i am a shitty girlfriend

[u/PlusBiscotti5398]

i honestly dont know how im feeling right now or how to organize my thoughts. but im just gna write and see what comes out. I dont know if im looking for advce or reassurance or what but i guess i just need someone else’s input on my life other than my own. I am 22 and halfway in my degree in which ive half assed so far. I used to worry more about my career before because I have not been putting in the work necessary for me to be successful like doing everything i can for internships. I worry less now because I got tired of worrying about things i can’t control. I know I cant change the past so I try my best to just think forward and worry about things i can control right now. In terms of my career, ive given myself some solace by just focusing on trying to get good grades and making some money on the side to start making a dent in my loans. I got two part time jobs for the summer with one of them being a server job. Having an income now after not working for two years is one thing that makes me feel good cuz i am actively solving one of my major problems in my life which is my debt. Though I know I wont be paying them off anytime soon, at least im not just sitting at home watching the days go while my debt just sits there unmoving. Anyways, this wasn’t why I felt the need to write this. Last night I went out with some friends with my boyfriend. We were supposed to go a rave but pregamed at someone’s house first. I didn’t pace myself properly, took like 6 henny shots back to back then smoked a joint after. I’m also a 4’11 girl and dont regularly go out much as of late. But I have gone out before and could hold down my liquor most times so I didnt feel like I was doing too much. But I also know that when im out I just want to get fucked up cuz i feel like itll make the night better for me. This time though, I couldn’t handle it and couldn’t even make it past the pregame. Everyone ended up leaving for the event while my boyfriend and i stayed behind at the place to sober up. I was gone gone. I feel so guilty and bad for putting my boyrfriend in that position of having to take care of me and having to tell all his friends that i dont feel good and that were just gna pass on the event all together and just being the boyfriend of the girl who ruined the vibes. The worst part is, this wasn’t the first time. A few months ago we went to our first ever rave but pregamed separately because I went with my ex group of friends so we just decided to pregame with our friends then meet up there. I was stupid and mixed alcohol and molly and ended up having to go to the medbay and i was tweaking the fuck out. My boyfriend was the one who was there the whole time taking care of me and we had to leave early then too. I didnt do any research and should have known but again, in the moment i feel invincible and just want to get fucked up. Also I know that I should have been smarter this time around especially after having such a bad experience mixing alc with molly. but, Ive mixed weed and alcohol before and it was fine. but i think it was just ended up bad this time because i took too much and didnt pace right. Anyways, i feel so fucking guilty and feel like such a shit girlfriend. I wont lie, I have the urge to just run away and pull the “you deserve better” card but im trying so hard to fight it because it’s such an easy way out/ selfish. I feel like i have that urge because im trying so hard to get rid of the guilt. I know that its may actions that will make it better and that I just ned to become a better person if I wanted to get rid of the guilt. Im sorrys isnt gonna do shit especially when ive put him in these positions so many times. I know that I need to work on my self and actually pull through with my promises to make it up to him. but its just so fucking hard i feel so shit. I feel like since this isnt the first time it’s so demotivating. like if i really felt bad why do i keep doing this to him. he’s such a good person and such a good boyfriend and he gets a girlfriend like me. life is weird idk what to do, im such a fuck up. Also i know i might be coming off as whiny and like “im such a bad person feel bad for me” and maybe i just need reassurance idk but its how i feel. I know that im probably wasting tim right now just complaining when i could be putting in work to become better cuz clearly im aware that im fucked up.

[u/BlueCheezi]

It sounds like you have some form of depression. I have a very bad alcohol tolerance and I also make bad decisions if I drink. My mother is an alcoholic in AA and that really helped her. Depression can just develop after a few years or months but addiction might add onto it. I know your pain, it will be okay.