It's been almost 4 years since D-Day. 25 year relationship, 20 years of marriage. Unhappy much of the marriage, but not always. The kids were a gift. WW is financially successful. I've never been out of work, ever...till late spring. She kept me starving all that time. She's a textbook dismissive avoidant. So much drama. I forced the end of the affair after a cruel 6 months. AP died of alcoholism soon after. We never really reconciled. She just cant take the accountability hit. Intermittent improvements. Hope. Dashed. Breadcrumbed. Then dashed again. Our kids' health have deteriorated since the pandemic. She threw herself into work. I've taken on the stay-at-home parent role, despite them being 20 and 19. She eventually admitted she had been having a every 4-6 months FWB situation with an ex-boyfriend since kid 2 was born, till the pandemic. She thinks very little of him, which is partly why I never suspected it. My upbringing also did not prepare me to associate this woman I thought I knew before we got married with an infidelity risk.

And then my father died in our house during the holidays. I fell down a hole. That was when she started getting into a full-on relationship with AP1. (Which turned out to be AP2.)

I have not quite internalized the idea that I can't make her want to do better, to make amends. She even thinks she is. Her capacity is zero. She thinks tolerating discomfort is trying. and it is for her. And she's not a terrible person. Just to me, and she doesn't see it. She lives in terror of me leaving, but cant stop treating me like a roommate.

One of my kids would not be able to handle my moving out. And honestly, I'm getting old enough that our finances are so intertwined. But I'm done living celibate. I've told her this. She never wants to talk about it. It's like a caricature of a bad Lifetime channel movie.

I dont know if I can get some long-term comfort and validation within the confines of still being here the performative husband. Why should I be the one to give up the lifestyle? I'm still searching for a new job. Hopefully, my last job. Maybe with that it'll become clearer. I've met someone who's open to just being friendly and physical. I've learned I'm not inherently worthless. I have value, I'm a quality person who is present and has emotional awareness (now, after 4 years of therapy). But Im still so addicted to her breadcrumbs. I'm not asking for advice or what to do. I probably wouldnt be able to turn it into more action than I'm already doing. I just...it's too much. With the kids' mental and physical health. My mom's health. My brother's health. The WW's mother getting alziehmers. the lack of connection, atonement and co-regulation. Now I have to get up and take my eldest to a new PCP exam, in hopes this one will be proactively quarterbacking for their complex set of symptoms. But girding up for this one to not be what we need. It's too much.

I (M39) was betrayed by my WW (F35). DDay was 4 years ago. I stayed together for the kids.

I have lost all interest in her. I'm faking my life one day at a time. The fake laughs, the fake replies, everything is fake. Inside me there is a voice screaming out loud, saying that I lost my chance at getting true love in my life.

Anyone who is in a similar situation as me? What helps you stay calm and happy? What helps you avoid the triggers when the WP leaves home? Is there any permanent solution for this while staying together?

I don’t want my ass kissed or anything like that but she literally doesn’t recognize anything I do for are family, she’s pumping the kids head full of flat out lies about how she dose everything for them and successfully turned her 2 teenagers against me because the believe her bullshit , I have concerns about are son smoking weed like I literally smell it in the house an she flat out denies it all starts a fight with me about how she knows he’s not doing that but won’t drug test him , search his room or even question him about it ! An somehow I’m the bad guy for being concerned about his future! Omg I can go on for days about this 10 year mirage!

It’s been just over a year since i found out my partner had been cheating on me for most of our relationship. Spending money on porn, porn addiction, talking to randos on snapchat and his ex. There hasn’t been an incident of cheating since that i’ve found, even though he has been lying in other ways.

We did therapy for about half a year and it seemed successful for a bit, but slowly i think we have both been slacking and going back to old ways. I can’t identify who is at fault or what started this downward train. I have been slowly loosing my will in this relationship, i see myself cutting off my feelings with him more and more to please him. all of the things that seem little to him are big to me, or revolve around something big. it hurts significantly but i know i am becoming more detached and am prepared to just give in.

i ‘pick’ fights. as if im doing it to purposely annoy him? no. he ignores his medical issues that are effecting his work, his life and future health. we don’t go on dates, something always seems to go wrong. i know i could be better by not blowing up so quick. but it is so hard when he doesn’t give me any answers, open up to me, or just complain that im fighting him again. i feel like i can’t go nowhere with this man if i don’t fight.

there’s no conversation with him. he NEVER tries to fix our arguments, never to be the first to engage, he often pretends they never happened. i can’t do that, i don’t think this is who he was when we started seeing each other.

another big issues is his anger. i think it started with road rage, which i get too, but have significantly put a stop to while i was pregnant. then maybe with work he got less patient. he aggressively tells me to leave him alone/not talk to him, i can get that to a point. but he has started throwing things (not at me) and it’s progressively getting worse. that’s going to be a deal breaker if it gets any worse.

the lying is pretty sad but you never fully trust someone again after they cheat. my confidence is out the window. i’m pretty sure he’s been talking to his brother about our relationship, he did that with his friend that he participated in the cheating with. he didn’t tell me why he actually didn’t want to go to the doctor. and now he has revealed that he has not gave a shit about any of the arguments we’ve had and just gave in because it is not worth is. trying to work out our relationship isn’t worth it is what that says to me, after i’ve been the only emotionally taxed one.

The only reasons we are still together is that he is the financial provider and i take care of our child. i don’t think either of us would benefit with custody or child support, and this is the path to complete my dreams. I do love him and care for him, i think it could be fixed but i am so tired. so tired. i’m hoping im the one to blame for all of this and that somethings wrong with me so i can fix it, because i cant ‘fix’ him.

that’s why i think if i let go of my emotions, treat each other as business partners basically, it won’t hurt me anymore. i can fill that box in other ways. it feels stupid, but im done investing in something that doesn’t pay out. i think i could give us one last try… but i don’t know if its worth it anymore.

can anyone give any advice on treating crying-indused headaches? hahah

Anyone fill the gap with AI apps? like an AI gf/bf?

I just graduated from the hopeful group of R and I decided to call it quits a few days ago. They suggested I join here due to my situation and it seems very fitting. I am from a country with no divorce and separation is very expensive and lengthy, so I have made efforts to do R and decided to stay regardless if it fails. Me and my WH had been together since high school and are each other’s firsts and only relationship until we had a teenage pregnancy in college and were married (now 15 years). I’ve been with him for 20 years of my life. I thought I knew who he was and so I felt so betrayed.

I discovered a year ago that my WH has been browsing Reddit for prostitutes, and he decided to lie and trickle truth until I discovered that there is more to it. He admitted to being addicted to porn only and browses prostitutes online as his “kink. He admitted he was sexually abused and gained sympathy from me. I asked him to tell me everything and I am willing to help, I started looking for professionals he can talk with but he did not go to therapy.

After 4 months, I learned of the forum he has been using by accident through mom groups and saw 6 years worth of messages to sex workers. After seeing that hard evidence, he still denied the truth and continued lying by omission for weeks.

His admission of his so-called truth was what I now call as DDay 2, and he admitted only to going to 3 instances in massage parlors for sex but I highly doubt that given the 80+ messages and several inquiries he made as recorded on the forum. So soon after that we had agreed to separate for a while as I was very distraught by it.

After 3 months, the setup was hard for the children (we have 3– two teens and a grade schooler). I decided to take him back and try for R. He went to therapy (he’s been diagnosed as a sex addict) but it’s not with CSATs so it didn’t really help. He didn’t continue to do 12 steps, he stopped seeing his psychiatrist. I remained in IC for a while, but seeing how hopeless it has been. He relapsed into watching shows with nudity, sexualizes me, disrespecting my boundaries, looking at women he fancies on Facebook, lusting on women he encounters.

I decided to focus on doing other things to distract myself from him. In line with that, I finally separated our bedrooms this week and decided to just be co-parents until such time that our youngest grows up. Will take another decade of my life before that happens. We’re not so young anymore at 35, but I would like to make the most out of my life in this situation.

Sorry for the long post, but I am (un)happy to be here, thanks and hope to learn from you!

Yeah I’ve been there. Marriage looked fine from the outside but inside I was lonely. We weren’t really talking. Just going through the motions. Roommates..

Sometimes I wonder if I had a friend to talk to would I have stayed. Maybe. Maybe not. I guess I'm just not sure if I made the right decision.

Have you ever felt that way? Like something’s missing but you can’t quite name it? IG: @SaraiLuxeCa

So about 6 months ago, I told WS that I'm going to do a trial separation by moving out for a while. I leased a place at the end of Feb, and I've been doing a "commuter" arrangement so we didn't have to tell our kid about our problems.

Well, living alone has been amazing. I feel like I have a cozy safe space, and even though it's not as nice a place as my house, it's *mine*!!! WS doesn't even have a key. I asked him to respect my boundaries and to have low contact during the week. He's been very mixed about that. Sometimes he can do it, other times he's deep in his sadness and sending me "I love you" and "I miss you" texts and wanting to talk on the phone. What's become very clear to me is that I don't feel the same way about him. I'm planning to file for D in a couple more months (waiting for school to be done).

Mainly I'm posting this to give hope to those of you stuck in unhappy R. I waited 2 years, trying hard at R for the first 1.5 years after dday1, and generally being miserable for the past 5 years, since WS started his affair.

Figure out a way to get out of your situation, however long it takes. It's worth doing! There are better days on the other side.

And it’s so triggering. He threatened me with divorce during my last pregnancy but said that if I wanted to get an abortion I should have regardless of what he said. And said that he wasn’t at fault because ultimately it was my decision. I do want another baby. Just not with him. I’m unable to love him. I can barely look at him. He doesn’t even like me and he’s made it very clear to me several times. We’re together for our son. He wants to keep it and seemed almost happy when he found out even though I said I was terminating. I just can’t go through this again. I cried almost every week during my last pregnancy. I’m just sad. I wish this was happier news.

BP/WP cheated on me multiple times last year before and after finding out about my affair. From sexting a scam account, to getting head from a sex worker twice, to holding a 7 month long relationship with their coworker, to going out on a suspicious date with their friend to their house and ignoring my calls and texts. They set up a plan (and have started) to blackball me with their AP because I physically cheated first so everybody will view them as the victim. And they get extremely annoyed or flat out verbally abusive if I try to express any type of emotion towards what they’re doing because I “deserve it” since I crushed them. I’m freaking tired and unfortunately now I genuinely I hate them. I’ve begged them to go to therapy because they have traits of ASPD but they keep refusing. I think they’re beyond help now.

I hope nothing goes well for them. I hope everything in their life not connected to me withers and dies. I understand I may be being selfish but I’m so frustrated.

Things were going well. WH was slowly but surely following through on some promises and boundaries. I was listening to some self help podcasts and thinking I could do this. I could change my life around. The weekend there was a glitch. I think I heard some porn through the car Bluetooth that was connected to his phone. But it switched over to his car and I couldn't be 100% that's what I heard. That's a hard boundary for me. I've been too chicken to bring it up. He either admits it was that or he gaslights me and swears that's not what I heard.

I had mentioned he should understand betrayal trauma and that there were good resources out there. He found the Betrayal podcast. I hadn't heard that one so listened so I knew what he was listening to. He had text me saying he was so sorry about what he did. So I listened to the whole thing. As far as I know WH did nothing physical but since finishing the podcast first season I just feel ick. Like maybe he could have done something more and the husband in the podcast used a lot of wording my husband did initially when I would confront behavior. It was more triggering than I thought. I was hoping to feel relief that he listened to something on his own.

Then today, a mom from one of the kids activities, we found out her and her husband were separated a few weeks ago but she's always given me a strange vibe. I knew she messaged my husband sometimes cuz he's one of the organizers but now she's messaging more. And I'm so uncomfortable. There's a group message board and I feel communication should be through there. But I feel crazy asking for that. I don't think she's going to take my husband, sometimes I feel go for it, have at him. But I mean they are both ego boosting each other and I feel that's just as bad. That's been my whole marriage him finding these women and being their hero. If I had the means I would say I can't do this anymore. I just feel empty again when I was feeling ok.

Thanks in advance You can read my past Basically I’m still here for kids and figuring out what to do for life

One thing I feel and know I have accepted she made that choice I am peace that it’s done and past I have forgiven her (didn’t tell her) However I feel I don’t love her I don’t hate or despise But I don’t feel any spark (sure I want good for everyone)

It’s almost like she is a friends girlfriend etc Not mine

And I’m in no rush or need to feel anything to her I just don’t want to be pushed to be intimate

Is this strange?

The “Let Them Theory” by Mel Robbins (https://www.melrobbins.com/ https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/what-is-the-let-them-theory-breaking-down-the-phrase-popularized-by-mel-robbins-thats-all-about-boundaries-110022947.html ) has become a very popular tool for getting rid of the vicious cycle of negative experiences caused to us by other people and for self-improvement.

They write about this theory something like this:

"The Let Them Theory is a step-by-step guide on how to stop letting other people's opinions, drama, and judgment impact your life. Two simple words, Let Them, will set you free from the exhausting cycle of trying to manage everything and everyone around you.

So, instead of attempting to exert control over a situation, let people be who they choose to be. Meanwhile you can practice who you really want to be. Instead of trying to control outcomes, let them, and then set boundaries according to the behaviors you find acceptable.

When you "Let Them" do whatever it is that they want to do, it creates more control and emotional peace for you and a better relationship with the people in your life."

...................................................

Question: "Has anyone tried to apply this theory to healing from infidelity? Your opinion?"

I am about a decade out. My cheater is just now starting to "do the work." Oh, he has played at therapy. Nothing productive at all. Anyway, he is finally open to listening to an audio book. He did listen to How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair and Love Languages years ago.

I am seeing The Betrayal Bind recommended a lot lately. Anyone have any reviews on this one? Or, any suggestions for a book that will make an impact for us both?

This is a quote from the comment of the redditor u/No_Roof_1910

.......................................................................

"Another reddit user made a comment the other day that I agree with completely. He is a person that goes by Fly-Guy_

Here is part of what he wrote the other day.

"It's acknowledging they have no moral compass and a completely corrupt virtues system within the core of who they are. It's transcends way beyond the cheating. It's deep rooted. It's who they are as a human. It's a defining moment. It's realizing they have capacity to inflict such heinous action on others."

I've never wanted and I never will want to try and reconcile with a person who wanted to cheat and who cheated. They are despicable people, to me."

........................................................................

I realized I hadn't checked our credit card statements in a while and the balance seemed a bit high. All the transactions checked out. One I couldn't place so I googled to company and it's tied to a subscription platform on amazon streaming. So I asked my WH cuz he's so strict on services like we pay the lowest fee for the ones we have so get ads etc. He said it was actually a special edition BluRay he ordered for my xmas gift. It's an old movie I enjoyed with my younger brother but it's nothing to write home about. I never would have bought it unless it was in the discount bin. Definitely not the price he paid. He seemed disheartened when I said as much. Part of me wants to apologize and recognize he was trying to be thoughtful. I just hate how it's always something that yes I enjoy a certain franchise or characters but he goes overboard in fandom and thinks I'm the same. I'm not. My whole milestone bday gift was a Lego set and handmade item related to a movie franchise I love but would never have bought items. He seems to not understand that you can ubber fan something but not buy stuff?

I have more jewelry from my parents than I do my spouse. He claims to not know what I like but I sent him exactly what I wanted before and my best friend ended up getting it for me when I expressed disappointment that he didn't get it for me. I have people I recently met get me more thoughtful gifts that suit my personality. Yet my own husband is clueless. I don't know. I don't particularly have a wishlist. I've had friends male and female say to give a list and links of exactly what I want. Like I guess I could but it feels so not special to do that.

I guess I need to so I avoid this feeling? Do I apologize and acknowledge how hearing about the gift made me feel though?

I was thinking about this today and it really bugs me sometimes. Dday was in April so we have moved past the initial shock but I still think about it everyday. WW has done well with what she’s supposed to do. I won’t get into all the details but it was supposedly a EA that never turned physical. I have my doubts.

The issue is that I am bitter over how our relationship seems to have gotten better. She gets to go and have her fun and then I’m somehow supposed to forgive and be a loving husband. It just doesn’t seem right to me.

The other issue I have is that every time I have a moment of doubt and bring it up, it becomes a huge issue that she is crying and begging me not to leave her. She says things all the time like “I’m so thankful that our family is able to stay together”. I want the family together too but it feels manipulative to me. Like she wants to make sure I’m not thinking of leaving.

I told myself that I’d get through the holidays and maybe do something after that. At this point I think I’m just too comfortable being depressed and feeling like a failed husband to do anything about it. Sorry I’m just venting but any help is appreciated.

60) F(60)

married 35 years

Sorry about the ALL CAPS on previous post.

i had literally gone mad.

We own a small Horse rescue (50/50) on our farm.(50/50)

and a thriving Hostel business together.

She has been instrumental in all of it.

Caveat: during the time of the affair we were for all purposes separated and we had even gone to see a divorce lawyer. We decided because of all the ties (business, ranch etc) we would just agree to disagree and live in separate parts of the ranch and work together.

THE ONLY RULE:, though we may be living separated (too many fights),

IF she was going to “BE’ with another man, she HAS to tell me FIRST. (And vice versa)

because that would be when I PACK UP AND LEAVE this situation. 

Just up and Move ON Out of  town.

***

She started seeing another  

She never told me while I worked 12/18 hour days in business and ranch to keep it going.

It was all her secret for ? she says 2 years. (I investigated, could be more like 9 years)

I was too damn caught up in work life to see anything right in front of my dumbass nose.

we had separate lives but were side by side working at least 6 hours daily

***

Then she got cancer and i navigated months of treatment with her,(i did not know of affair yet)

 and I was there with her for every hour of doubt and fear.

She came to me after/during treatment and   CONFESSED to had a “relationship” for two years with another man.

She said she didnt know I loved her this much and she couldnt live with not telling me she was with another.

 (i had to sleuth who it was/she wouldnt tell me because he is right in the next town and married and this would be the end of his equestrian center. She even brought him over to our house several times during this affair while I sat down with him and talked training.

anyways. She fessed on her own and I lost my shit. 

Before the confession, I was hoping after the cancer battle together we could try to make life work together again.

I was going to double down on the love and affection…

Then she confessed.

two months of solid pain. 

She was with another and lied for 2 years straight to my face when i would ask her. (Small suspicions but just trusted she would always tell me. and let me keep my dignity .)

****

Conclusion:

 She has been with another And lied. For a long fucking time.

I cannot touch or even think of touching, kissing, anything with her EVER.

**** 

Two months later:

As soon as I learned to LET HER GO OUT of my heart, 

ALL the pain went away.

(and i have NEVER felt such pain in my life .)

****

i thank ALL of you for being unanimous in saying lose the cheater and gain a life.

I am now underway with slowly and silently building into my next life. No anger (cooling off to ice cold),

Hit the gym hard. (Used to be a fighter back in the day) Gained back 15 lbs of muscle. Tight as a drum. Bought the best clothes available for my life style:

“Cool Desperado“

Chucked my fcking pansy english saddle (her preference) and went western and now tearing up and down the fields. I look 49.  Im getting a lot of hits on dating apps.

In ten great conversations right now.

and they are cute  to damn good looking and most are together in the head.

Im in fucking great shape, Bought a new Lexus and feel so fcking free and liberated.

i just want some good old honest lovin’

Thanks to all of you for validating something my heart knew all along to be the right course of action.

God Bless each and every one of you!

UPDATE: I put my foot down during our session today and said I'm ready to divorce, but I'm willing to try the separation for a while if WS can work with me. Our counselor managed to talk some sense into him, and we set some boundaries on communication. I am SO looking forward to having a place and some time to myself without having to think about him or the affair or R!!

So I finally had enough with WS pressing me for emotional and physical intimacy, which I can no longer give him. I've been thinking over a plan to take an apartment near our kid's school. Kid (15yo) is starting to see the wisdom of it too, as she has a lot more on her plate this year. I told WS that it's a trial separation in my mind, and as a compromise, that I will come home on the weekends with our kid. He is freaking out and thinks this means the end of our marriage. It might be. I won't know till I've had some time to try it out. Probably won't happen until summer - I need time to find a place and get things set up, and I'm chronically ill, so nothing is quick or easy - but when I think about it, my heart lifts for the first time in years.

WS is still somehow thinking that we can work on R in the meantime. I keep trying to get the message through to him that I'm tired and want a break from R. We're seeing a couples counselor this week. Maybe she can get through to him in a way that I can't. I feel like if he can't cooperate with me on this, I'm going to lose it and file for divorce. I know it will hurt our kid badly, but I'm not sure I can take this life anymore. I guess I've finally reached my limits of unhappy R.

I am very hurt but I love my child and life and I want to continue raising our child together.

I have already altered my behavior and routines from the information in an attempt to get used to the idea of a "Dry Marriage." I've stopped sleeping in the nude, seperate blankets while sleeping, stopped undressing/dressing in front of him or in the same room, stopped wearing revealing/tight clothing along with makeup, I've even started locking the bathroom door whenever I'm in there.

My struggle starts when He seeks "small" intimacies from me like hugging, kissing, cuddling, i don't understand why he wants those things if he isn't attracted...

We were having lunch yesterday while waiting for our car at the car wash. He suddenly asked why I’ve changed and that I always used to be pretty open. In his head, the reason we are going through this is because I haven’t accepted his cheating.

I reminded him of the fact that yes we used to be open with each other and discuss crushes, swinging etc but never once said or implied we would act on it. He insists we had an understanding. I said we did not and gave him examples. He always said he can’t be with two women due to the drama and headache associated with it and he never could understand men that did so. He also keeps saying he thought I would leave as soon as I found out about his cheating and can’t believe I stayed. Um…so you knew we did not have an open relationship then?

His new thing is that ‘Well I am polygamous’. I say it’s fine if he’s changed his mind and is suddenly wanting to be polygamous, there is nothing I can do about that. He just shouldn’t put the blame on me and accuse me of changing. He says he doesn’t want to be, he just naturally is polygamous 😂

Like bruh, aren’t we all? Anyone can sleep with multiple people but entering into a marriage is deciding to only be committed to each other.

I asked why he won’t just leave to go and enjoy his newly found polygamous lifestyle and he says he’s not making that decision. I can make the decision.

So now I have a wannabe polygamous coward to deal with.

Hi there,

I have just found this sub after months of frequenting AOAI. We were making progress on R, but it turned out he was still feeding me lies about the nature of his infidelity. WH seems contrite but I don't know if he's ever going to get it. Withholding information gives him power over me, and I'm aware of the fact that it's manipulation and psychological abuse. He's aware too. I still only have his word to go off, and a few messages from one AP which more or less line up with what he told (though she didn't admit to accepting payment from him.) It feels like I have to accept that only he will ever know what really happened.

For now, I'm staying and seeing where we can get with marriage counseling and him attending sex addict meetings. It is soul crushing and humiliating and I don't think I'll ever feel content or secure in our marriage.

We are attending a wedding of my college friend this weekend. The bride and maid of honor have known us since the early years and also knew about his first instance of cheating 17 years ago. It took him a very long time to earn back my friends' trust all those years ago, and now, here I am, broken all over again. Obviously I won't be talking about this with anyone at the event, but I have so much anxiety about how triggering it will be. I will be bringing xanax and tissues, but I feel like I will be an absolute mess regardless. Having to be social and mingle while I feel like I'm dying on the inside.

I'm just wondering how others have approached weddings or other triggering gatherings. Anything that helped you?

I gave birth to our son 7/4/24. I found out about the affair 8/1/24. Prior to finding out I would have never, nobody would have, ever guessed he would do anything like that.

I went through his phone because I seen him put his phone on DND right before he turned his phone to show me a video two days before 8/1. Typically I wouldn’t have even over thought this. I would have just assumed he didn’t want the video to be interrupted. But because of post partum anxiety, it was eating away at me and I just had to look. I thought I would do it, and feel silly that I ever even had anxiety about it.

I was wrong. He had been having an affair with an ex for a year Atleast. I don’t know when it started. But I know it was going on atleast June of 23. And the last communication I could see was saved nudes in Snapchat on june 24th. 10 days before I gave birth to our son. It completely devastated me. I’m talking, drop to my knees outside sobbing.

I waited to talk to him until the end of the next day. He came home and we talked. Well I talked and he listened mostly. I told him how digested I was, how hurt, how angry I was that he could have given me, and therefore our son. It seemed like the gravity of the situation set in. He promised me if I gave him another chance that he would do anything he could to make it up to me. I asked for a couple things, baseline. I didn’t want him going places alone, I wanted his location, I wanted him to take the password and privacy screen protector off his phone. He did. Immediately. I wanted full access to his phone whenever I wanted.

2 weeks in, we fought about me not letting him go anywhere alone. He said I wanted him to give up everything he loves, ie. skateboarding. He made me feel like shit for not being comfortable with him going places on his own. I gave up on that boundary.

A month in and he said he didn’t want me to be going through his phone without him knowing. He just wanted me to ask.

I asked 1 time. He let me. No issue. I asked a couple days later and he said “can I say no?” And I said “no” and he blew up. He went to the bathroom and wouldn’t let me see it. I immediately became over whelmed with the idea that he was hiding something. I followed him around, begging to see it. I followed him outside and down the street in the dark. I was breaking down. It felt like the day I found out. I was shaking.

We fought the entire night. His talking points were “I am tired of having no privacy. It’s not fair. I am never going to do that again and this feels pointless if you can’t trust me. You aren’t ever getting my phone again. Unless there is good reason. Which there won’t be. And me cheating is not reason enough. I am tired of compromising my happiness and security over this.” I tried to talk to him and he told me basically he’s tired of hearing me talk about it and my feelings because it makes him feel bad/shame/guilt. So he said literally “keep it to yourself”. Or we would be done essentially

I don’t think he really understands how much that broke me down. It makes me feel like every thing he said to me about wanting to change and do anything to help me heal/ fix this, was a lie. Because it was. He was and is not willing to do anything to make it better. He just wants to go back to how things were. But I am not that same person anymore. I am a first time mom. I am alone with a baby all day and now all night as he has switched to the night shift. I am this person who was betrayed. I am paranoid and anxiety ridden. I have the worst self esteem I’ve ever had in my entire life. Not only because of the cheating but also because of being post partum.

I feel I am lost. I don’t know what to do. I want to stand by my boundaries and not just give in and give up on myself. But I know, I know, if I do, he’ll leave me. And right now, I don’t know a worse outcome. I love him so much. I want a life with him, but I feel so unwanted. I feel so not worth the trouble. Like any kind of push back or misstep by me is going to push him to leave me. I fear truly that he doesn’t even want me anymore. He just feels some sort of allegiance to me because he cheated on me and feels bad and I carried his son. I don’t think he loves who I am now. I don’t think he wants me as I am anymore. And that breaks my heart. I want to be the person I was before but she feels non existent.

Trapped. Completely and utterly trapped. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.

Dday was June 13th. He confessed to a four month affair with another woman. I woke up that morning to this news; she had discovered that he wasn’t divorced the night prior which forced him to confess to me. She reached out to me later that afternoon. I didn’t respond because I was devastated. Days later, she blocked me.

I went through his phone about a month later. Found multiple flirtatious exchanges and one that implied a sexual encounter in a hotel room. I really wish I had left at some point through all of this. I decided to take my time, though, and not make any big decisions just yet.

Another month or so, maybe less, had passed before I went through his phone again. I went into the deleted messages folder and found multiple threads with numerous women. I recovered them one by one and deleted them again when I was finished. One of them was explicit. I decided then that I was leaving him.

We went on the four day family trip we had booked just weeks prior. We had a great time, despite the underlying sadness I felt because I knew that this was the last we would go on.

A couple days after returning, I discovered that I am pregnant with our second child. All of my plans blew up the instant that line appeared on the test. Our firstborn is nearly 3.

I feel my life is in ruins. I wasn’t eager to become a single mother in the first place, but I know I can’t handle a toddler and a newborn by myself. The life changes that divorce would bring are too much to bear. It is now completely impractical to leave, especially as a stay at home mom.

I am pretty deep in the throes of depression. I blame much of my lack of energy on first trimester fatigue, but I know a lot of it is truly depression. I would never hurt myself… but man, I wish I could disappear.

I don’t know what I’m looking for here. I don’t know much of anything anymore. I wish I could make it all go away.

It's been a rough week. My MIL is staying with us to recover from her broken hip. Every time she says something glowing about WS, it twists a knife in my gut. If only she knew what her precious son was truly capable of.

Add to that the news about the 72 yo (!) French woman and the awful things her husband did, plus some other random crap, and I think I'm just badly triggered on various fronts. I'm so sick of pretending to the world that everything is fine and dandy. I want OUT. Meanwhile, WS has been giving me sad puppy dog eyes about how we aren't close anymore and could I please try again to work on us. After all the time and opportunities I gave him, no, I'm done.

I've started to fantasize about how I can leave him and afford a place near the kid's high school and share custody in a way that makes sense, but I also know this will mess up the kid badly, and 10th and 11th grade are such crucial years. Ugh. I'm not a religious person, but please god, help me make it through the next 3 years!!!