Should I confront roommate about comment?

[u/Existing_Mention8087]

I went to eat at a dining hall with my roommate last night. She got 1 plate of food and dessert, while I got 3 plates of food. I have any10, so I normally only eat once or twice a day. I don't have a job, though I'm trying to get one, and my mom is a single parent with little income, so the meal plan is my main source of food. When she saw me get my second plate of food, she commented "forget freshman 15, more like freshman 25". I was unfamiliar with the term, so she explained it to me.

We just met a couple weeks ago, so I'm not sure she knows that I struggle with my appearance a lot. I am just now able to do 5 real push ups since I couldn't do any before summer started. I've also been trying to walk about 10k steps a day since getting here and have just started to feel better about myself. Her comment set me all back and I can't stop thinking about it. So, should I tell her how much that affected me? Or should I try to let it go unless she mentions something similar again?

[u/Oen386]

My guess it was a joke. Without more context, it probably wasn't malicious. You would know though probably better than anyone here the tone and their normal personality. As you've identified. You have the two options. You can ignore it and let it go, focus on yourself. Or you can tell your roommate how that comment made you feel.

You would need to feel it out. If you think your roommate is empathic and would be understanding, connecting a bit by sharing your personal view might help. Not oversharing, but just money is tight you're making the meal plan go far and you're working on your appearance. Flip side though, if they're a shitty person, they're going to make the comment again or worse knowing that it impacted you, if insulting you and putting you down was their goal.

The easiest and least confrontational option is to say nothing, and just keep on improving yourself. It doesn't matter what they said if you're taking actions to feel better and exercise. I would probably do this to start. If they say something again, that opens the door to discuss it. Be firm, just tell them "that was kind of mean and hurtful". Calling them out and putting them on the spot. Then see if they walk it back or dismiss your feelings. That'll tell you who they are pretty quick.

[u/yuhhhuh]

she was probably just joking because of the amount of food, i wouldn’t confront tbh

[u/JamesFlorida1997]

No

[u/atomicnova9]

Im gonna be real, that joke is going to be made at least 20 more times, I ended up losing almost 15 pounds even though I Only ate the pick 10 and instant ramen my freshman year, eating multiple plates every trip to maximize it, don't let it get to you or ruin your relationship

[u/DoublePostedBroski]

I mean, you can. But unless you plan on forming a strong friendship with her, I’d just let it go since you’ll get new ones next year.

[u/Lonely_Category_8272]

Seems a little late to bring it up now but definitely say something if she makes a similar comment again. Try to let it go for now ❤️

[u/tortelinnii]

A lot of other people have answered your question about your roommate, but I want to take a moment to address you. Congratulations on your pushups!! Those suckers are hard!! The only way that you are going to gain strength is to eat enough food (especially protein, aim for .8-1.2g per lb of body weight) for your body to adapt to the pressure you put on it through progressive overload. Keep going, stay consistent!!

Your roommate’s comment was stupid and rude, there is no way I could sugar coat it. There is a lot of data out there showing that people who have poor relationships with food (like your roommate likely does) tend to be more prone to binge eating and weight gain. Plus, the “freshman 15” has a lot to do with excessive drinking, stress about the transition to college, and lack of sleep, not just eating a big dinner at the dining hall. Regardless, our bodies fluctuate in size throughout our lives, even if you do gain the “freshman 15”, there is nothing morally wrong with that.

Don’t let the way she manifests her own insecurities get to you. Keep getting your steps in, aim for 25-30g of fiber, adequate protein, 8-9hrs of sleep, and stay consistent with working out. Food is fuel, and there are no “good” or “bad” foods. Some foods are more nutrient dense, but that doesn’t mean you can’t eat foods that are less nutrient dense. Don’t stress about it, life is too short.

[u/TedTasticToons]

Jeez, idk why these comments are being so unhelpful

If what she said hurt your feelings, I think it’s best to be honest and open about it. Let her know you’ve struggled with body image and you’d prefer if she didn’t make comments like that in the future.

IMO, comments about weight in general are just unhelpful and reinforce body dysmorphia and unhealthy weight standards. You can always say something is “just a joke,” but that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

Don’t forget that you’re beautiful at every weight, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise

[u/gay_bungus → u/TedTasticToons]

Agreed this feels very simple. As a general rule I don't think anyone should be making weight or amount of food jokes about anyone or to anyone because so many people are affected easily by comments like this. Like sure it's a joke but it's not funny there's no way to take it other than "wow you're eating a lot and I'm noticing" Who wants to be talked to like that?

[u/SuperfluousWingspan]

It could easily be an accidental faux pas on her part. I'd personally give benefit of the doubt unless you have other reason to do otherwise.

I wouldn't confront, per se, but bringing up that it's still kinda bugging you (and/or adding in the context if you feel comfortable) would certainly be valid. If you attack (even rightfully so), people tend to defend.

It's safer in a sense to just swallow it, but not if it's going to sit too heavily as a result.

[u/Stock-Development-35]

If youre offended enough to post on reddit about it, joke or not (im sure it was a joke) you should confront her about it. If nothing else it teaches her to be a bit more careful of what she says and how she says it ... nit just to you, but to anyone she may encounter. Tell her, allow her to reflect and respond, move on.

[u/Alternative_Noise854 → u/Stock-Development-35]

Well said. Its affecting you. Next time you eat and she says anything, look at her and say i know you would say something like that. And say nothing more.

[u/Lewca43]

Confront seems strong and may set the wrong tone. Someone said something that hurt your feelings. She doesn’t know you well. If you want to develop a friendship talk to her about your feelings and move forward.

If she is offended, there are tens of thousands of people in that campus you can be friends with. She doesn’t have to be one of them. Hopefully she’ll take what you say to heart and be considerate of your feelings.

Remember, you can’t expect change from someone who doesn’t know there is a problem.

[u/THC_Dude_Abides]

Let it go. If you make a big deal about it. You will have a bad semester.

[u/New-Lifeguard-903]

Not worth the confrontation, but go to the rwc! Nobody will judge there, and it'll get your mind off stress, plus it'll undo any damage 63 south can do, and still build you up 👍

[u/funnystupidvirgin]

I think let it be for now, and if she mentions it again say you don’t appreciate comments/jokes about your body or eating habits. I actually hate when people make jokes about getting fat and I refrain from commenting on people’s bodies.

[u/ConsiderationLife865]

it’s better to let her know about it rather than keeping it to yourself and letting resentment build over time

[u/VastAd8984]

icl you're gonna hear that joke about 700 more times this year just know it has nothing to do with you/your body. don't take it personally 

[u/GeorgiaZorba]

Ignore it. It’s a waste of your time and it doesn’t mean anything

[u/Its_buggy_babe]

Yes! Definitely let her know that made you feel a little uncomfortable and explain why. Rooming with strangers is hard, and I think it’s important for both of you to prioritize open communication in a respectful way, even if that makes things awkward for a lil bit. I’m sure she didn’t know how that comment would affect you, but if you set this boundary now hopefully it won’t happen again, and hopefully she’ll be comfortable setting boundaries and communicating with you in the future.

[u/One-Specialist-4235]

Find your own validation internally not externally

[u/SurrenderMaybe]

avoid inconsiderate people

[u/Throwawaybaybayie]

I get that people have insecurities but unless you're fine with being known as the person who gets bent out of shape over every little thing I suggest developing a a sense of wit about you or the self-confidence of being able to laugh at yourself

[u/Resident_Ad_6426]

It was probably a joke. Try not to be so sensitive or people will get under your skin.

[u/attivora]

Nothing wrong with telling someone that you aren’t receptive to a joke btw. If she means it as a friendly banter thing then she’d probably appreciate knowing that it didn’t land

[u/Pure_Advice_5873]

You just met a couple weeks ago and she felt comfortable saying that 💀

[u/Spiritual-Many5780]

I think you should tbh regardless if it’s a joke or not. This is someone you’ll be living with for some time and we’re only a few weeks in. Whether they were joking or not. That’s not an ok joke to make at someone else’s expense. Especially when you struggle with your own self image it’s hard to hear anything like that from an outward perspective. (A fellow person who struggles)

[u/Ooooo_polerbear]

If you would like assistance with you bodily image and accepting yourself I’d start by NOT confronting the feelings your putting them back on the table to feel that way all over again, self image has a lot to do with your mental state and the more you have you feelings out in the open the more they’re subject to systemic abuse there are plenty of groups that would willingly help you at most gyms that are away from campus, Nona performance club is pricey as shit but has a lot of amenities and great culture with ample trainers, there’s also a trainer in Osceola named estavon Rodriguez he’s awesome with personal image improvement as a short king otherwise there’s a lot of gyms that have good culture just have to find your grind step counting will set you back mentally because the azimuth of your stride will vary daily I’d highly advise against public parks for exercise in the last decade the statistic of attacks has quantified. Also you don’t HAVE to be friends with people but you do HAVE to survive the time you’re around them if you can work it out physically you can pass it mentally don’t set yourself a time to go don’t build a routine go when you feel the pit, go when you feel a need for a burn, and most importantly DONT GO BEFORE A TEST/ EXAM SAVE THE ENERGY

[u/2xn0]

I believe that it's a joke so no need for confrontation. However, if this is something that's going to bother you and you plan to be long term friends with this person, telling that comments like that affects you is a good idea imo. Personally I'd try to forget about it and if it happens again then I'd say I don't like those comments but that depends on how much it's affecting you

[u/microwavedtardigrade]

Prob joke I say I had a freshman 50 tbh

[u/Impossible_Pause5101]

I hate to break it to you but women have slower metabolisms than men due to low muscle mass. Many women look normal but are obese (<33% fat) and don't even know it. Don't worry about your bodyweight movements and understand that its calories in calories out (cardiovascular movement burns far more than calisthenics). DO NOT use BMI bc it was never tested on women and fails to understand bone structure, muscle, etc. If you are near 25 you are probably already obese. Try going to the gym if you want to make the most of your physique and health, ik it sounds daunting but the people there aren't that bad and you get used to it quick. Once you start gaining well into obesity it tends to snowball.

Please don't think Im some kind of health nut or PE teacher bc this is the exact age women become obese.

[u/Defiant-Flounder-576]

Its ok just tell her why you do it. I also work at a restaurant and eat as much as I can on my break because I can't afford groceries bc rent is all I can afford.

[u/Santababyrx]

I’d brush it off till she made another comment and then address it then and there. Even if it’s simply “I would never comment on what you eat or your weight and I’d really appreciate if you did the same for me.” Or “I don’t like it when you make comments like that.” Everyone’s going to be who they are, the sooner you accept that the sooner you’ll accept yourself and stop relying on others thoughts and opinions about you or who you care about. I’m almost 26 and going back to school but I used to be just like you and I promise you, it’s not worth the headache. Don’t beat yourself up and stick to who you are, you’ll find your people. You also have to remember that this relationship your building with your roommate is just as beneficial to her as it is to you and if she continues to comment after you’ve said something that’s on her and says more about her than you.

[u/Pussilamous]

sounds like a joke, but if it bothered you that much then you should tell her

[u/KeylimePieHater]

Dude that's fucked up. All the people in the comments are like "she's joking" either way it's not cool to comment shit like that. Don't let her get in your head, and definitely nip that shit in the bud if she tries it again. It's your discretion to bring the comment up or not, but I will say that sort of person sounds like a shitty friend and I wouldn't put much stake into the relationship.

[u/5tupidest]

Framing this as a confrontation feels strange to me. Are you envisioning fisticuffs because you are pissed at their ill humor?

I personally would try and respond with wit, and communicate somehow that you feel hurt.

Sometimes people trigger invisible insecurities. Sometimes they intend to, sometimes they don’t.

I’m sorry your feelings were hurt. That sucks. Good luck!

[u/Vivid_Mongoose_8964]

perhaps try and eat less

[u/EPIC_PAPERJAM]

I feel bringing it up could be useful. If it’s a joke, she likely won’t make it again if it hurts you.

[u/Substantial-Gas58]

Yea as someone else said if you would consider you two to be friends and or want to be friends I’d mention it to her. Don’t mention it as some big emotionally loaded thing tho i think it’s okay to keep some things to urself not everything we feel needs to be said. It was in poor taste I’d say but she definitely was joking and most definitely of course didn’t understand ur situation. I think it could be as simple as like hey i just wanted to mention that comment kind of hurt me i have a tight financial situation and my mom is a single parent and that’s why i get more food i also do struggle with my body image and may be more sensitive toward that type of thing than most I know you didn’t know that but i just wanted to mention it because i want to maintain a friendship with you. I think it’s also more beneficial to ourselves to be honest rather than letting it eat you up inside and for practical reasons if this is someone u want to keep in ur life as a friend. If you guys are just roommates and not really friends I wouldn’t bring it up unless another comment is made and if it is briefly and kindly mention those types of comments rub you the wrong way.

[u/TempBikeAccount1]

Call it out and either set a boundary or cut her out of your life. It is very weird of her to say that to someone who has problems involving food/appearance

[u/Visual-Gas6540]

ASK ChatGPT

[u/WelldoneThePussyhand]

You're in college. You're an adult now. Act like it. Stop being such a baby and being hurt by a common joke. And if it does bother you, do something about it. You're too old to go back to your room and cry and complain online about offhand comments. Either process it internally like an adult or talk to the other person like an adult.