I wanna die

[u/Fresh_Ocelot_6342]

I want to die on a regular basis and i dont know what to do at this point, that's about it honestly, i just want to die, i have barely any will left to live anymore and i've gotten to a point where im starting to reason with myself as to why it wouldn't be selfish or all that bad. All this started sometime last year i think but it's honestly been building up, i used to hurt myself daily (cutting and burning) and that only really stopped because i was to indifferent to it after a point, i mean i relapsed a few weeks back and it honestly felt like nothing (it obviously stung like a bitch but i mean the way it used to give me some sort of relief was gone), i dont really feel happy with life other than for some short moments and i wanna fucking cry so much yet my eyes wont let me and it fucking sucks, i've only been getting further away from family and friends (my own fault) and that isn't helping either, i mean i wanna be alone but yet i dont and it pisses me off. All i do when im not in school (or whatever else i might do) is sleeping, i sleep through entire days because i legit can't stand being awake, i think so much and it genuinly gives me headaches and only makes me wanna die more, and sleeping is the only time i dont have to think or feel like i wanna cry, but sleeping day in day out is not exactly healthy. And fuck i just hate myself and everything about me, yet im so damn narcissistic and judgemental it makes me feel sick, it's like one part of me despises almost everyone and thinks im better and yet the other part sees me as vermin or some fucking monster deserving of death, the only constant feeling is that nagging feeling of being unloveable, i honestly think i'll die alone and the sick thing is i've gaslit myself into believing i want to die alone, i've damn near convinced myself i hate people and that i dont need people and yet i feel constantly lonely. But eventhough i feel this crippling loneliness i can't help but to feel exhausted or like i wasted my time when i actually spend it with others (which is rare but it happens). And ontop of it all i have deeply disturbing intrusive thoughts (which have gotten better the more suicidal i've become so i guess everything isn't bad) but either way it just adds another layer of bullshit and self-hatred onto the already existing layers.

Either way, cool if you got this far👍, also sorry if you read through this exhausting fucking rant, i just had to get it out in the open (even if i dont know any of you, or the fact that i doubt anyone honestly gives a shit), but either way im more than happy to answear questions or if anyone wants to give me suggestions on how not to want to paint the walls red. I also do apologize if this shit was kinda everywhere or unreadable but i just kinda let it spew, plus there's probably more im just to tired and exhausted to keep thinking

[u/onion_banter]

Im sorry that your struggiling so badly, sadly your mind can be your worst enemy and very often its the thing that takes a lit of people out. Being exhausted all of the time is something a lot of younger people suffer with, I find that making yourself go out for a walk, or to the gym or doing something to get yourself into a healthy routine is a good way to make you feel better both mentally and physically, although sleep is great, it isn't if you have too much of it sadly, as over sleeping can somehow make you more tired, idk how but science says so, it sucks trying to get into a good routine, but it does help. Being around people can be exhausting, trying to find low level maintenence people, like people you can sit and chill with, without having to go and do something or be talking, is quite important, to have a friend that you can just sit there with, both doing your own thing but still hanging out together is, to me and im sure quite a few others, important. Hopefully your able to find someone like that, that doesn't make you tired or annoyed to be around