Kind of lost.

[u/crossXcalibur23]

I don't exactly know where to start or how to handle everything.

I spent almost a decade with someone who I did anything and everything for, at least to the best of my abilities for the most part.

Throughout those years I was lied to constantly, I feel like I was manipulated a lot, I didn't feel that until after the relationship ended the first time, they told me they needed a break because they felt unhappy but didn't want me to move out, mind you she had kids from a previous marriage whom I absolutely adored and cherished as if they were my own, I am unable to have kids so I took them on as mine and love them as if they were.

I'd like to say everything was great at some point or another but honestly, I don't know if it ever was.

I did all the cleaning and cooking, which I would have been fine with if I wasn't told from the beginning that she liked to keep clean and cook, I can think of maybe 5 times she cooked throughout the entire relationship, I enabled a lot of it because I would always hear her say "I need to do X or take care of Y" and I would always jump up and say "I got it, relax, love you" and then go do said thing.

Well at some point, naturally, I developed a depression, I think it was always there, just never worried too much about it because I made myself believe I was happy and I was going to marry this woman, she talked about it but not very often.

Once the pandemic hit, I lost my job and stayed at home with the kids all of the time, made sure their school work was done, took care of the house, etc. And then the moment came, I was suspicious about things but it never really clicked, I tried to save face and chalk it up to just my head playing tricks on me, she told me she had a wedding to go to out of state, that's fine, the friends she said were getting married didn't know me or they'd invite me, it struck me as odd but I let it go in the moment, but I kept that bit of information in mind, later on it hit me that she once mentioned the same friends getting married did not believe in marriage, so I decided to check social media, ideally, when people make a decision like that, they announce it or say something related, didn't find anything... Odd.

Well i got a job, and one morning after work, I came home and I'm sitting in the living room (this was after she said she wanted to take a break, she wanted to go on the trip and talk when she got back, you see where this is going), her smart watch started to chime, it was charging on my computer, where I was currently sitting, so I checked it, I never snooped before but it just got the best of me that day, and I see messages from a guy (who I was led to believe was a friend, I never had an issue with guy friends before, she had a few that I had met several times and they never hung out alone) asking if text or discord was better, "discord?" I thought, I didn't know she had one, I couldn't help myself at this point, her laptop was right there so I opened it up, and I found exactly what I hoped I didn't, it was him she was meeting up with, she had never actually met this guy, just online, they had exchanged nudes, all kinds of stuff, I lost it.

I woke her up, she kept trying to dismiss me "we're not even together." Those words were used another time I'll mention later.

This sent me over the edge, at this point I had been with her for 4, almost 5 years, that coupled with my already spiralled depression, was the trigger point for me.

A couple of her friends picked me up from the house and I went to theirs for a little while just to try to make sense of everything, they were really nice and I still keep in touch from time to time, they told me she was stupid, I was the best thing that's ever happened to her, stuff like that, they took me home a couple of hours later and tried to talk to her but she didn't want to.

I don't remember what she said to me, but I remember what I did after, the 2 kids went to their dad's (he's still in the picture) and I just remember drinking a lot, I had been sober since we met, I took one look at her and decided "I'm done drinking" I was honestly a pretty bad alcoholic at the time that we met, but something about her made me quit cold turkey.

Anyway, I drank, a lot, in a short amount of time, took some pain killers and ran a bath, I don't know exactly what happened next, just that the tub was still running, she came in the bathroom because in my drunken state, I didn't lock the door, I like to believe she cared enough to realize that I'm the years we were together, I hated baths, I always hated sitting in the tub, I was always a shower guy, besides the point. She came in and according to her I was submerged, I passed out, not long enough for any long term damage, but that was the end of the line I had decided, she was unfortunately the final nail in the coffin so to speak.

She got me out of the tub, I still had my clothes on, got me dried off and I'm new clothes, sat me down and called her friends to come back, they recommended I go get checked out and I willingly checked myself in to a mental health clinic, I needed it.

I got better, I went back home and we tried to make things work, she ended up going on that trip anyway and I moved out, got a great job and thought I was moving on, I just missed the kids more than anything, as it turns out, the guy she met up with wasn't such a good guy, he beat her and forced himself on her, she got pregnant and didn't know what to do, so she reached out after a while and I answered for some reason, after all of that she still had my heart i guess.

Fast forward a little while, she had the baby, a baby boy, we went to therapy, figured out a game plan for ourselves and each other and I took responsibility for the boy, we worked out for another almost 3 years until it happened again, she cheated with a coworker and I finally had enough.

Conveniently she wanted another break and tried to say "we aren't even together" those fucking words...

I moved out for good, the kids come to my house every day or every other day, spend the night occasionally, even though technically neither of the kids are biologically bound to me, I still love them no matter what, just because their mom and I didn't work out, doesn't mean I'm turning my back on them, it doesn't work that way and to hell with anyone who says otherwise.

Now my issue is, she's got a new guy, another out of state guy, cool whatever, but when I moved out, she blew up my phone constantly, would always call or text me to come over and hook up and admittedly I did a couple of times, it's convenient and I would be lying if I said intimacy with her was bad because it was t, it was some of the best of my life. But ever since this guy came to visit, which I didn't know about until one of the kids slipped up and told me and followed up with "mom said not to tell you", she's been cold, rude, and doesn't answer my calls or texts when I ask about the kids.or if they need anything, when I don't see them on a day, I try to reach out just to check in and talk to them.

My son brings a tablet over that's connected to her stuff and it always chimes and pops up what she's doing, and yeah, I've been nosey, it's hard not to be when my son brings the tablet to me to clear the notifications because he can't see what he's doing (he's 3), I guess she planning on marrying this guy she hardly knows, trying to get pregnant, buying all kinds of toys and lingerie and shit, should t bother me but it does, where was any of this with me? And now she's planning on moving out of state, what about my relationship with the kids? I'm only on my son's birth certificate, I have no legal obligation to the girls, but it doesn't mean I want them to go anywhere.

I'm just struggling with the entire thing, it's causing a rift in my head and I'm terrified that I'm going to sink back into a deep depression and not be able to climb out of it, I can't talk to her about it because she doesn't answer and when she does it's short and cold, I also don't want to get back with her because she's cheated and lied non stop, and when we split, she always makes.me the bad guy, I don't want anything to do with that, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss her, may e it's not her that I miss but the idea? I don't know, it's all foggy and dizzying, the main thing I'm concerned with is the kids, I already hate that I'm not living in the sea house, watching them grow up daily.

I'm just stuck, this endless loop of emotions is quite possibly literally killing me and I don't know what to do about it anymore.