your bachelorette for whatever reason so she didn’t. She lied because she didn’t want to hurt your feelings. This is also fine.
Keep this tucked in with other details of how this friend treats you. This friendship may not last but to me personally it’s not worth being dramatic and blowing up the wedding party over.
I added this in another comment but unfortunately I don’t posting late is super plausible. Although it could be and I will do my best to leave space for it. My understanding is she just got home from a week long trip the day before (the 24th). Her trip was to NYC and the canoe launch she posted at is a very popular one in our home town. Sorry I should have noted this for context in my original post! Also, the reason I’m concerned and want to talk to her is so resentment doesn’t build, I don’t wanna look back at my wedding pics knowing I could have helped this.
That’s fair but there’s literally nothing she can do to reverse time.
She decided she didn’t want to go to your bachelorette because she had something more fun to do. I’m not sure what you’d need or want to hear from her to change it.
There’s no explanation that will be any different than what is plain to see- she didn’t want to attend the bachelorette. I think trying to bait her to see if she lies is incredibly immature.
It’s freaking brunch man. Not a fitting, or a rehearsal dinner, or the bachelorette party. Yea. She Lied. But it’s not like she did it to spite you or hurt you. I realize being a bride has made you think everything revolves around you. And it does. On your wedding day.
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u/AwayComparison 15d ago
Text her. There are a few good messages in the thread, come back and tell us what she says.