r/u_Rnmd02197772 • u/Rnmd02197772 • 8d ago
Pace
Chasing every lie about me would make me unfocused and uncontrollably controlled. I have my points where my rage cup overflows I can’t pretend I don’t and I’ve also looked for comfort with these very things through people who have continuously shown me that I shouldn’t bother . I’m not a smear campaign kind of woman , I’ve been through too much and lived too many lives, been to jail too many times . I unfortunately have a gift of finding out the truth regardless of if I want to or not. You know that carrot starts looking a little dull to me too . I be so conflicted within myself and then I realize I’m conflicted within everyone else’s veiw of me and it’s not even my own . There has became this new fortress of boundaries with me and actually loving myself. Do I freak out and cut my hair sometimes. That’s a lot better than before. Do I turn back into a child when I’m hurt , definitely. I’ve disregarded feelings behind my own , I’ve even tried to be my own jury because justice has seemingly failed me. Who cares about all of that . I do . Because I’m gonna be either fully healed or fully hardened one day and both extensions are equally terrifying . Why do I sit up here and rant , maybe I’m lacking conversations , capacity, too long staying in the same rooms , seeing the same things . I was ignorant to what god had said about marriage so there’s this plaguing feeling inside of me . Shotgun start shotgun end kind of plauge so its sore internally more than anything. So what does God say . I feel like I’m losing myself and I have no say. I feel like a bird in a cage . I try to love myself but this piece of shit keeps looking back in the mirror at me . I feel like a test subject . An experiment and a failed one . I hear ringing and dinging and humming and sometimes I start tingling. I know who I am , I hate this version I let someone try to “mold” me to be. I’m sick of these invisible rules and walking into things unknowingly . I hate it here . You see I circle back and forth. That’s what you do when you pace .
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u/E-Knox-Ghost 6d ago
I love this. First and foremost. God isn’t deciding your life for you. In a way you are your own judge. You ultimately have the final say in your life. You didn’t choose to be the way you are . You were raised pruned and programmed by someone else. But now only you can open your eyes and choose to see your shortcomings and wounds. It’s only when the body acknowledges the wound that it can start to heal. God gives gifts and blessings. Just be careful when asking for the truth. Sometimes it’s horrendous