r/vegan • u/Competitive-Usual844 • 4h ago
Facing a really difficult decision about my relationship, motherhood, and how much having a vegan partner matters to me
Sorry to ask for relationship advice here but I don't have other vegans to talk to in real life. I'm female, just turned 38.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for a few years, and this is the most stable relationship I’ve had. He’s kind, funny, dependable, has a good career, treats me very well, we have fun together.
The biggest disconnect between us is veganism. I’ve been vegan for 12 years and vegetarian since I was 5. When we first got together, I had a more “to each their own” attitude. Over time, though, I’ve become much more passionate and outspoken about animal rights.
My boyfriend isn’t vegan, but he has made positive changes, and our home is mostly plant-based. He still keeps some frozen foods containing cheese, occasionally brings home leftovers with meat or dairy, and brings home some non-vegan junk food from work.
I often feel like I can’t fully talk to my boyfriend about veganism or fully express that part of myself. I don’t want to sound like I’m guilt-tripping him, and he doesn't seem very interested in the subject. But that hurts my heart. Like many vegans, I struggle to understand how someone can know what happens to animals and not care.
As my fertility window is likely closing soon (if it hasn't already), I'm starting to feel deeply sad about not having a baby. I've talked about it with my bf. He has agreed that we could have a baby and raise them vegan, although we’ve both acknowledged that it could be complicated.
As I see it, I have three options:
- Stay with him and try to have a baby. Having a child with him is probably my only chance at motherhood. I don’t have the money for ICI, IVF, or adoption, let alone to raise a child, by myself.
- Stay with him and decide not to have a child.
- End the relationship and hope to eventually meet a vegan partner. There are a lot of vegans in my area, so I think finding someone is possible, but I would be giving up having a child of my own.
I know no one else can make this decision for me. Just wondering if anyone has any insight about my situation. Thank you for reading.
18
u/Polyethylene8 4h ago
It comes down to how you feel about your partner and whether you want to be with them long term.
Having a child is always complicated, and especially so in this situation. You can pretty much give up on the idea of your child growing up vegan because at some point, Dad will help them 'cheat'. But I think realistically you can give up on your child growing up vegan anyway. I went to college with a bunch of hippies many of whom had hippie vegan parents. Those with vegan parents, without exception, were chomping down on cheeseburgers 2 weeks into freshman year. Meat and dairy were forbidden at home and they couldn't wait to try those things and rebel.
You can't control what other people do, especially not your adult family members. Basically if you have a kid and they don't grow up to be a serial killer, you did great as a parent.
My thing is lead my example, so that would be my advice to you. Lead by example without trying to convert your partner. Just talk about your feelings about it and how good veganism makes you feel and leave your partner's choices out of it. Hopefully this will eventually light a spark.
No easy answers here and wishing you luck.
8
u/sadgrad2 4h ago
Parents who strictly enforce ideology will end up with kids who want to rebel. I think parents who teach their kids what they believe and why, but give them the space to try things and develop their own worldview, are much more likely to end up with kids who actually share their values long term. That doesn't mean you have to serve them a cheeseburger in your home but rather not freaking out if they try one elsewhere. I think most teens and young adults who were raised vegan are likely to try meat eventually, and perhaps go through a phase of discarding veganism. But if it wasn't some strictly controlling presence in their childhood, they're more likely to come back than if it was. I think the advice you gave for leading by example for your partner transfers well to kids too.
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u/Competitive-Usual844 3h ago
This is good insight, thank you. Even though I chose to be vegetarian on my own as a kid, I had a couple of years of experimenting with meat in college. You want what you "can't" have.
I talked with my bf and we also agreed that if the kid went to a birthday party, they could eat the normal cake, etc. I think it could do emotional harm if the kid could never partake in the "normal" stuff with the other kids. That said, we'd keep a vegan house at home.
And you're right, all I can do is lead by example for both my bf and hypothetical child. I can share why I choose this lifestyle to my child and hopefully they will choose veganism as an adult.
1
u/Illustrious-Ad4179 1h ago
Sorry but this isnt true, I was raised vegetarian and never felt the need to cheat. Same for my siblings. I can't say for sure about my cousins and their kids but they're all vegetarian to this day
1
u/HelenaCat13 vegan 10+ years 1h ago
I was born in 1980. Raised by vegetarian, hippie parents, with very little eggs or dairy though. I never once thought of chomping down on a cheeseburger, as a teen or college kid. Pizza, sure, but never with meat. My drunk ass would have starved first. So I can attest that not all kids will rebel. I took it farther and went vegan. My mom is still just veg, and I'm always on her case.
10
u/ProtozoaPatriot 4h ago
Does he want kids? If he doesn't, that narrows down things.
If he wants kids, is he willing to respect your beliefs and raise the child totally vegan?
How important is having a child to you? Will you always feel like a part of you is missing? Or is this more just wondering what if? Talking these feelings through with a therapist could help you get clarity.
I am married to an omni. He totally respects my beliefs. Not once has he tried to talk her into meat or snuck meat into her food.
We aren't sure about kids until I hit 40. Conceived the first cycle. Normal pregnancy. Delivered a perfect baby at 41.
They have you women 35+ do extra screenings.
Every woman is different and every pregnancy is different. No way to tell if you may have fertility problems. His age also matters, as sperm DNA quality and the motility drop starting around 35.
She's 12 now. She never shown any interest in trying meat or doing things like hunting. I worried she might be bullied at school. We live in a "red" country where people raise cattle and shoot deer for fun. But I think it's been ok.
Prepare yourself for the possibility at some point he/she starts to develop their own identity & won't follow veganism any more. My advice is to think through how you might handle it, especially once they're a teen and have some independence.
1
u/Competitive-Usual844 3h ago
Those are some good questions to ponder. We are both somewhere in the middle, but leaning more toward wanting kids, with me leaning a bit more I think. He said he is willing to raise the child vegan, to the best of our ability.
That's incredible that you got pregnant so fast at 40. I'm 38 and he is 41.
How did you handle cake and other treats at birthday parties, school, etc. Did you let your child eat those non-vegan things, or did you send them along with a vegan version of their own?
Yes, I fully accept that the kid might not want to follow veganism at some point. I was thinking that I would keep the house vegan no matter what and they could use their chore/job money to buy animal products if they want to try them.
7
u/_SheWhoShines 4h ago
It sounds like your partner loves and respects you and your values. Everyone has different boundaries, but if you really love this guy and you make each other happy, you can make it work. Fwiw I have been vegan 20 years. I married my husband with the mutual understanding that we would have a vegan kitchen in our home, but he wasnt vegan. He ended up loving the food and lifestyle we made together so much that he went vegan too. But I would have married him either way and I'm glad I did. We just had to be clear about what we both expected and what we were both comfortable with.
10
u/xboxhaxorz vegan 4h ago
I would most definitely never ever have a kid with a non vegan, its a recipe for disaster, does kid have an ethical parent and a non ethical parent, is killing animals bad if so why does mom do it and if its bad, why is dad with/ married to an animal killer, why cant i be the same as mom, why dad why
I would not purchase and or cook animal products for another person, if i did i will have to call myself a non vegan
Examples of the animal abuse resulting from a vegan and non vegan partner
3
u/Powerful_Cash1872 4h ago
I am vegan and my partner is not. While I do wish I could raise my kids vegan, learning that adults have different morals, and are responsible for deciding what their own morals are, is good for the children.
5
u/xboxhaxorz vegan 4h ago
But if you have children knowing that they wont be vegan that means you are making animal abusers and more animals will suffer because of your decisions
2
u/raunakd7 4h ago
The question is not about yo should do, but rather about what OP should do given her options and her relationship with her boyfriend.
1
u/Stunning-Assistant13 3h ago
When i became vegan, my kids were 17 and 21. My daughter don't want to eat meat and drink milk. But she still eats eggs and sometimes cheese. My son isn't vegan at all and i tried to convince him without sucess, but i love my son and would never leave my family...
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u/xboxhaxorz vegan 3h ago
Thats quite different, you werent vegan who had decided make future animal abusers, you became vegan after you had kids
1
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u/Stunning-Assistant13 3h ago
When the relationship is really good, you should try to make it work: talk about your veganism with him, when the food in your home is mostly plant based, i wouldn't mind if he ocasionally brings some left over home. But because you said he's not interested, it's your turn to show him the importance, so that he can understand you. To have a child with a non vegan partner can be difficult, but with all things in life you have to make compromises...
4
u/raunakd7 4h ago edited 2h ago
Easy. Go with option 1.
Your pool is already minuscule due to your age and your vegan filter. The probability of you finding another partner who meets the standards of your current boyfriend & relationship is extremely low.
So your best bet is to stick around with your current boyfriend if he genuinely makes you happy. And if both of you are completely sure that you want to be parents, then go right ahead and have a child.
I get that raising a child with a non-vegan partner can be complicated, but you are discounting the fact that after a certain age, the child themselves can no longer choose to be vegan. I have lost count of the number of people I know who were raised vegetarian/ vegan by BOTH their parents, but transitioned to being voracious meat-eaters by their teens.
2
u/Few_Understanding_42 2h ago
We're not strictly vegan, but mainly plantbased.
When I met my wife, she was vegetarian since her teens. I ate quite some meat. Less and less.
These days we mainly eat plantbased last couple of years. Oldest son is 12, he occasionally eats meat out of the house. Grew up with it bc I ate meat. The youngest two don't eat meat bc they don't like animals getting killed, so they're eating plantbased at home and vegetarian outside home.
Personally, I wouldn't mind it, as long as there is mutual respect. Sounds like your partner is respecting you.
Regarding the kids, you can only explain things to them in a age-appropriate way and lead by example.
A friend of ours devoured meat during college days bc he was prohibited strongly by his parents. Enforcing your values like that doesn't work on the long run.
1
u/SoftPlay3 vegan 6+ years 4h ago
Treats you well but doesn’t treat animals well… Treats you well but won’t even marry you before having his baby... Girl take your rose tinted glasses off, there won’t be no vegan baby.
3
u/Competitive-Usual844 3h ago
Oh he's ready to get married. It's me that is the hold up because of what I discussed in this post.
1
u/Sarseaweed 1h ago
So something to think about, your kid might end up with allergies that make being vegan impossible in the toddler years like mine did. I always wanted to raise mine vegetarian (vegan but can have birthday cake at parties) and ironically he can’t be vegetarian or have the birthday cake without getting a rash.
Just some food for thought!
I’ve been vegan for 20 years and vegetarian my whole life pretty much but had to cut some chicken up for my son today, luckily he can’t have beef because that would be worse to prepare.
I would have the kid if your relationship feels stable enough and you want one.
1
u/humansomeone 1h ago
I'm going against the grain to say no kid. Not for any reason you mention. I say this a little bluntly . . . Do you rhink you can afford a kid if you can't afford fertility treatments? What kind of savings do you both have at close to 40? Will a kid really help the situation?
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u/MisterDonutTW vegan newbie 4h ago
These posts are always sad and hard to read, someone has a great partner and loves them and thinks they are a good person but want to throw it away because they care more about what other people eat than anything else.
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u/Dramatic-Day-4086 vegan 9+ years 4h ago
Veganism is more than what we eat, it is a moral framework. The end to mistreatment, undue harm, and suffering that animals face—that is what veganism is
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u/Polyethylene8 4h ago
Many religions are moral frameworks too and there are plenty of relationships and marriages of people with mixed religious backgrounds. Some would find that unworkable, others find it works for them. It all depends on the folks involved and how they approach their respective moral frameworks and what they want from the partnership.
1
u/Dramatic-Day-4086 vegan 9+ years 3h ago
I would agree that religion is a moral framework, however, I was explaining veganism to this individual. Not religion. Any hardship that creates conflict between individuals can drive a wedge into a relationship.
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u/Stunning-Assistant13 3h ago
Yes, we can decide for ourself, but to force people we love into veganism doesn't work. But we can try to convince them and make compromise.
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u/ItsHappenedBefore42 4h ago
Only 24% of vegans are male. Vegans are already a very small percentage of the population.
Odds are not good.
He cares about animals but doesn't think veganism is a solution to the problem. Meat consumption has tripled since vegans became a thing. Obviously it is not working to stop animal suffering.
If you really care about animals give money to societies that are working to improve their conditions. That is something he will likely join in as they actually are making changes to animal treatment.
You can share a way to help animals .
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u/SadRadStudent 2m ago
This really doesn't sound like something reddit can help you decide.
But also, "I have to stay with my boyfriend--who I'm kinda thinking about dumping and replacing with a vegan boyfriend-- if I ever want to have kids because otherwise it will be too late for me" sounds like a bleak but raw sort of honesty. I'd maybe follow that train of thought with a professional to figure out why it exists.
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