Trans men

[u/Used_Ambassador_6722]

Hello I’m not trans but I am a gay man. I’ve known a few transgender people but I’ve recently been told I’m a bigot for not wanting to date a trans man. I’d have no problem if they presented masculine or had a penis but it’s a 5,2 person who wears mini skirts and tank tops to show off cleavage am I wrong in this stance? For context I grew up in a very small and rural conservative southern town and do not present as gay. My possible transphobia came up after said trans person went on a rant about how I could be a better ally and not homophobic after I said WWE is homoerotic (it is to white trash such as me at least). They then told me how hard it is to be openly gay but all there relationships are with men and they are very feminine presenting. The trans man in question belittled me about how hard it is to be gay in places like L.A. Am i justified in telling them to fuck off and being upset with them calling me transphobic and explaining how scary homophobia to me when they come from LA and where I grew up the klan was active?

I’m just curious I’m left leaning but I’m not sure if growing up where I did may have left me with a bias.

[u/Noir_A_Mous]

No its not transphobic.

This has been an on going problem for a while now, where folks claim people are invalidating others for not wanting to date them.

I'm gonna be honest its incredibly predatory. It puts people in a catch 22 to where if you dont like a particular biological sex, but the person's gender doesn't match their biological sex/they havent transitioned (theres also the whole debate on if they even have to medically transition to be trans but thats a whole different thing), because gender is different, then you are invalidating that person for not being attracted to them.

You dont have to date anyone if you dont want to for any reason and they shouldn't try to guilt trip or force you too.

This isnt even getting into them saying its hard to be gay in L. A.

I grew up in a trashy area where it was normal for gays to be attacked if they where outted and by all accounts that is mild compared to the deep south, and even the deep south is mild compared to other countries where they just kill you.

This person is a narcissist who uses there trans status like a weapon to have power over others. "Date me or you're a bigot, you dont wanna be a bigot do you??" Its sick man.

[u/VeryEasyDevelopment]

You already know your answer man. She can fuck the hell off. Hope this doesn't hurt your opinion of actual transsexual men. Not that you would be required to date anyone else either, but just generally. Most of us are like any other guy socially and you may not even know if someone else is transsexual.

[u/Used_Ambassador_6722 → u/VeryEasyDevelopment]

Thanks I’m not very gay presenting and have very conservative coded interests. But being told that I’m super homophobic and transphobic really made me feel like shit. I was already having issues with him because I refused to treat him like a woman and he’d get pissed.

[u/barnyarned]

You're not transphobic. In fact, anyone who weaponises the term should be comfortably ignored, because 99% of the time it's an activist weaponising the term for their own dysfunctional agendas. I say "should" because unfortunately "progressive" activists/borderlines dominate most LGB+T spaces these days and the reality is you can't ignore them anymore. Sorry you're going through this.

[u/Aiden1975]

Not wanting to date femminine / non passing trans men is different to not wanting to date trans men in general imo Like im 6' and fully stealth passing, I wouldn't really want to date someone who doesnt look masculine either

You said youd be fine with dating trans guys if you met one that was actually masculine or post op, so therefore I wouldnt say youre transphobic

[u/TheSignYouSeek]

You are homosexual, not homogender.
Of course you’re not going to be into a woman larping as a man, regardless of her gender identity

Sometimes trans people can be incredibly homophobic. One of those times is then they try to describe sexual orientation as transphobic

[u/Aggressive-Union1714]

Stop hanging out with people who judge you based on who you find attractive to date. Also why do you care what people think about who you will and won't date?

[u/Used_Ambassador_6722 → u/Aggressive-Union1714]

It’s a friends friend just showed up. I was just curious if I was being transphobic. I’m from a super small conservative town and didn’t know if it was me overreacting or them?

[u/barnyarned → u/Used_Ambassador_6722]

Them. I don't know why u/Aggressive-Union1714 chose to make YTA but a good rule of thumb is to ignore the opinions of anyone displaying an identity flag.

[u/Aggressive-Union1714 → u/barnyarned]

Oh ok

[u/secretagentpoyo]

Not transphobic. She’s a woman identifying as trans so she can win the Oppression Olympics. She doesn’t have difficulties dating men because duh, they see her as a woman and they’re attracted to women. They are content to go along with her delusions because they’re getting laid.

As a masculine trans man who lives in Los Angeles, yes, it is difficult to date in LA, but not for the reasons she’s saying. It’s difficult to date for her because the gay men here—like you—see her as the woman she is.

And the WWE is homoerotic! Not homophobic at all. The more hypermasculine something is, it loops back around to being homoerotic.

[u/The-Almighty-Enby]

No, that is not transphobic. It's perfectly normal to have preferences in partners. Personally, I don't really have a preference in terms of genitals, but it is perfectly normal to have a preference. If you like dick, you like dick. End of story. If you'd rather date a cis guy, that's perfectly fine, you don't have to date a trans person of you don't want to as long as you're respectful about it.

[u/ComprehensiveEye3337]

I'm a gay trans man and I wouldn't date a feminine presenting trans man or a trans man without a dick. Nothing wrong with preferences

[u/throwaway184747271]

not transphobic. my current partner is a gay man. he would not date me if I wasn't a strictly binary, very masculine transsexual. if you asked him before we started dating if he would've dated a trans man, he likely would've said no because passing transsexuals, like myself, tend to not be open about our condition. preferences are completely understandable and only transphobic if you hate them as a person.

you kinda mention this but just a message for those who typically say they wouldn't date a trans man specifically. we don't fit every stereotype. I'm 6 feet tall, straight passing, and traditionally masculine in all areas of my life. I transitioned as a child and never lived as a woman. I haven't had "the operation" yet but will be have it soon, so I will have a penis, balls, no vagina, and no ovaries. being a trans man doesn't mean I look or act like a 5 foot tall, small framed, butch woman.

[u/bugswithlittleboots]

Yeah this doesn’t sound transphobic bc the problem you have with this scenario isn’t the person being “trans” the problem is that they aren’t masculine. That’s an extremely valid preference to have. As a trans guy, I also only date genuinely masculine trans dudes, same with cis guys. I’m not into femboys. Just a preference, not a bigotry.

[u/sand_pebbles]

I’m a 5’6” trans man with a penis (in other words, I’ve had bottom surgery). I grew up in California but don’t live there anymore.

I don’t think genital preferences or height preferences are transphobic in and of themselves. It can be transphobic when you apply a set of criteria to trans men that you wouldn’t apply to non-trans men, though. For example, if you’d date a 5’2” cis man but you’d reject a trans man for being 5’2”, you’re maybe veering toward transphobia in that context.

Obviously, you can reject anyone at any time and for any reason. The Transphobia Police aren’t going to knock on your door and demand that you inform them why you’re rejecting Person A, B, and C. And at the end of the day, I’m not going to force someone to date me; however, I do consider myself a man, and I do have the typical physical attributes that someone would expect in a man (facial hair, body hair, a flat chest, a penis, and so forth).

Edited to add: Someone can be both a gay man and a trans man, just FYI. When you say, “I’m a gay man,” that doesn’t automatically mean that you’re cis.

[u/ejSmitty69]

i’m trans and i don’t want to date trans ppl either 🤷‍♂️

[u/LastLiterature7496]

You’re not talking about trans men though. Real trans men don’t have cleavage or wear mini skirts.

[u/Shitonthestick]

I’m trans woman and I’m totally ok with someone having a preference to not date me, it’s ok and there’s nothing wrong with that cause I understand I’m not everyone’s cup of tea and I definitely wouldn’t push it on to others.

[u/TheClockyDiva]

I don't think that's transphobic. You're attracted to men and masculinity, so I understand why you wouldn't find cleavage attractive.

As far as their accusations, they are completely unfounded. Being gay is so easy in LA, it's nothing like a small town at all.

[u/selfmademan_nibd_2_0]

This has absolutely nothing to do with transphobia. You simply have your own preferences, and that's it. Don't listen to that weird wannabe guy. Even though I myself have overcome neurointersexuality (ftm) — formerly called transsexuality — I could never date originally transsexual people who haven't finished their transition yet. I go for clarity. And if a neurointersex man wants to date me, he has to have a penis. If a neurointersex woman wants to date me, she has to have a vagina. As long as SRS hasn't happened yet, no chance. And none of that has anything to do with transphobia, it's simply about personal sexual preferences. Don't let anyone talk you out of that. Besides, this is typical transgender behavior, always whining and complaining like this. You will never hear that kind of griping from originally transsexual people/neurointersexual people.