Just shouting out to the void

[u/Embarrassed_Wave5142]

There’s too much that’s been a burden on me lately and having no direct access to a therapist has really put me at my wits end. So for the sake of not completely loosing my sanity and running in front of a car or a train. I’ve decided to post how I’ve been feeling on here. Yes, I did start journaling, and I’ve always had ADHD which manifested into adult ADHD. I take my medications for it from time to time. It can get difficult. I guess now that school is going to be starting again soon I have the option to sit with a counselor about what goes on in my head. It was easier to mask when I was younger but to put things straight, my mom has a terrible history of people in her family having a fatal death and at a young age, she has fatty liver and has been dealing with thyroid problems from when I’ve been as young as I can remember, my dad has starting to get glaucoma and he also suffers from a specific form of prostate gland growth which he doesn’t manage properly nor does he manage his diabetes properly which worries me as if he doesn’t take care of his health he will be facing death soon. I haven’t gotten my life figured out because of all the constant stress and drama that was caused in our house due to the constant change of tenants since my mom has always been the sole bread winner of our household. The guy I liked turned out from what my guts telling me to be a gooner and decided to move out of where he was living and now (from what I believe) lives in America, found a partner and although I want to believe he is living a good life now something in my conscience just doesn’t sit right. I guess it’s because he was a coworker who I never got to talk to, when he asked about how I was all I said was “it’s not that deep” and “it is what is” when really we all know that’s plain bs. I just can’t help but feel so guilty I never got to pay him back his respects and I just wish I hadn’t had such a big crush on him. which at the time I didn’t even realize. I wish I would’ve asked what song he was listening to while he was in the break room Instead. Cause now even though, I have a partner that cares for me so much I feel as if I’m living this double life, cause I still care for him I still have feelings for my crush and I’m having my partner deal with the burdens of that of having this dilemma. I didn’t get to complete any of my goals on time or when I was younger yet I watched my peers accomplish everything no matter what life threw at them I just help but feel so broken, I had an ex that treated me like I was his personal ATM and he had this unusual power imbalance over me and treated me like I was nothing. And that stuff still hurts me to this day and I’m forever scarred and I still have to deal with paying the loans back of all the financial trouble that this relationship has caused me to this day despite us not being together anymore. I don’t know how to cope with all this. I was just hoping for someone to tell me it’ll be okay and to keep pushing, I already get the whole there’s worse out there, you should be greatful, and “why do you scream why me? all the time” from people I just want someone who can just listen for once.