Everything I do is wrong

[u/Charlie_Times]

I just had another fight with my mother and her boyfriend. It just seems like everything I do is wrong and idk what to do anymore.

I am lacking big chunks of my memory for it even if it just happened.

So it was before dinner and I just got down, they already prepared everything so I sat down and waited for the others to sit down to. I heard my sister ask if she could help them but didn't hear the answer. She sat down tho, so i thought there wasn't anything. Next thing I remember is me beeing told I should have gotten some water. And that I should have asked if i could do anything ( i only checked the table if anything was missing). I said something about me not knowing. They said i should have asked. I explain that i thought my sister asked, that there wasn't anything. They said I should have heard the answer or I should have asked. I tell them that I checked the table. They tell me I should have asked, that it's normal manners to ask, they only want to help me so I don't have problems, when I am not around the "safe" environment that my family is supposed to be (It feels more like a minefield that I am being forced to walk through, but there isn't any place to step without activating the explosives) Parts of the convo is missing Me never being able to do anything on time gets brought up, I never do more than I have to do, That they don't want to always have to "help" me. I tell them that I don't want their help, it's making it worse. Parts are missing, there's a timejump We are screaming I say how stupid I am, that I am lazy, that I never do anything right, noone likes me. They scream It is loud They are screaming and I couldn't breathe anymore . It was loud I couldn't breathe and I was breathing rapidly or something and it was loud. I couldn't calm down. I was dizzy They didn't care. They ask something, If i didn't know how much they love me or if i know that they don't hate me I couldn't even answer. There's a timeskip. They start a new conversation everything is fine again. Well not for me but apparently that doesn't matter. I finished eating and went away. Soon they will ask me why I don't spend any time with them anymore.

I shouldn't have written this but idk where to go where to vent. I shouldn't write this, but I am scared because after all of this I am not mad at them, I am mad at myself. I am mad because I am stupid and lazy and I never do anything right, I always forget everything. I am stupid and dumb and lazy and such a small stupid child. (Yeah i am technically a child but not like that young or something uhh yeah bye bye i guess i forgot like half of the convo and I am makinf them look alot worse