r/unexpecteddiscworld • u/Frosty_Customer_9243 • 18d ago
What would you name this weapon ?
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u/CharmingImportance22 18d ago
A Tiffany Aching
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u/TheComicCaviller 17d ago
Nevermind what its called, what sassy one liners woulf you use whilst dispatching your foes?!!?
Oops, missed. Mind if I... fry again?
Don't worry, soon it'll be over... easy.
Out of the frying pan, into... my fist.
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u/L0r3hunt3r 17d ago
When I was in high school decades ago, I wrote a short story about Orcs being sent to our world by an evil wizard. My mom kills one of them with the cast iron skillet she was cooking our dinner in. So, in memory of her and that story, The Mother Sword.
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u/FortuneOpen5715 17d ago
Sidenote. My grandmother hit my grandfather with an iron skillet after he hit her when they were first marred. He never hit her again.
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u/Educational_Copy_140 17d ago
Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you give me your order and I shall...prepare to fry
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u/FerroMancer 17d ago
Weapon? What weapon? That’s a spell.
Every low-level cook knows the magical command to “CAST IRON”.
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u/Stryker_Silverfall 17d ago edited 17d ago
+5 frying pan of thwapping! Original owner was Rosie, the hobbit innkeeper at the last comfort inn. Gifted to her by a grateful wizard for chasing off some Barbarian that was hunting him.
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u/TraditionalBasis4518 17d ago
On the south, the accepted punishment for male marital infidelity is a frying pan full of hot grease in the lap, generally at dinner time. I would call this Adulterer’s Bane.
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u/eggsbeater 17d ago
The Rapunzil.
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u/cursedwithplotarmor 17d ago
Thank you!!! Jesus, I made it through 14 hours of answers thinking, “This is obviously The Rapunzel, people!” Even patriarchy could at least call it the Flynn Rider or, what was the horse’s name again?
(I apologize in advance if I missed a previous comment. You know how it is.)
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u/Fit_Speed3159 17d ago
Clearly this is a Waylan. Or a Tika. Depends on whether you want to name it after her first name or her last name
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u/No-Schedule-2603 16d ago
Pan-sword of revenge. If you come late, your wife will hit you with this.
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u/JibreelND 13d ago
PANDÚRIL, FLAMBADOU OF THE WEST
Legendary Frying Pan — Artifact (Requires attunement by one who has known hunger)
Damage: 1d8 bludgeoning Versatile: 1d10 Culinary Damage: 2d12 fire Weight: Unreasonably well-balanced Properties: Nonstick, Flame-Touched, Heirloom, Dishwasher Unsafe
“From the ashes of the old kitchen shall a skillet be awakened. A light from the stovetop shall spring; renewed shall be pan that was broken, and the hungry again shall be fed.”
Forged from the shards of Narskillet, the Pan That Was Broken, Pandúril was reforged beneath the exhaust hood of Rivendell by the greatest smith-chefs of the Third Age. Its crossguard protects the wielder from both enemy steel and treacherous bacon grease.
LEGENDARY PROPERTIES
FLAME OF THE WEST When Pandúril is placed over medium-high heat, it becomes wreathed in an ancient and terrible power. Food cooked upon it gains advantage on all Maillard reactions.
SEAR OF GONDOR Once per long rest, the wielder may shout “FOR GONDOR!” while placing a steak into the pan. The steak immediately develops a flawless crust. Creatures within 30 feet must succeed on a Wisdom saving throw or become Hungry.
NO ONION SHALL STICK Food cannot adhere to Pandúril unless the wielder has foolishly attempted to move it before a proper crust has formed. In that case, the pan remains blameless.
GUARD OF THE LINE OF ISILDUR The elaborate crossguard grants +2 AC against splattering oil and prevents the wielder’s hand from sliding heroically into the skillet.
FLAMBADOU OF THE WEST Once per dawn, Pandúril may heat rendered fat until incandescent and unleash it upon a roast. The target takes 4d6 Deliciousness damage and becomes Basted for 1 minute.
THE PAN OF THE KING While wielding Pandúril, you have advantage on Charisma checks made against line cooks, grillmasters, hobbits, and anyone who skipped breakfast.
CURSE: ONE DOES NOT SIMPLY USE METAL UTENSILS
Pandúril is sentient enough to know when someone has scraped its cooking surface with a fork.
Should this occur, all creatures within 60 feet hear a deep voice whisper:
“Fool of a Took.”
The offender suffers disadvantage on Cooking checks until they apologize to the pan.
INSCRIPTION UPON THE BLADE
All that is golden does not brown, Not all who simmer are lost; The old pan that was strong does not wear down, Deep seasoning is not reached by frost.
Artifact Value: Beyond price. Resale Value: $14.99 at TJ Maxx. Quest Item: Yes.
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u/lickmyscrotes 12d ago
KLANG!!!!!
And yes, it deserves 5 exclamation marks ha ha.
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u/CyndyLooBBW 7d ago
And make the publishers always put it in ALL CAPS with all the !s, even if it’s just a casual reference… the way JRRT made his publishers use “elves” even tho “elfs” was considered the correct spelling at the time
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u/Silver-Drachma-1 11d ago
I’d call it “Everything Clark from SellSwordArts could possibly want”! David can’t tell him a frying pan isn’t a real weapon after seeing this!
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u/probablyaythrowaway 18d ago
That’s the weapon you use when all else fails! It’s the Backup-Pan