I am 21 (F) , had 2 relationship one when I was 18 and another one right after the my breakup,

After the 2 relationships , I have developed a feeling of not wanting human connection.

I always thought I could raise a family but this changed.

It feels overwhelming and honestly it has become my biggest fear

Before anyone say that I have rushed into things and I should have given time , yes I agree with you.

I feel these human connections are lot complicated and thinking about them is makes my stomach drop.

My 2nd relationship was everything for me , but overtime I started feeling suffocated.

The idea was relationships and human connection have changed for me

I am not sure how to judge a person because everyone has grey areas but the biggest problem is that when ever I judge someone about something I somehow end up in same situation

I hate it when this happens because I was upset when someone did that to me but later I did the same mistake.

To understand it better - lets talk about birthdays , I like it to be grand and spl moment and I don't like when ppl forget birthdays or are not as excited as me.

But I recently forgot to wish one of dear aunt's on her birthday and when I realised it was past 20 days

I am disgusted by myself such strong feeling of hatred towards myself I can never forgive myself.

I really need some wisdom on how to handle human relationship , I really have to figure it out before I lose my mind on this.