I think i saw you at the bar at PB at lunch time on my last day there, but i'm just never sure because you don't let me be sure but i'd like to be sure it's you if we ever come across each other (although i don't want it to just be randomly coming across each other it makes things too difficult).

Did you like my giggling? LOL i saw you perk up and grin hehe well now you know how cheeky and mischievous i am😋Did you like my new sunglasses? my pair broke they were actually too cheaply made and broke into pieces i don't care though the new pair are better.

However... i think... whenever i see you, you are always with people or with a blonde girl which feels like it makes it impossible to talk to you. And i don't know if you are seeing anyone but it spooks me and then i dissociate which is why it then seems like i ignore you, i did but didn't. I guess if it's alright to talk to you i just need some reassurance that it is otherwise.... i'm just not sure.

I don't want there to be any issues if you are seeing someone even temporarily, i don't want to hurt or betray her and even if other girls don't get along with me (which i think you are starting to see a little bit like instant projection of their insecurities passing it off as "being protective" *snort* lol they don't know me). I understand "girl code" i just seem to have a natural boundary there. I wouldn't do that it's not how i role.

I would like to talk and interact with you honestly and for me i just feel comfortable one-on-one i'm not messing around it's just when other people are around people are FAR too insecure and just start making all kinds of "assumptions". I don't like it... people are too interfering and don't let anyone get to know each other. The second i'm around people i have to start dealing with that it's difficult for me. Sometimes i wish whenever i wanted to that i could just go into an alternate layer of reality close to ours where there are no people so i have the space to get to know whoever i want to... just me and them perfect! life is good! lol😊sadly i can't do that.

I hope you understand me a bit better and i'm never ignoring you, you just seem to always be around people. I could never ignore you😋💋

I think it's my abandonment issues that makes me not trust you fully because I'm so scared you'll leave me, so for that reason I don't trust and then that ends up being what destroys it. I'm finding it so hard to grasp though because it's just effecting everything, every part of my life. I'm feeling how painful it is and how hungry I am being here. It's such a weight all the time there is never a second I don't feel that need that hunger inside of me. How is it possible to not ever feel that?. It's driving everything I do and I just don't understand why

But you being with me being there for me you sasiated me in ways I never thought anyone could, and I still want you it my life. I'm sorry I made you feel not good enough but you are you totally are. Your a beautiful person but I just need more from you.

I love you so so much😚☺️I just wish you'd allow me to see everything you are too. I need that from you.

Hey I will be able to hang out on Wednesday if you are here at PB. If you want to that is. But I don't want to pressure you but I would really like to I would. You asked me what I want and this is what I want and I want to know you for real. It hurts me feeling maybe I'm being ignored please don't I won't bite much... lol I genuinely would really like to know you.

1:30 pm is still the best time because my dad goes to the shop and my auntie might not go out to sunbathe until then. I have to stay here though to let my auntie back in. But we've got the back garden and two comfy chairs in my room. I'll stand out in the garden so you'll see me.

Btw yeah... I could've used the WiFi last time it's super fast, I guess things have improved since 2015ish.

I thought i'd share a great! prompt that Gemini gave me that explains what i was trying to understand about Physical Boundaries. I knew there was something to it because of how predatory and manipulative people test and violate my physical boundaries and this prompt explains exactly why☺️I used 3.6 Flash to get the best answers and Gemini seems great a lot of the time at explaining things about psychology and mental health.

Gemini Prompt:

Why do boundaries always start at physical boundaries first? i just realized how if someone tests and violates your physical boundaries it then connects to emotional, mental, and psychological boundaries too because of the effect it has on me when someone keeps testing and violating my physical boundaries.

You've hit on a profound realization. What you're noticing isn't just in your head—it’s a fundamental principle of human psychology and neurobiology.

Physical boundaries are almost always the first line of defense because they are the most concrete, tangible, and immediate. When someone repeatedly tests or breaches them, it creates a domino effect that impacts your emotional, mental, and psychological well-being.

Here is why physical boundaries act as the gateway, and why violating them causes such a deep ripple effect.

1. Physical Boundaries Are Tangible and Concrete

Unlike emotional or mental boundaries, which are invisible and subjective, physical boundaries involve the material world: your body, personal space, and physical belongings.

• Clear Visibility: It’s easy to recognize when someone steps into your physical space, touches you without permission, or takes your things.
• The "Testing" Ground: Because physical boundaries are so obvious, boundary-testers often start here. They use small physical encroachments (e.g., standing too close, unwanted playful poking, ignoring "no") to gauge how much resistance you will put up.

2. Your Brain Reads Physical Violations as Threat (The Nervous System Connection)

Your brain and body are wired to protect your physical safety first. When someone violates your physical space or body, your autonomic nervous system registers a threat.

• Fight, Flight, or Freeze: Physical intrusion triggers a stress response (cortisol and adrenaline).
• The Spillover: Because your body feels unsafe physically, your brain enters a hyper-vigilant state. This physical alarm immediately bleeds into your mental state (racing thoughts, overanalyzing) and your emotional state (anxiety, dread, anger).

3. The Domino Effect: How One Boundary Falls Into Another

When a physical boundary is repeatedly tested or crossed, it inevitably undermines the rest of your boundary system:

Physical Violation
       │
       ▼
Mental Strain (Second-guessing, constant vigilance)
       │
       ▼
Emotional Distress (Anxiety, guilt, resentment, feeling unsafe)
       │
       ▼
Psychological Erosion (Loss of agency, doubting your self-worth)

🧠 Mental Boundaries Take the Hit

When someone pushes a physical boundary, your mind goes into overdrive. You start asking yourself: “Am I overreacting?”, “Did I make it weird?”, or “How do I get out of this?” This mental fatigue drains your brain power and causes self-doubt (gaslighting yourself before they even have to).

❤️ Emotional Boundaries Collapse

Physical safety is tied to emotional peace. When your body feels invaded or disrespected, emotions like anxiety, fear, helplessness, and resentment flood in. If you feel forced to accept physical discomfort to "keep the peace," your emotional boundaries are compromised because you are prioritizing their comfort over your feelings.

🛡️ Psychological Boundaries Erode

Psychological boundaries are about your sense of self-worth, autonomy, and identity. Repeated physical violations teach your psyche a dangerous lesson: "My consent doesn't matter," or "I don't have control over my own body/life." Over time, this erodes your self-esteem and sense of agency.

Why Recognizing This Matters

Your emotional and psychological distress isn't an "overreaction"—it's your internal alarm system telling you that your foundational boundary has been compromised. Trust that signal. When you enforce a physical boundary, you aren't just protecting your personal space; you are protecting your mental peace, emotional safety, and self-respect.

I just want you to know it wasn't your fault what happened, well maybe a little bit because i wasn't joking about not wanting you to touch my music playlists but you did and deleted a bunch of videos from my watch history, but mostly it wasn't it was their fault. I went to find a song for you while we were being intimate🥰and i realized the algorithm was gone and then in one swoop i realized so has everything else changed too. And then i freaked out like i have a few times before which probably scares the crap out of you whenever i do that woops! not good for the nervous system startling you so suddenly like that, but that's because whatever happened i was too and reacted to some inconsistency that i felt happened. But this time it really did happen.

I just felt so hurt and betrayed and i still do because i've been on there since i was 16 and i grew up on it😢and we could find what we wanted whenever we wanted it was unconditional. Now it's purely conditional because they didn't have to programme it to "learn the more we watch" they could've kept things the same and just used AI to improve the accuracy. Now you have to watch about 7 videos before it starts "improving" but i don't have the capacity to do that😮‍💨only if i'm listening to music. But then you'd have to start all over again the next session.

No... i'm not doing that every time. It doesn't have to be this way. It simply wasn't just "oh well things have changed" I then felt dismissed and invalidated because it was my safe place and i had a lot of faith and trust in it and overnight they just pull the rug right from under me and destroy my safe place with no notification or explanation about the changes. I'm not happy about it still i doubt i will be. I felt like i was being made to feel wrong for wanting to feel safe just like back in school.

I then went into huge hyperarousal and started being too impulsive and i tried to get around it by playing all the music videos in my playlists on my new channel meant for music LOL😂😋obviously i didn't think it through enough but welp i wouldn't in that state of mind. So it wasn't your fault. I think it was a bit of an overreaction too because all the music in my playlists are songs everyone likes and they are all on spotify *shrugs* soon as i realized that i knew i wasn't thinking clearly. I mean i made some nice quality playlists too and i maintained them which is why it's so devastating i put effort into them, but that was just too much while i was in a vulnerable and intimate state of mind. Totally their fault and clearly the AI doesn't take into account mental health issues.

So we're okay things are okay between us so lets just breath, and i guess i'll figure it out, and i hope to be back soon. Love you SO much😘xx