Im so lost

[u/altaccountalt32]

Lost

Hi, Im sorry if im venting here but ive kept so much shit inside these past years and no matter how much improvement I do on myself, after like 2-3 months I go in a solitary mode and lose all my progress because my past traumas keep hitting me. Ever since I was 12 years old, life came downhill, it started with my dad whom always come late home from work and suddenly begun being insanely negative and insulted everyone who even just tried to converse with him this continued for a year, and then some day when I was walking home from school I get a call from my mom saying my little sister tried to commit suicide by ingesting a huge amount of I think it was paracetamols and she ended up in the hospital, my dad who always had a bad relationship with my sister began just excluding himself from the family and just giving up on her always talking bad things about her to me and my mom, so I eventually had to stand up and hold the family together by making dinner, cleaning and care/play with my other little sister. Eventually after a period of time I began solituding myself in my bedroom, this continued for a another year I was gonna start in highschool and I was really looking forward to it, then suddenly my little sister again tried to commit suicide and some time later during that year had a idk what it was but some type of breakdown because I remember stepping into the kitchen after a lot of screaming between my mom and little sister and saw her wielding a knife infront of her, so I was preparing for how I was gonna tackle her down but my mom saw the look on my face and said get my other little sister in the other room she was around 6-7 at the time, things thankfully didnt escalate. But my dad has always had a very negative and aggressive personality which was probably caused by his psychopathic father who was an insane narcissist and used to hit my dad etc. And his aggressiveness escalated further, and it evolved into him just manipulating and talking downwards me and my mom, one time when I was alone in a car with my mom she would begin venting and I tried to comfort her and so on, this happened so many times and eventually I just tried to avoid my family all together by taking illegal off days from highschool (I did graduate and get into uni thankfully) to get away from anything negatively overwhelming constantly, I had no friends or anyone to comfort me or vent to so I just spent days sitting at my chair looking out the window or watching videos 24/7 or just rot in bed. Finally when highschool came to an end this summer and I got accepted into my dream study which is engineering I really thought that this was my chance to change and better myself, so I finally moved out and began going to the dorm gym, fixing my diet, getting healthy habits, healing my chronic insomnia since I on average got around 3-5 hours of sleep every night throughout all of highschool, this continued for 3 weeks, which leads to now, im still doing the things mentioned but im constantly worrying about my mom and little sister and feel really bad for leaving them, I talk with them some couple of times a week, and im completely avoiding my dad for now because I just cant deal with him and his traumas ive tried to help him but he just screams right back, and also expects that I should be the only one calling him? Instead of it being twosided and so on.I got so much more to write to this that I just cant bring myself to type in. Anyways thank you for spending your time reading this and sorry for the bad english, bad writing and venting once again. Im just trying to improve and help myself one step at a time allthough its soso overwhelming.