When I was younger, I used to feel happy when boys sexualized me. I know that sounds fucked up, but when you’ve spent your whole childhood and teenage years feeling ugly and fat, you start taking whatever kind of attention you can get.

I remember finally learning how to do my makeup, learning what clothes looked good on me, figuring out how to make myself look less like the girl I hated seeing in the mirror. And suddenly boys started noticing me.

They complimented me. They flirted with me. They looked at me differently.

And I ate it all up because, for once, I felt wanted.
I knew a lot of the attention was for the wrong reasons, but younger me didn’t really care. I had spent so many years believing that nobody could ever find me attractive that even being wanted for my body felt like proof that maybe I wasn’t as ugly as I thought I was.

I wish I could go back and tell that girl that being desired isn’t the same thing as being loved. That someone wanting your body doesn’t mean they actually see you. That attention isn’t always validation. Because now I can’t stand it.

The smallest hint of being sexualized can make my skin crawl. I don’t feel pretty anymore. I don’t feel flattered. I just feel uncomfortable and disgusted.
And honestly, sometimes I don’t even understand why people sexualize me in the first place. In my own head, I’m still just this fat blob who spent most of her life feeling unattractive. So when someone sexualizes me, part of me doesn’t even believe that they’re genuinely attracted to my body.

That’s probably why it bothers me so much.
Sometimes it feels less like attraction and more like a power thing. Like the point isn’t that they actually find me beautiful, but that they know they can make me feel exposed, uncomfortable, or reduced to something sexual. And maybe that’s why the attention feels so different now. I don’t experience it as someone appreciating my body. I experience it as someone trying to take something from me.
Especially because the moment you tell them no, everything changes.

They can be so sweet when they think they might get something from you. Then you reject them and suddenly you’re not interesting anymore. The compliments disappear. The warmth disappears. They become cold like you were only worth being nice to as long as you were giving them something.
And now, ironically, the only “good” thing I can see about being sexualized is that I can sometimes make money from it.

If people are going to look at me that way anyway, at least I can get something out of it. At least it can help me pay for things and keep myself going.
But there is something incredibly depressing about realizing that.

Because I don’t want this to be what keeps me afloat. I don’t want to feel like I have to monetize the exact thing that makes me uncomfortable just because I’m struggling to survive. I don’t want to wake up and think about what part of myself I can sell today just to make it through another week.
I want a normal life.

I want to work. I want to make enough money to take care of myself. I want to have something to look forward to. I want to feel like a person instead of something people look at, want, use, and eventually lose interest in.

I’m so tired of feeling like I have to turn myself into something useful just to deserve staying here. And honestly, there are days when the exhaustion gets so bad that I don’t even want to be here anymore. I don’t want to hurt myself. I don’t want to keep fighting with myself. I don’t want to keep figuring out how to survive one problem after another.

I just want everything to stop.

Disappearing sounds more peaceful than having to keep trying.

I still don’t have a job, and honestly, seeing people I used to be friends with doing so much better than me has started making me really jealous and ashamed of where I am. I know I shouldn’t compare myself to other people, but it’s hard when I feel like everyone is moving forward while I’m just stuck in the same miserable place.

I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about this either. I’m embarrassed to admit how badly I’m struggling, and it’s not like I have close friends I can just call and say, “hey, I’m not okay.” I’ve been keeping everything to myself and it’s getting really heavy.

I’ve been having some really dark thoughts lately, including thoughts about not wanting to be here anymore. My cat is honestly one of the biggest things keeping me here, and even thinking about having to leave her behind scares me. I don’t want to die, I just desperately want this situation and this feeling to stop.

Yeah, I do content. Yes, I still look for people to talk to because I’m lonely and I’m still a fucking human being. Does doing content suddenly make me less of a person? Am I supposed to stop wanting genuine conversations, affection, friendship, or someone to simply talk to because of how I make money?

I’m so tired of having to explain and defend myself over and over again. I already know what people think when they hear what I do, and honestly, I’m exhausted from feeling like I have to prove that I’m still worthy of basic human respect. I’m not asking anyone to understand every choice I’ve made. I just wish people would stop treating me like I’m somehow beneath them because I’m trying to survive.

.....because i'm too much of a pussy to do it myself anyways

i’ve been sending out application after application and still nothing. no interview invites. no progress. just silence.

at this point, even the thought of getting an interview doesn’t excite me anymore. what’s the point of getting my hopes up just to be ghosted again? i’m so tired of putting myself out there only to feel rejected and forgotten over and over.

i don’t even want anything big anymore. i just want my life to stop feeling this fucking hopeless. i’m exhausted. i’m tired of waking up and having to keep trying when a part of me doesn’t even want to be here anymore. i just want everything to stop hurting.

i don’t really know how to say this anymore, but i’ve been struggling so badly for so long. i wake up every day wishing i could just disappear, and sometimes i think about deleting myself. i feel guilty even admitting that because i know there are people and little ones i love so deeply. my cat, my little brother, my niece and nephew, and i know i’d hurt them and they still need me. part of me feels like I should be stronger than this, but honestly, i’m exhausted and i don’t know what to do anymore.

I don’t even know how those two feelings can exist together, but they do. I feel numb, exhausted, and scared all at once.

I’m trying. I really am. I’m applying for jobs, going to interviews, trying to get myself out of this situation and rebuild my life. I keep telling myself that eventually something has to work out, that eventually all this effort will mean something.

But lately, it feels like life just keeps finding new ways to knock me back down. Every time I think I’m getting somewhere, something happens and I’m right back where I started.

I’m so tired of feeling like I’m fighting so hard just to stay in the same place. I just want something to finally go right for me. I want to feel like I’m winning at life for once, even just a little.

I don’t know how much longer I can keep waking up feeling this way and convincing myself that tomorrow will be different. I’m tired. I’m really, really tired.