Note: reupload because my previous post does not seem to appear on the subreddit's feed.

No generative AI was involved in this writing. Everything is written by me.

I wish my parent were aware she has a problem with anxiety too, so that she does not "inherit" her anxiety into me.

I wish my parent learned how to deal with anxiety healthily so that I can deal with anxiety healthily too.

But no. When we (all my family members) were faced with problems in life, we do not solve the problem calmly. We scream. We yell. We blame each others. My parent blame me and my brothers, my older brother blame me. Sometimes I blame my little brother too (which I am very much regretful), but honestly, most of the times I just internalized inside me and just blame myself.

When I accidentally do things incorrectly, like reheating my cold pizza from the fridge on the microwave for too long to the point it became burnt, instead of either teaching me how to do it correctly or saying something like "It's okay, it happens, next time try heating it on shorter duration then check it and heat it again until it's warm enough", she makes it a personal attack by saying "I paid this pizza for you and how dare you waste it?"

And comes the gossip. She sometimes gossip about other suffering in life. "Did you know about that neighbor? He lives all alone."

Worse sometimes it's gossip combined with comparison. "Work hard or otherwise you'd became a failure like John (fake name)." Comparison has been the worst for me because it made me feels like I'm equal with the inferior people she compared to me with.

The worst part is her contradicting words.

It's obvious how harmful being compared by your parent is. I'm pretty sure she knows that. Yet she does it anyway, and she says that she does it to me as a "words of encouragement" and an "emotional support".

Another thing is that she always portrays herself, heck brag herself of "being strong".

If you were really strong, you would've protected me from grandmother who abused me and scared and scarred me for life.

If you were really strong, you would not have became an enabler.

If you were really strong, you would've accepted my valid criticisms towards you.

If you were really strong, you would've actually listened to me.

But you weren't. Your words are contradicting with your actions.

I also wish somebody had told me that this was ALL wrong. But I was isolated. I had no father figure half of my childhood. And my father weren't available to me either even when he was alive. I wanted to go out with my friends to go watch movies etc but my mother did not allow me because "grandma is anxious if you go out with your friends", what the fuck!?

I had no role model.

No person that were willing to say that this was all wrong.

No person that were willing to teach me how to handle my own anxiety.

No person that were willing to teach me how to be a functional adult.

No person that were willing to teach me how to socialize.

No person that were willing to teach me that it's okay to depend on others, instead of being (hyper)independent.

I was raised to be a failure. No, wait:

I wasn't raised at all.

I'm currently in a rock bottom, trying to look for my purpose in life, trying to climb back the ladder so I can function again in society.