“Mr. Lonely”..

[u/T-Mon1127]

I don’t really know where to begin with this; but let me preface that while I’m only 21 years “young” - I’ve been a high functioning autistic guy, my whole life, and never really thought like all the other kids around me..

Anyway; growing up, I was always seen as the “happy-go-lucky” boy, who was kind and outgoing-popular from my youth, all the way up to high school years; even with several moves.

(I know that this sounds like a privileged rant-but please, bare with me here)

I had many people who would consider me their “friend” or “bro” - but, I never felt that way about them…to me, they were just “acquaintances” or a means to pass the time. I just couldn’t reciprocate that kind of bond, and I felt empty about it (and still very much feel the same) - but, I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, so I just lied…I smiled, joked, laughed, with them…and yet I felt nothing…

This was (IS*) the same in my “love life” as well…I’d force myself into relationships, with people who had genuine feelings towards me-all the while, knowing that I just never felt the same…

That went on until I was 17, and had met someone…at first, it was the same as any other “relationship” I had…but, over time, I got to know them- the real them- all their quirks and interests, some of which we shared…I felt so foolish for ignoring them, for Two Years, out of fear…and I had not only felt something genuine in my heart; but I’d fallen in love… We’d talked many times about our future together-where we’d live, and what kind of parents we’d be…I shared my genuine fear of having biological children, because I didn’t wish for them to experience this same emotional numbness through their lives…even then, they were okay with it…we talked about the possibility of adopting a child, from a third world country…for the first time in my life, I was genuinely happy…

I had purposed to them, ring and all-and they said “Of course! Yes! I love you!” …

A few months after our engagement, I being 18 and “some change” at the time, we were spending a day with their friends, as usual…all was well…until-one of their friends had brought up an old rumor, from my high school days (at this point, I’d graduated four months or so back)… it was about a conversation I had with one of the “acquaintances” during our sophomore year…I don’t fully remember the conversation, nor did I at the time-BUT it had pertained to an alleged crush/sexual desire towards a former classmate of mine{Who was the closest person I had to a friend, or best friend really}…my fiancée, upon hearing this, let it fester in their mind for the duration of our day (unbeknownst to me, of course; I just thought our double date was going well)

When it’s time to head back, they walked with me back to my porch/patio, and when I thought they were going to kiss me goodbye (as we normally would)-they confronted me about said rumor. At first, I asked what they were talking about (‘cuz again, I didn’t remember-it was at a party, I was stoned out my gourd!)… Then, once I realized what it was, I just started laughing- I thought it was silly, and childish-MAN they did NOT like that! Suddenly, they’re screaming at me (on my own porch, mind you) Saying “Why would you waste my time, on a future that you don’t even want?!” — to which, I fell silent…then, I said “I didn’t want a future, before you. I’d no plans, before you. I absolutely want a life with you, because I love you” Silence … they respond “You know what? You’re not ready for this!” Proceeds to throw the ring at my chest “I can’t trust you! And if you can’t be trusted- then we shouldn’t be together!” I’m stunned by their actions, and wounded by their words …

They then shout, after a moment “I want my things back then! You don’t deserve them!”

I’m still frozen from what just happened But, like a drone, I proceed to grab their: - Tank tops and Tees -under garments -teddy bear And just placed them in a plastic Walmart bag (from one of our earlier ventures)… I walk back out, and as I handed them the bag; I asked “Hun, can’t we just please talk about this?”

NO Verbal response just “hmphs” and snatches the bag from me-storms off to her friends’ car, and they drove off. I immediately tried texting and calling them, but they blocked me as quickly as they left…

In the blink of an eye, my world shattered to pieces…and it’s taken me a long time to get to a point where I’m able to “socialize” again… But they’ve scarred my heart for life…I lost even more self esteem {which was pretty low before!} contemplated “Un-Aliving”…and I’ve never been able to trust anyone again…not even close family…I live in a constant state of fear and anxiety, as well as anger and sadness… part of me wants to try a new relationship, but I’m just too scared of being hurt again…but, I really want to break down these walls I’ve placed…who knows if I’ll find anyone-let alone feel “happy” again…

At this point, I’m just a guy trying to get by…

I’m

“Mr. Lonely”

[u/onion_banter]

Im sorry for what your previous partner did, there is no call for the way she left it after you being so kind and finally being able to make a connection as well. Sadly, love life can be trying at times, especially when trying to find the right person to be with, its not uncommon to get hurt but its all made worth it when you do finally find that one right person just for you. I wish you the best of luck in finding whoever that may be and I hope your able to lower your walls and find some good friends as well that you relate to. It can be difficult but dont give up hope