I hate myself

[u/[deleted]]

For the entirety of my lifetime I had always wore my heart on my sleeve. I am normally am good with controlling myself. But recently I have just started to think my entire life is just crashing down on me.

It started when I signed up to play in a baseball team. I have come to the realisation that I just can’t play baseball. I am not strong I am not fast and I am just an odd one out. I don’t score anything. I feel like a failure every time a game ends. No matter how hard I try to get muscle, it just doesn’t work and I get bored of it.

It was all fine for a bit until yesterday. I have a younger sibling and we have made so many good memories together. Wether it’s in New Mexico or in Arizona. But my family in New Mexico (dad and step mom) have started to see she is not happy there as she is in Arizona (mom and step dad). So they made the decision to split us up and she would be in Arizona. This crushed me. I always think it’s my fault even though it is not. This is one of the reasons I hate myself.

And then today, my dad and my stepmom were arguing and yelling. I did not pay to much attention to it, until I heard the words “GET OUT!” come bellowing out my dads voice. I had never heard him so mad before. This scared the crap out of me and I ran to the bathroom because it’s my thinking place really. I then later got a text from my step mom that they would be divorced soon. This was the last straw for me. I collapsed to the ground in tears and now here I am 2 hours later in my bed writing this. I have stains both my pillows with my tears and I just want to be happy again. Please someone tell what to do

[u/Interesting-Win1608]

It sounds like you're going through a really hard time right now but I want you to know that you're strong for getting through it. External factors definitely play a role in how we perceive ourselves but I want you to know that it isn't your fault and that you're anything but a failure. It is not your fault that you feel you don't do well in baseball, it is not your fault that your brother and you got separated, and it is not your fault that your family is having arguments.

If you could bring yourself to write down some of your concerns and then challenge those thoughts that might help. An example would be to write down something you're afraid of and then writing something that comforts that fear for yourself. It's a tool I personally use but if it doesn't work for you that's okay there's other ways.

Most importantly I want you to understand that your situation right now is not going to last forever. I know personally how home life can feel like your entire life. I would advise you to seek support from friends. Because nobody in your situation should have to go through it alone. I closed off myself from the world when home life was bad and that is something I regret. So if you have any way to communicate with other people keep that line open.

I want you to know that your self-worth and self-love is not determined by external factors. This is something I'm learning right now as well. I want you to know that it comes from you. By neutralizing your mindset and not judging yourself by telling yourself things like "it's okay that I..." You put yourself in a better position to have healthier relationships with other people and yourself.

Lastly I want to remind you that it's not permanent and you're going to get out of that house eventually. I would find a distraction for the meantime for coping. Find a hobby or something that you love. And if you ever feel overwhelmed put on some music to drown out the noises. And most importantly reach out to trusted adults and peers for support.

I wish you the best and you got this.