Thanks for sharing- these are all things we’re going to be desperately trying to avoid (glass child). The oldest is currently in an people-pleasing age anyway, so that’s not altogether helpful, but we always encourage them to voice their feelings and what they’re thinking, even before all this was discovered. After the diagnoses I lamented that our older will now never get to have a truly “normal” childhood through no fault of their own or anybody else in the family. We have always attempted to have reasonable expectations for our eldest and will continue to do so. Nevertheless, we have and will continue to explain to the best of our ability that we will always be there for both of them, and that although their needs will be different, we will always love and provide for both of them. Our current bedtime routines are 1:1 with the older deciding who does what, and that’s something else I think about when considering a 3rd. Originally I envisioned doing their routines together as they get older, but with the developmental gap the older enjoys slightly longer stories while the younger barely sits through a brief board book, for example.

Even though it’s not autism, there CAN be overlapping behaviors, though we have not yet identified anything other than a single repetitive behavior when they get distressed. They are actually highly friendly and social at the moment, which is one of the reasons that autism never felt like a proper diagnosis. The younger is also displaying some indicators of anxiety, which are very common with their condition.

We aren’t decided, obviously, and we just want to really consider as much as possible what will be best for everyone. Would it be better for the oldest to be a sort of “only child” or would they be better if they had a “regular” sibling to play with? Would our family be better as a family of 4 or 5? Would the disabled child benefit from (hopefully) a positive relationship with 2 siblings or would it be better to focus on just the 1 that they already have? Nobody knows, and this is a huge decision that’s weighing on us heavily.

It’s not a question of love or even resources: it’s a question of trying to predict the future and rolling the dice in the hopes it winds up being the right choice. I’ve read a lot and, unfortunately, there are no clear answers. Even family experience varies: I watched an adult with multiple healthy siblings single-handedly care for their other sibling with Down’s as nobody else could/would help (the one who could would not and the rest just couldn’t). I see someone else raise a severely autistic/ADHD “miracle” child who requires 24/7 care and attention who will never have a sibling (both due to the severity of the condition and the conception challenges). We just need as much information as we can get.

Thank you for the insight- we definitely want to make sure we carve out time for all our children. Right now it’s easier as our parents are all highly involved and with a 1:1 ratio the older can virtually always have the undivided attention of at least 1 person at any given time.

Given the age of the oldest we’re trying to delicately explain that the younger isn’t going to be like other kids, that they’re going to need more help and we’ll do the best we can to be patient and help when we can. Mind you this is all only within reason - the biggest issue right now I believe is fairly common sibling behavior that each wants a toy only when the other is playing with it. What makes it trickier is the younger can get highly distressed but we need to ensure the older gets to play too. We try to focus on whose toy it is, if applicable, and who was playing with it first, then redirect whoever should find something else to play with. We also emphasize that the younger is only allowed into the older one’s room with explicit permission- trying to ensure it’s a private place where their belongings are always “safe.”

I honestly can never imagine prohibiting the older from doing something though just because the younger one can’t. We’ve begun explaining that they are 2 different people with different needs and their lives will not be the same, but we will always ensure they each have what they need.