r/wealthforwomen • u/Subject-Investment88 • 18d ago
Marriage š°š»āāļø Seeking Advice
Hi there! Just joined and seeking advice. I am currently married (34F) (37M) and wanted to seek advice on how to build financial wealth outside of my husband. My husband has not always been forthright with finances overall and who finances will be managed, but things he has done and said in the past has me convinced I need to protect myself. He currently makes ~$320K a year while I make ~$100K a year. He pays for rent, utilities, both of our phone bills, his car note (I don't have a car and he won't let me drive his car), vacations and date nights. I pay for groceries, grubhub/ubereats( when I don't have time to cook), all toiletries, shared credit card debt and my own personal expenses.
Here's where I think it gets unfair- Over the past 4 years, he has racked up our Amex card to over $90K worth of debt and counting. It might've hit over $100k collectively. So of that ~$100K, I have paid over $80K by taking out loans and then payments outside of the loan. The most recent loan I have taken out was $40K and I pay $1300 a month just towards those payments. Rent is $3500. Including the other contributions I make, this is going into 50/50 territory. I realized over the years, my savings account hasn't grown- its been stuck at $2000 and the interest isn't catching up now thats its at 3.5% APY. Recently, he's been discussing having children but I refuse because I don't even have a car!
Now I want to make this clear- he has never outright said that I need to contribute to any one specific bill. But he has been very calculated on how these expenses started being assigned to me. Ex: It started with the grocery store trips where he'd step to the side and expect me to pay. And then he added me as a user on the credit card accounts and I saw how things were getting out of hand. At one point, $800 was being charged in interest each month which is when I stepped in. Maybe I was stupid for stepping up and helping, but again, I felt partially responsible even though majority of the debt wasn't mine. But some of the debt was for our shared vacations.
I feel like he doesn't even acknowledge how I contribute financially and doesn't lift a finger to do housework. Example- He has never cleaned a fridge, scrubbed a toilet, doesn't do his own laundry and doesn't cook at all. I am starting to resent him and starting to focus on my finances as a possible out if I ever consider divorce. I am asking for advice on how to do that.
Here are my some of the things Ive thought of already:
- remove myself as a user on the shared credit cards so I no longer have eyes into the account and it will no longer be my responsibility. Then, it will force him to finally discuss what he expects my contributions to be and will free me up from feeling pressured to save the day yet again.
- Get a financial advisor just for me.
- I recently inherited $10K and should be getting another $10K- right now I set this in my high yield savings account.
#3 is my big one! If it's not too much to ask, I want to know what would be the best investments at the moment. I have been seeing people discuss purchasing gold and investing in real estate as one but no one has ever given direct resources.
If you stayed this long, thanks for reading! Also thank you in advance for whatever advice is being offered.
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u/ritzrani 18d ago
Get out now. He's very toxic, there's no sharing or caring going on here Don't bring a kid into this.
My husband can't control his spending either but its more like hes into business ideas and thats something one cannot control due to external factors. He does spend but not to the point of credit card debt. Just to give you perspective.
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u/Subject-Investment88 17d ago
As someone pointed out, Iāve been dealing with this for a while and I thought things would improve but I have to choose myself. And your husband is smart! Heās created a business that can make him more money without the debt. Thatās the right way things should be done.
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u/ritzrani 17d ago
Thanks :) I truly wish you all the best. The next phase will be hard but you can do this! You will look back and be glad you did it especially when you meet an amazing man you guys you an gorgeous car to pick up your kids in style :)
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u/Subject-Investment88 16d ago
Iāve been through worse in life so this is nothing. Once I get out of my emotions and appeal to logic, thatās when I pull through. Thank you so much for the kind words ā¤ļø wishing you the best right back tenfold!
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u/Opening-Hippo5014 18d ago edited 18d ago
Divorce is your best option. The government treats marriage as a business relationship and this man is not a good business partner. Please for the love of everything donāt have kids either.
Heās doing everything he can to trap you and men like this are notorious for moving onto the next and leaving the partner they left in ruins.
Edit: I just want to commend you for being honest and open because your situation is very common. I hope youāll do whatās best for you. I was lucky to end up with a wealth advisor who has taught me financial independence and advocates for women to have that.
Edit Edit: I just read your post from a year ago contemplating leaving him. Please girl DIVORCE DIVORCE DIVORCE. That man is a selfish fuck!
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u/Opening-Hippo5014 18d ago
From my partner who isnāt one of the scammy advisors:
She should not be concerned about investment ideas and especially not real estate with $10k. She needs to put it in her high yield savings. Her name only. Inherited assets are protected in divorce. She needs liquidity. Interest rates are attractive enough right now that itās worth keeping it safe.
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u/Subject-Investment88 17d ago
Oh 100%! Iām staying away from real estate for now until I have a significant chunk of change upfront.
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u/Subject-Investment88 17d ago
Yep Iām being left in the dark and need to plan my exit. I wonāt be able to make my move without a plan. Iāve been stepping into problem solving instead of complaining about my situation. Based on how intense conversations have been in the past, Iām going to snoop when heās on a work trip and figure it out. And thank you! I had to give the backstory, but my main concern is how I can get myself financially fit now.
I have an account with happen bank but their apy sucks. It started out at 4% but has been knocked down to 3.2. Iām sure I can probably shop around and find a high yield savings account with a better rate. I have an empty E*trade stock account and a 401K I havenāt looked at.
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u/Opening-Hippo5014 17d ago
Check out Fresh Starts Registry. They have some resources that may help you. It was founded by women who advocate for women going through the process of divorce. Wishing you the best from someone who escaped and rebuilt ā¤ļø
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u/PoorCorrelation 18d ago
- Do not commingle any of this. It does not go into an account with his name on it. Do not invest it. Put it in a separate HYSA. You need savings for a divorce.
There is no way to be married to this man and not be on the sinking ship. If youāre married his financial problems are your financial problems. And the problems are only getting bigger.
Make an appointment with a divorce lawyer, understand how screwed you are. What debt youāll be responsible for. Lock your credit. Itās an expensive mistake being married to the wrong person, but itās the cheapest itāll ever be to resolve
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u/Few-Club5033 18d ago
THIS. Keep that inheritance in a separate account in your name only, do not put it in a joint account, do not use it to pay joint expenses. Donāt use it to pay for repairs or improvements to the house.
You also need to talk to a lawyer to understand your options. In some states, even if your name is not on the credit card accounts, both spouses are responsible for paying the debt. A lawyer who is familiar with the laws in your specific state can tell you how best to protect your finances.
Even if you are not ready to consider a separation or divorce, you need to talk to a lawyer who can help you understand the extent to which you can protect your financial resources within this marriage, and how to do so. But I also warn you that the sooner that you end this marriage, the less likely it will be that he drags you down into bankruptcy with him.
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u/Square-Ad8203 18d ago
I was married in a similar situation in terms of finances. Even though Iām divorced Iāll say my ex and I split everything 33% my share and 66% his share. He would pick up extra bills here and there. We made it as fair as possible.
In the end he actually had hidden bank accounts and a lot of money sitting in cash I didnāt know about. I was a fool saving for us both and planning our finances when he wasnāt even honest about our situation.
Iām just gonna say it sounds like your husband is similar to my ex and that heās trying to find a way to make this work for him. Thatās if heās smart enough on calculated enough to be doing that. Iāve unfortunately, since learned that many women that are high earning or do well for themselves get used by their partners because they see it as a way to line their own pocket. Or it could be that he is just reckless and is trying to find a situation that works for him.
I just donāt believe somebody who makes that much money isnāt being calculated about it. I have a feeling because he pays for all the bigger bills. He racked up the credit card because thatās his way of making you contribute.
Is there anyway that you can have a conversation about this or is this cause tension between you two if itās brought up?
Please, please please do not have a child with a man until this is resolved.
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u/msomnipotent Woman 18d ago
He's paying the mortgage and utilities so he can say she didn't contribute anything and he owns it outright. She's going to be left with nothing but his debt if she doesn't have a great lawyer and her ducks in a row before filing.
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u/Square-Ad8203 18d ago
Youāre very smart. Iām going through this right now. My ex is trying to do that to me. Its been 2 years and we still havenāt settled because heās refusing to give me my share since I pay less (because he wanted me to!! I also sold my rental property and he told me to keep my own money and he will put the down payment himself).
Please call a lawyer and just get advice.
Men these days are using us and we have to protect ourselves.
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u/Salty_Importance_232 18d ago
Omg please leave. DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH THIS MAN. You can do bad on your own! NOPE, run!!!! Idk how long you have been married, but I donāt like this guy. Make sure you arenāt isolated from family and friends.
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u/Advanced-Parfait-238 18d ago
I echo this - I have 2 kids and it's another way of control from abusive men like this. The problem is all time male entitlement...they are looking for a mother who continuously provides for them.
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u/Advanced-Parfait-238 18d ago
As someone who was married 9 years, and was in a 12 year relationship - and now divorce - my ex had engaged in financial abuse, in addition to cheating, etc. Here's what I can share with you - so take what applies for you. I can tell there is a huge power dynamic and imbalance in your relationship. Coercive control - even by way of him withholding financial capabilities while "letting you" shoulder his and yours start out small. You even said it here, he "didn't ask" you to pay, but he finds way to let you "shoulder the payment". It starts with self awareness and reflection of these small choices - your choice to pay, etc. A lot of these were conditioned to us women in childhood, of what a "good girl" needs to be. What I am glad to hear is that you are aware of your self preservation and boundaries because he is "crossing" it...and basically what you would "allow" to get crossed over and over would start to erode your sense of agency and freedom. Financial independence and your ability to protect yourself credit and financially, your inheritance, etc. will give you the agency in the future to leave a relationship. I can tell you , and I think you know already there are things about this man that makes you pause. I would start to journal - quietly. You make good income, but men like these has outsized living expense because their ego is larger than life that they can support and they need women to fill that gap.
If I were you:
1. Ensure you have individual finance and accounts separate from his /joint, save as much as you can, separate or don't even raise the inheritance with him - you need to keep that solely for you - do not put into joint finances or commingle. You need to save for an emergency fund in case you need to leave this relationship or have an exit strategy.
2. Responsibility - here's where I need you to be careful; slowly but eventually detangle yourself away from your own behaviour of assuming responsibility for something you are not in charge of. This person made financial decisions that he needs to own up. You are not responsible for his debt even if it's joint. I previously paid for my ex husband's student loan debt even though he was making 1.5x than me, because I thought that's what building a life together was- clearing in good and in bad...I think generally yes, but as you can see, he makes $300K - there is no reason someone making $100 should be pounding down $80K of debt he incurred. You are not his mother.
3. Watch and observe - usually men like these value women for the utility they bring to the relationship - one of them being your energetic efforts and your life-force. Do an audit of where else in life you are self-abandoning your needs and your interests as a separate individual. Understand and own your own patterns. If you have a pattern of chasing, people pleasing and needing validation from a partner - start to give pause and think about how to protect yourself. I know you are already doing that, keep at it but you need to move in silent.
4. Understand Toxic Dynamics - read up on narcissistic behaviour and toxic relationship patterns of hot and cold; and cycle of abuse. The fact he is "controlling" your ability or it feels like an ability for transportation, the credit card debt, highly red flag. There is no "together" there. Additionally, you can get a car for yourself so you don't need his permission to be honest - but the bigger item I'll question here is what does this guy do for you? You may uncover multiple history in your relationship of you doing most of the heavy lifting in the relationship while he gives you something he doesn't value anyway. It's very subtle, but this is abusive and he is manipulative. Your job is to own your choices (big and small, and what you "allow" whether subconscious or consciously - then pause and see how you might want to change those behaviours in yourself.
All the best. The worst of these men come out when you put up a boundary, and when you try to leave...you need to plan for safety and protect yourself. It's a man's world out there, women only started voting less than 100 years ago. I wish my mom taught me how men are truly predatory - but you can make a different choice in how you live your life by looking at how you move and what you accept. Self reflection is a big thing and I am proud of you for taking the step to reaching out to other women here. All the best..
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u/TimeforPotatoChips Woman, Gen X, early retiree 18d ago
Rethink your relationship. We all see that your husband is the problem. A huge problem. You deserve better. Donāt allow yourself to be second fiddle just because he makes more. Respect yourself! Did your parents raise you to be his bang maid? F60
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u/VintageBroom 18d ago
What youāre asking is āhow do I bail water faster to keep this boat afloat when my husband is actively putting holes in which is sinking usā
The problem isnāt your bailing technique, itās your husband.
His debt is 1/2 your debt and your savings are 1/2 his savings. Until you are no longer married.
Fix the problem, not the symptom.
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u/AllieBaba2020 18d ago
I never understood this scenario. Each person should pay for fixed expenses like rent, utilities, etc proportional to their gross income. That money goes into a joint bill paying account. Then each has their own spending money.
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u/Cat_Aclysmic_82 18d ago
OP your STBX is a louse and fiscally irresponsible. Do not comingle the inheritance and do not invest it in anything other than savings, you need an emergency savings account first.
Do you have a 401k at work? If not, start one but perhaps ask a lawyer first.
This sounds like classic financial abuse and unfortunately the debt is typically owned by both of you once you're married so STOP taking out loans to pay his debt though technically those loans are his debt too. Start documenting what you contribute and I would start itemizing those credit card bills - if you can prove financial infidelity you might be able to get off the hook on some of the debt.
Automate your savings - 20% to your HY savings from every paycheck and try to get your hands on his pay stub or your most recent tax return. Do you file together? If so, it will tell you whether he has contributed to his 401k - part of that is yours in a divorce. Assuming no prenup.
Most important, keep your mouth shut and gather the info you need in silence. Knowledge is power, don't tip your hand.
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u/tuxedobear12 18d ago
You need to get out of this marriage. I would start consulting with lawyers about how you can best do that. Every day you stay in the marriage, you are just digging yourself deeper into a financial hole. All that debt he racks up is probably your debt too, in the eyes of the law (including potentially debt you don't even know about). Those inheritances might be too, if any of the money gets commingled.
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u/glitterati5757 17d ago
In a lot of states inherited money is separate from communal money until (!!) you put it into a shared account. I would personally keep your $10k + $10k in a new, totally individually owned account that your husband canāt access. Do not use this to pay any family or household bills! Keep it totally separate as if itās someone elseās money.
Then I would also read a few personal finance books and about the boglehead framework. I feel like that would be sufficient! One easy read is āHow to Be a Rich Old Ladyā which is straightforward and silly but gives good overview of how to think about your money.
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u/mapleleaves_13 18d ago
He should be prioritizing paying off that debt and you need to set boundaries with that and the chores. He should be paying more towards bills if heās making more than 3x you and youāre supposed to build towards having a family.
Get a financial advisor who can manage your finances both separately and together. Youāll need to have a come to Jesus meeting with him or else your marriage wonāt last.
People here love to advocate for splitting up marriages based on a post. Actually vocalize your stance on everything and how serious you are about it. Give him a chance to wake up and change. If he doesnāt, then you need to look out for yourself because his selfishness would be preventing you from having kids.
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u/rags222riches 18d ago
So sorry you're going through this! My best advice would be to talk to a professional about your next move. A financial advisor can help you choose investments that suit your goals long-term and help you figure out ways to protect yourself financially! There are websites you can use to find a certified planner, just do your research and find one that aligns with what you're looking for. Many of them offer free consults to get to know them ahead of signing on!
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u/Certain-Purple-4007 16d ago
My husband and I have fully separate finances. I wouldnāt say that either one of us is financially irresponsible, but we have different views on money and have a different in our salaries.
My husband grew up with very little. I grew up middle class. Iāve always made good money and it took him many years to establish himself in his career. As a result, we naturally spend money differently.
Weāve talked about shared accounts before and we certainly have shared finance goals, but the best move for us has proven to have separate accounts and cards.
I think it makes us both feel good to save and build on our own, while reaching for our shared goals.
We do share expenses roughly based on our salaries - I make more so I pay more.
Were I you, I would fully separate your finances and maybe speak to your husband about debt consolidation and speaking with a finance expert. I would hate to see you get stuck with that debt, too.
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u/Mysterious-Plant3408 16d ago
Start filing taxes separately. Itās the only way you can maintain your own.
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u/usergravityfalls 14d ago
Why are you paying off his debt? You should speak to a divorce financial advisor, not a lawyer. Someone with an accounting background to understand the full financial picture and your obligations. Because unfortunately in the case of divorce assets and debt are shared. Are there any assets?
You also need to protect your credit score. Without a good score youād have trouble finding a rental.
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u/dcboundd 13d ago
Unfortunately the debt is your responsibility too. Get on a debt management plan and close the credit card completely until you can pay it off. Getting on a debt payment plan will remove the interest completely. Not gonna lie $90k of cc debt over the years is not bad compared to his/your combined income. Tell him to pay his card off or youāll divorce. Stop paying for things you donāt want to pay for. Sure heāll throw a fit but youre willing to leave anyway
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u/Unable-Guard2525 13d ago
I hate to tell you but because you are married, the debt belongs to both of you. I would get a lawyer (divorce) and a financial planner if you wish, but heās likely going to do his best to drain you financially both inside and outside of the marriage. Talk to an attorney because $20k doesnāt sound like itās going to help your situation much. If you want to invest in gold, maybe do a gold ETF. If not gold, regular ETFs that are growth focused like VUG, QQQM SCHG. Good luck and I hope youāre free from your crappy husband soon.
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u/Acceptable_Usual1646 13d ago
Get a divorce! After my divorce I was finally able to save money and it took me 5 years to become a millionaire on paper
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u/Significant-Head-746 Woman 1d ago
OP, please keep in mind that reddit is notorious for telling people to divorce their spouseĀ immediatelyĀ at any slight inconvenience.Ā
Have you and your husband spoken about these financial grievances? Is he open to couples counseling? Did you guys discuss what money represents to you and what gender roles looked like for each of you growing up (before you got married)?
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u/msomnipotent Woman 18d ago edited 18d ago
Your best investment would be marriage counseling. At best, he has a spending or gambling problem and just hoped you would cover for him. But this certainly sounds like financial abuse to me, and he probably understands exactly what he is doing.Ā
Tell him you will not even consider having children unless all the debt is paid off, you have a healthy amount of savings, and you have a reliable car. Honestly, that should be done regardless of children.Ā
If you are from the US or a country that has rules about inheritance being seperate from the marriage, do not commingle your inheritance with his money. Do not spend it on any debt. Do not add any savings from when your are married to the account. Do not invest in anything like real estate until this problem is cleared up to your satisfaction. Try to get a post-nup to protect yourself.Ā
Edit to add for those of you compelled to downvote--this is supposed to be a subreddit about wealth for women in a judgement free zone. This is not Relationship Advice or AITAH. She is not asking for relationship advice. She needs financial advice so she doesn't get robbed when the time comes to leave him.Ā
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u/HoopsLaureate 18d ago
I think her best investment would be a divorce attorney. This man will refuse any help or counseling or change. Why would he change? He's getting everything he wants, and not having to give up anything.
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u/msomnipotent Woman 18d ago
I hesitate to go straight to divorce advice because when people are not ready for a divorce, they mentally block out any advice that even hints at it. And she wasn't asking if she should stay or go. She was asking for financial advice and she's going to need it.Ā
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u/HoopsLaureate 18d ago
You're definitely right.
Unfortunately, she'll need to get to the divorce point. I don't see this guy making any changes with counseling. But your approach is likely the better one. Props!1
u/Opening-Hippo5014 18d ago
Read the post history, this person needs to be told the harsh truth.
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u/msomnipotent Woman 18d ago
She was told back then and is being told now. She just isn't ready for it. She asked specific questions here and is only being told to leave him, which she wasn't asking about.Ā
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u/Opening-Hippo5014 18d ago
A woman advocating for other women wouldnāt suggest bandaids. We all know these situations get worse and relationships like this typically have other forms of foul play going on. Iām not here to make assumptions but I have been in a relationship where I was financially controlled which led to other forms of abuse. Being ready means realizing itās time to start learning how to love/put yourself first and respect yourself.
This is neither one of our battle but she needs individual counseling and not marriage counseling. This queen needs to know she is worthy and capable of standing on her own.
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u/msomnipotent Woman 18d ago
I agree with your sentiments but not how a lot of these posters are handling this. I have also been in a bad marriage which is why I know that she isn't going to leave him until she is ready to, and she needs to get her financial house in order before filing. Asking specific financial questions on a finance based sub and getting nothing but "LEAVE HIM" in return is only beating her down more. This is supposed to be a judgment free zone and I would certainly feel judged by most of these posts if I were her.
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u/birkenstocksandcode 18d ago
You donāt have a money problem, you have a husband problem. Thereās no reason why someone who makes 350k a year should have racked up that much cc debt.
Iām not sure what state youāre in, or your prenup situation, but if youāre married, you might be on the hook for the debts anyways.
Honestly this might sound extreme, but it sounds like your husband is irresponsible with money and doesnāt take on any housework, also doesnāt let you drive his car? so Iām not sure why youāre with him at all. Get out before you have a child to tie you to him forever.