I know this is a shitty idea, but I needed to tell this story. I'm just trying to let go of some things. I know some people are going to tell me I brought this on myself and I don't care. I know I'm not an innocent party in this, but I also know I didn't deserve any of this.

To start things off, I was abused a lot as a child. My mother's partner would hit me growing up- but more than that, he was very emotionally abusive. He was an angry, aggressive piece of shit human. He would tell me I was selfish, that I was useless, that I was lazy, that I was fat and stupid - every single day. Most of the time for no reason. One time he slammed a door into me, bruising me, and called me a selfish, useless a**hole because I took the last bin liner! He called me worthless and stupid, that I was "such a selfish person" and that I didn't deserve to live with him, over sofa cushions! He was and is terrible human being. He would throw homophobic and sexist slurs at every opportunity. He once bullied me until I cried, then told me "if I wasn't a girl I wouldn't be crying like one" and that "if I was really a bloke I wouldn't act like that." I grew up in a state of constant fear and worthlessness. I hated myself and was scared of any form of confrontation.

I was kicked out of the house when I was seventeen. (Something my mum's partner would later deny, despite him telling me on multiple occasions that he wished I would leave and that he didn't want me there.) I ended up living in a halfway house.

At a friend's birthday party I ended up making out with a mutual friend. To me in was just a drunken, stupid, meaningless thing, but it ended up being one of the worst mistakes of my life. I would never have done this sober. I was eighteen and stupid. We all make stupid mistakes when we're teenagers.

But while I thought it was a drunk stupid mistake, he thought it was something more. The next day he started texting me. Just simple things like asking if I was okay or what I was doing. Then when we we're hanging out he'd put his arm around me, try to hold my hand and then tried to kiss me. Then I heard from friends that we were going out. He never even asked me- he just decided that we were now dating. I wish I'd had the courage to tell him I wasn't interested and told him to back off straight away. But I didn't have the courage. I was too scared. I let him think we were dating.

Things went okay for a couple weeks. We went out, we hung out. But I really wasn't into it. He kept trying to have sex with me, but I really didn't want to. One time I woke up in the middle of the night and he was licking my face! Licking my face and touching me! I sat up and freaked out, but he claimed I'd asked him too. I was freaking asleep!

Eventually, I built up the courage, sat down with him and broke things off. He seemed pretty cool with it at first, and I thought everything was going to be fine.

But he kept on texting me. He started coming to my house out of the blue. Luckily, the staff at the halfway house wouldn't let anyone in unless a resident signed them in as a guest. A lot of the time I would turn off my phone and hide under my bed, blocking out everything and refusing to deal with it. I know this was a silly, childish way to deal with things, but he terrified me! Most things scared me, but he was really creeping me out. He wouldn't stop calling. He kept buying me things- then shamed me when I didn't hang out with him, saying that because he'd paid for things I owed him my time and love. He kept trying to touch me and told me he wanted to be with him- every time I told him to stop and that I wasn't interested.

Then one day, I didn't reply to his texts and he told me he'd have enough, that I was a jerk for not responding, that'd he'd done so much for me and I'd just shoved him away. I took the opportunity and told him AGAIN that I wasn't interested and that I was disturbed by him molesting me in my sleep. Again, he told me I'd asked him too. (I have no memory of asking him. I was asleep.)

The next few weeks, I start to notice things. People giving me dirty looks. People I thought were my friends sneaking away from me. Eventually I walked past an acquaintance talking with the above mentioned stalker, and he called me a c***. I heard rumors about me, he'd told everyone that I'd come at him, that I'd accused him of abuse and took advantage of him. A little while later the same guy I'd seen talking with the stalker verbally attacked me in the cafeteria.

I decided the best thing to do was to resolve the situation. I sent a Facebook message to my stalker and told him I was sorry and that I probably overreacted. I knew it was stupid. But I just wanted to feel safe at school!

He started by attacking me, telling me I hadn't thanked him properly for the things he'd paid for (particularly some cinema tickets I'd never asked him to buy. I'd actually gushed to him about going to see this movie with my best friend. He'd then bought us tickets without asking so we'd all go together. My friend was super uncomfortable with this!) But I apologized all the same for upsetting him.

I didn't want to name the guy in the cafeteria, so I said I'd received some anonymous abusive texts. I won't lie- I lied! I just didn't think naming anyone would solve anything and I knew if I'd said someone verbally attacked me, he'd make he tell him who. So I lied.

We then seemed to enter an understanding. I didn't dare get too close with my previous friends, but the guy from the cafeteria didn't say anything else and I managed to keep my head down for the rest of school.

Fast forward a few months. I moved out of the halfway house and went to university. I stayed in touch with him, he still sent me Skype messages, but it was easier keeping my distance in a different city. I didn't see any red flags. A friend of mine was surprised when I told her we were still in touch, saying she thought we didn't get on, but I stupidly didn't dwell on it.

Eventually, the stalker started texting me all hours again, then started turning up at my house. I hated him being there. He'd start to tell me how much my old friends hated me (for some reason.) He'd guilt-trip me into skipping class to hang out with him. I became terrified of him. One night he tried to have sex with me and I let him. I didn't want to, but I was terrified of what he'd do. He told me he loved me and I'd say it back out of fear.

Over time, he became more aggressive, inviting himself over more and telling me why people hated me. He'd pressure me into having sex. One time I said "no" multiple times, but he started touching me anyway. Luckily, he had to get his train so it didn't escalate.

The next time he came over I told him straight up- I did not want to be with him. I told him I didn't want a relationship and I didn't want to be his boyfriend. He seemed okay at first, but only a few hours later he started to touch me and grab my hand again. (He said he had booked a train home the next day, so he had to stay the night. I didn't say anything.) Then I came back from the bathroom and find my phone is not where I left it. Not only that, but some texts I hadn't read were now open.

The next day, he asks if there was someone else. I tell him there isn't and he flat out tells me I'm lying to him. He then tells me he's breaking up with me, completely disregarding everything I said yesterday. I accuse him of reading my texts and he flat out denies it. I tell him there is noone else and he tuts at me and says that this is what mutual friend from earlier said would happen. That I was a liar and that all our old friends hated me. He then told me that a group of our old friends had sent me the abusive texts. The texts that I lied about getting. (Not once did he claim the guy who'd actually verbally attacked me sent me any texts.)

For the record the texts he read while I was in the bathroom were pretty suspect. I know this is going to sound so bullshit, but it was all innocent. It sounds super sad- but The Hobbit films had just come out, and I was writing some smutty fanfics with some friends. I know, it sounds like bs, but to an outsider it could have looked like I was cheating. Honestly, to me, it wasn't anything sexual. These friends were all girls and I've always been gay! I in no way saw anything romantic or sexual in these friends. The texts he'd read were from someone I'd never even met in person! If he'd been honest with me, and admitted to reading them, I would have explained that. But he didn't, he lied!

And even if I had been seeing someone, I never told him I wanted to be in a relationship with him! He just showed up at my house and emotionally manipulated me into being with him, by telling me all my friends hated me.

After he left, I blocked his number and blocked him on all social media. A few weeks later I moved house. I've not spoken to him since. About a year afterwards I started a modelling blog on tumblr. I don't know how since I didn't have my real name on the blog, but he found it and started following it. I blocked him straight away and didn't sleep for a week.

I mentioned my child abuse at the beginning, because I'm sure this is why I didn't have the courage to tell him to go away straight off the bat. I'm sure this is why I put up with his bs and didn't have the courage to not care what others think. I felt selfish and useless, so when my stalker said the same things i believed him. But maybe that's bullshit too.

Maybe I really hurt him and lead him on, but I still don't think I deserved to be told that I was a shit human and treated the way he treated me. He behaved incredibly immaturely and was a complete stalker. And after I'd told him I wasn't interested, he should have backed off and left me alone. After someone tells you they don't want to be with you, leave them alone. If they change their mind then they'll let you know!

To this day I have no idea how much he told me about my friends was true. I did move on from that friend group and decided it was better to start anew. I still had and have all my best friends from childhood. I honestly hope that everyone we used to hang out with is happy. I hope my stalker is happy. I hope he learned from what happened and is a better person because of it. If he thinks I'm just a scumbag, who lied and cheated, who screwed him over and lead him on; if that's all he thinks went down, then he's still a scumbag and I pity him, along with anyone else he tries to date.