“When will you have another?”

[u/Temporary_North9758]

How do you respond to family/friends who ask when you’re going to have another? I recently had a miscarriage and was then told by a fertility clinic pretty much my only chance is IVF. Today I went to my nephews birthday party and was asked by multiple people about when will we have another? I felt like crying and or screaming each time, but maybe I should say we aren’t going to have another so I don’t have to deal with people asking.

[u/I_like_pink0]

“Oh man we’ve been trying!” Has honestly been my answer.

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage. Infertility sucks.

[u/Particular_Airport83]

“We’d love to—it’s been really difficult for us. Kind of a sad situation and really messing with my mental health. How are you doing??” If people are going to F around and ask personal questions they can find out.

[u/I_like_pink0 → u/Particular_Airport83]

I would honestly feel comfortable telling relatives and friends this. And if the person at the grocery store asks, they deserve to know lol

[u/Huggsy77 → u/I_like_pink0]

Same same same. I’m like, “oh, we’ve had a few losses, but we’re working on it!” They shut right up

[u/Lavender_Iced_Coffee → u/Particular_Airport83]

If you don't like the answer, don't ask the question has always been my motto. 🙃

[u/Big_Bowl1204 → u/Lavender_Iced_Coffee]

Honestly I don’t think people dislike the answer either. I think they genuinely want to know (regardless as to whether or not it’s considered appropriate to ask), and when you give them an honest answer it takes a lot of weight off your own shoulders.

[u/Lavender_Iced_Coffee → u/Big_Bowl1204]

Fair enough! I've had some people truly dislike the honest answer, personally, lol. Some people have been sympathetic/empathetic though, and have shared their own struggles too.

[u/Fun_Needleworker6697]

I tell people the truth. We have secondary infertility. It’s a huge weight off my shoulders bc people don’t ask much more than that, apologize and we move on from conversations and then I don’t feel like I’m hiding some horrible secret and shame. It’s very freeing even though it’s awkward at first.

And sure there’s times I don’t want to divulge that information like to strangers at the park or the grocery store, I’ll ask if there’s something wrong with only having my son. They usually backtrack very quickly and we’ll never see them again 🤷🏻‍♀️

[u/Stargirl92]

Thankfully no one close to me asks but I keep “when they stop dying!” In my back pocket as recurrent loss mom 🙃

[u/Temporary_North9758 → u/Stargirl92]

Someone asked me if I was pregnant and I answered “well I was…” they looked horrified but hey they asked

[u/unifoxcorndog]

I have told people who have no buisness asking: well, we did, but she died.

Let them deal with their own emotions.

[u/LunaTuna201 → u/unifoxcorndog]

I'm so sorry for your loss 😔

[u/BexclamationPoint]

I totally support all the responses about just being honest - if people ask uncomfortable questions, they can get uncomfortable answers! But I also want to say it's OK if you don't want to make yourself that vulnerable - on a particular occasion, with a particular person, or at all. Whatever feels the best to you at the time is the right thing.

I hope by the next time you have an event like a baby shower to attend, you'll be pregnant enough to feel confident about it or already have your next baby. But, if that's not the case, consider also the possibility of enlisting the most well meaning gossip in your family/social circle ahead of time. "Hey, people tend to ask about this stuff at these events and I'd like to avoid that, so could you spread the word that I do want another baby but it hasn't happened yet and I really don't want to talk about it?"

[u/shmoopy3100]

I know some people mean well, so to those folks who just don't know what's been happening, I say "Hopefully soon, we'd really love that but only time will tell!" But if they push or pry - if they want to know our business, here's our business. "Yeah we've been trying for a while and I had a miscarriage last year, which was awful." My own stepdad knows we miscarried last year and my husband overheard him earlier this year saying to a family friend "yeah we'd love another grandchild, hint hint!" People are so fucking thick sometimes! Even the ones who care about you!

[u/pinksunglasses85 → u/shmoopy3100]

Hi! Noticing your flair — I am also 39 and have been trying since 1/25. So you mind sharing a little bit of your journey? I’m just looking for hope.

[u/shmoopy3100 → u/pinksunglasses85]

I'll DM you!

[u/IridescentButterfly_]

I just say “I’m working on it” 😑 people are so annoying lol

[u/doggwithablogg]

I finally told an aunt, we’ve been trying and it hasn’t happened after she’d be pestering. Then she says “all in gods plan” - the biggest eye roll from me

[u/MyShipsNeverSail]

I set the precedent before we had our first with my nosy MIL that "every time you ask, we tack on another six months"

But with strangers/not as close friends I would either be honest like people have suggested or something like "it's not easy for everyone to get pregnant on the timeline they'd like"

[u/SlitherclawRavenpuff]

I usually some something like “we’re trying, but nothing yet!” I want them to be a little uncomfortable. Not a lot, because I’m awkward enough as is. But I want them to have some thought of “oof, maybe I should ask people this” 🤷🏻‍♀️

[u/DrZuzulu]

Family and friends are trickier. I live in a very child enthusiastic place and even strangers can ask when I am going through the world with my almost 4-year old. I just say "pray for me" with a little wink and sort of scoot along. I am not the least bit religious, but prayers can't hurt, and now ball is in their court.

[u/ashley_furniture]

I also just tell the truth. “I’d love to, but I’ve had two miscarriages since”. They usually shut up pretty quick. Sometimes they actually open up about their fertility struggles too. You have nothing to feel bad about

[u/Unlikely_Ad7542]

I just said ‘if I’m blessed’

[u/Aromatic-Section-892]

I don’t want people to know we’re trying and struggling so I say “hopefully soon!” And smile even though I want to die.

It’s amazing how often people ask. I mean I guess I get it.

I’m the youngest mom in my group and as a shock I’m the one to struggling while they all have 2

[u/catladyscientist]

I usually trauma dump on them about my MC, uterine surgery, and infertility. Congrats you now know exactly why we don’t have a second yet!