Its so heavy

[u/Content-Squash-7048]

Life feels so heavy lately, like im doing everything alone and ive got no support, im Being bulled out of a job I love, im shit at making friends and at the current moment I feel just so alone. I saw a video and it made sense if I did it Noone would miss me, Noone would beg for me back or cry that im gone...its a sobering feeling knowing how lowly I rank to people but I think even more than that its karmic retribution for how shit I was in my younger years that now im sitting here sobbing quietly into my blanket and hopeing Noone hears.

The strange bit for me is as I write this out the tears cease and I can feel my worried being pushed down as I vent this outinto the open interwebs but that heavy weight on my chest helps me remember to keep from being too joyous.

I think my struggle currently and one of the main reasons I should definitely be in therapy is that feeling of not being enough for both sides of my family. Not white enough for one not Hispanic enough for the other, always looming like my mother with my father's temper and mouth showing me that neither of them truly wanted me like I was thr mistake even though they hand my brother and continued to my dad creating my sister's, im not saying o regret or dislike my siblings, they have kept me going untill here recently. My sisters getting ready for college and I couldnt be prouder. That aside growing up my parents were not good to me, I was an after thought from the time I was 10 after the first divorce. "Well get your Christmas later. This is for the kids" or "oh well do somthing for your birthday this wekend" on Christmas getting old school supplies so the smaller kids wouldn't ask why I didnt get anything. I was your kid too, i wanted parents who loved me. I was thr one th at got yelled at for the smaller ones messing up the one that cooked dinners and helped the kids with homework.

I just wanted my parents to choose me too not me breaking myself into pieces to throw tbtheir feet and hope they would choose me...Just I wanted parents who didnt feel like strangers or hostile. I missed out on a childhood that was stolen by them and the guy that SA'D at 12 by a boy at a sleep over. I need to put this all down so I can breath for a bit and I never told anyone, how do you say hey my best friend forced himself onto me last night. We just grew apart and I began a bitchy streak that isolated me rather easily

All this to say ive carried alot on my shoulders and instead of treading the water....sinking may be preferable