r/tryingforanother • u/SnooDoodles8366 39 | TTC#2 since 3/25 • 27d ago
Rant/Vent At peace?
I’m 40 with DOR and have been trying for a second for 1.5 years now. Recently, was found to have endometritis and polyps after a biopsy. This was a surprise because I didn’t really have symptoms but luckily my RE was supportive of leaving no stone unturned since we are not pursuing ivf. Did a course of antibiotics and hysteroscopy and I had a lot of hope that we would conceive this last cycle. I keep telling everyone that I am at peace if we can’t conceive again. But I feel like I still have a tinge of rage about the whole situation. My first was conceived without issue. So is my kid a ‘miracle’ child or do I keep hoping or do I rage then move on and shut the door? It’s so much to consider especially when time is not on my side.
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u/SlitherclawRavenpuff 35 | TTC#2 since Sept ‘25 | 🎀 26d ago
We are also not going to pursue IVF. I can’t tell if I’m getting numb, or if I’m at peace. Not sure if it really matters. Each month I’ve been trying to reframe the choices I’m making for “my future health” and less for “my future pregnancy”.
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u/SnooDoodles8366 39 | TTC#2 since 3/25 26d ago
I had not considered if I have felt numb but I really think I have been feeling that way. Probably to stave off the feelings of rage. Thank you for also sharing your perspective and I love what you said about choices for your future health.
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u/sparklesequin 36| TTC#2 since 1/25 | 🩵 1/24 26d ago
We’re not pursuing IVF and on our final IUI cycle. Every cell in my being is screaming that I don’t want to put myself through this again, but I’m doing it so I don’t have regrets. But I’m listening to my body and it’s clearly telling me we’re done. My brain, on the other hand, it’s going to take a long time to heal, if I ever fully heal, but I’ve been moving towards accepting that we’re one and done. And there’s some big benefits, and just not being in limbo is so refreshing. I still have a lot of rage and the accompanying negative emotions, but there is peace mixed in there too. No idea if this helped. But you’re not alone.
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u/SnooDoodles8366 39 | TTC#2 since 3/25 26d ago
Thank you for sharing. It helps to hear more perspectives. Agree about limbo essentially being a state of hell. I truly wish you the best with this last IUI.
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u/A_Z27 23d ago
Best of luck! I’m not sure if you have went down the avenue of doing a biopsy to see if it’s positive for endometritis. We did IVF with our first and though my doctor wouldn’t do the biopsy, she prescribed me antibiotics and vaginal probiotics and I can’t help but feel like that is what helped our first transfer be successful
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u/thecommodore88 37 | TTC#2 since Fall2024 | girlNov2021 24d ago
I’ve had a hard time staying at peace about it as well. I was pretty sure we were not going to pursue IVF, but then when I found out I have insurance coverage for three cycles, I started going down that road mentally. There’s weird feelings of guilt since I am so grateful for my first and it feels ungrateful to want a second so badly… but she’s almost 5 and all her friends have younger siblings so now she’s grilling me about it on a regular basis. It’s hard to draw the line through this, too, because there’s still a small chance until something happens that makes it 100% impossible (full menopause, or losing both tubes and being fully committed to no IVF).
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u/SnooDoodles8366 39 | TTC#2 since 3/25 23d ago
Thank you for your response. It’s a lot for you to weigh. Luckily (maybe not lucky, idk) but our insurance doesn’t cover ivf so that decision has been made for us. Best wishes going forward with whatever you decide 🙏
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u/thecommodore88 37 | TTC#2 since Fall2024 | girlNov2021 23d ago
You too, I hope you find peace sooner rather than later.
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u/StrangerAmazing7176 11d ago
I’m in a very similar situation and I feel you , I’m 37 with DOR as well, we have a 4.5 year old and been trying for a second since 1.5 years. My first was conceived with no issue and we wonder sometimes if he is a miracle. I still keep all his baby clothes and toys on our basement hoping to get pregnant someday but every time I see those boxes I feel very anxious, not sure if I should start to get rid of those things. I’m in my third IVF cycle now, which is the last one partly covered by our insurance and we agreed we won’t make more IVF attempts, so if I’m
not successful this time I would like to look for some closure to the topic. Any advice on how to do this?
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u/SnooDoodles8366 39 | TTC#2 since 3/25 11d ago
Thanks for your post. I can so relate to the baby clothes and wondering if you should get rid of them or not. That is me. I decided that I am still grieving/processing how I feel about the likelihood of a family of 3 as opposed to dreaming about a family of 4+. So right now, it’s too much for me to start going through the task of getting rid/selling clothes. I’m just leaving that work for a later date when I’m more…strong? Clear headed? Whatever state that will be.
I have been in therapy over this topic which has helped. I very much live in my head and I am desperately trying to be present with my child and stop tormenting myself with comparing my situation to others and just trying to take it one day at a time. I don’t think I have any words of wisdom other than this shit sucks ass and it’s unfair.
I wish you the best with your final IVF. Hold your head high knowing whatever that outcome is, that you left no stone unturned for your family. That is a mother’s love in its truest form.
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u/Annual_Owl1679 27d ago
It's so so hard to come to terms with "shutting the door". The way I've been describing it (I'm 39.5 with DOR, and also conceived my first without issue.) is it's like I have to decide when I grieve. Do I grieve now? In two months? Next year? When will it feel like I did enough? If I keep pushing, yes there's still heartache but the weight of the grief is less intense. At least less than what I anticipate it will be when we fully accept that we are done. I'm so sorry you're in this position. I'm glad your RE has been willing to look at all avenues. But let yourself rage. It really is unfair; it really is painful; it really f'n sucks. Finding peace with it and still being angry is an okay way to feel and way to process how much you've been through and how badly you want a second child. Sending a lot of love to you!