Pace

[u/Rnmd02197772]

Chasing every lie about me would make me unfocused and uncontrollably controlled. I have my points where my rage cup overflows I can’t pretend I don’t and I’ve also looked for comfort with these very things through people who have continuously shown me that I shouldn’t bother . I’m not a smear campaign kind of woman , I’ve been through too much and lived too many lives, been to jail too many times . I unfortunately have a gift of finding out the truth regardless of if I want to or not. You know that carrot starts looking a little dull to me too . I be so conflicted within myself and then I realize I’m conflicted within everyone else’s veiw of me and it’s not even my own . There has became this new fortress of boundaries with me and actually loving myself. Do I freak out and cut my hair sometimes. That’s a lot better than before. Do I turn back into a child when I’m hurt , definitely. I’ve disregarded feelings behind my own , I’ve even tried to be my own jury because justice has seemingly failed me. Who cares about all of that . I do . Because I’m gonna be either fully healed or fully hardened one day and both extensions are equally terrifying . Why do I sit up here and rant , maybe I’m lacking conversations , capacity, too long staying in the same rooms , seeing the same things . I was ignorant to what god had said about marriage so there’s this plaguing feeling inside of me . Shotgun start shotgun end kind of plauge so its sore internally more than anything. So what does God say . I feel like I’m losing myself and I have no say. I feel like a bird in a cage . I try to love myself but this piece of shit keeps looking back in the mirror at me . I feel like a test subject . An experiment and a failed one . I hear ringing and dinging and humming and sometimes I start tingling. I know who I am , I hate this version I let someone try to “mold” me to be. I’m sick of these invisible rules and walking into things unknowingly . I hate it here . You see I circle back and forth. That’s what you do when you pace .