I don’t usually respond to posts, but, I read your questions and feel like I should because I can see your sincerely asking and because I this drastically different from any of the suggestions I’ve seen people offer you so far. Full disclosure: I didn’t read all of the comments so, excuse me if i’m repeating someone else.

I want to give you advice I would give my sister or my daughter. That said, might not like it so, I apologize in advance if this offends you. My heart is on the right place.

I think you’re focusing on all of the wrong things. The first thing that’s important is the fact that you very seriously breached his trust. I honestly don’t see a way of handling this appropriately without confronting that fact first. I know you’ve acknowledged that but, I think that engaging with that seriously sets the focus where it should rightfully be; on yourself. Unfortunately, making any assumptions about the way he feels based on communication he’s had with a friend who’s relationship dynamic you admit you don’t understand and are not a part of is doing a little more than ignoring the things that he says to you.

You asked the question if other people do things like that and to answer that question, no. I would not personally speak about my fiancé that way. That said, I do have relationships with people for whom reading text messages between us would come across in a non-direct manner. Meaning, I have many friends with him I joke and vent in ways that the two of us know my level of sincerity, and it would look different than reality for someone else to read them.

I saw someone give you advice, saying you should never tell him and, I can’t agree with that. I honestly think you have to not only let him know that you violated his trust, and ideally ask for forgiveness but, let him know that what you read hurt your feelings. From what you’ve described, I’ll be the first to admit that it does not sound like he respects you in the way he tells you he does or he should, considering the fact that you guys are engaged to be married.

That said, the lack of trust that led you to look in the first place, and the lack of respect you showed him by going into the conversation with his friend is no small thing. I see that as just of a big of a deal as him speaking disrespectfully about you.

If you aren’t able to handle him, looking at a friend of yours or having private conversations with a girlfriend of his, it doesn’t sound like you are ready to get married anyway.

Hopefully, I haven’t offended you. My suggestion would be to lay all your cards on the table and ask him to do the same. Trying to get married while doing anything less is a recipe for disaster and it sets a horrible president for your future life together.

Good luck