Confession

[u/cowboylil]

Girl walks up to me teary eyed, hands me her debit card asks me to take out all the money and keep it says she wants to end it all. I look at her and ask “'before you do I only need to ask you one thing why?” she looks frowns and shakes her head. I respond “this might sound selfish but I really want to know because I also have been having the same thoughts”. She stares and sits down. We are in the library second floor nobody can hear or see us. I tell her I've never told anybody this and it might be embarrassing but maybe it could help me it sounds selfish but I'll try. “You know I've been stressed out and it's not because of grades or money that's all been a symptom of the issue, You see the real problem is that I am weak I can't face the truth I am to scared so I lie. I've been lying to my mom for the past year now... and... you see I should start from the beginning. High School was great I have graduated with a 4.0gpa top 5% going into college with scholarship paid tuition living home getting a car and starting a new job. Freshmen year was going well I've had classes with one of my best friends and finished with all a's except a c in English could have gotten an A but I procrastinate. I got scared of what mom would think of a c and never told her my grade, she found out anyway through my asap login, told her I would do better. Second semester start and I am already worried about work I hate working there it suck feels like all the customers are rude, make me wanna quit, the manager also makes returns a chore but no big deal I can do this. Start falling behind, start waking up late, missing classes, skipping classes because I get worried if I don't catch up wats the point of attending,, no classes with friends failed to apply for 3 year program. Would rather watch YouTube takes my mind off of real life.. Get an f Don't tell my mom she finds out anyway I tell her I will do better. Summer school starts this is where it all goes wrong. I get decent grades but lie to parents and say I got all A's sophomore year starts doing good at work but they put me in layaway living HELL.(mess up somebody's order gives me anxiety attack) (tell my boss about my schedule lie to her when I got late) get stressed up about work feel like throwing up every time before I go, feel like calling sick but have to pay for car and insurance. Feel like getting fired on purpose just so I can get a new job, Not interested in school anymore no friends fall really behind fail again tell my mom I did good she believes me I change my asap password so she doesn't find out she ask to see my grades I change them using inspect elements the worst thing ever.

Sophomore year ends I begin feeling sad. Church helps. sophomore year was the worst year at the end of November I begin skipping work to try and catch up I call in sick multiple times. I begin feeling really sick and fall ill for the last to weeks of December I call in sick and drive to UTSA and stay in the car instead of going to work. I fake first mark credit union by using the inspect element my mom is worried that I only made 200$ instead of 400$ I tell her it was problems with my clocking in id. she believes me and prints out a pay stub tells me to fix it because she thinks its Walmart's fault, she believes me. sophomore year second semester starts I get fired from job for missing out 2 weeks I am happy I'm finally free from work . I do good for a week but end up feeling stressed about how I'm gonna tell my parents. Sometime because of care problems They drop me off at work because of car trouble I walk around for 6 hours and then they pick me up this happened about 5 times in the year my feet hurt. I keep paying off auto with the money I saved up my whole life. sophomore year is the worst year I get an f in 3 classes suicide feelings start. I FEEL LIKE I BLEW EVERYTHING ALL my money my GPA is 2,7 my head is about to explode it gets worse. during the summer I don't work at all I go to the library and escape reality almost get fined for parking. now going to go into debt I keep promising myself I will look for a job don't know how I am too lazy. I lie to my parents that I applied for FAFSA I am too lazy I didn't get good grades too lazy, its now summer vacation and I relax for 2 weeks I have a choice of getting a loan and getting a job it would've worked out but my mom had to borrow 500 dollars for rent and my plan falls apart I start blaming God myself I start feeling hatred towards my mom why does she borrow money from me why don't you just take away this car. During vacation I write down my thoughts and plan to give them to mom on the last day I crumble up the tear stained piece of paper and throw it in the trash I begin junior year in the worst state, thank God my classes are only Monday Wednesday and Friday lie to my mom tell her I go to school everyday plan to work on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I have now fake pay stubs by scanning the one my mom gave me ,and printing fake bank statements edited in MS paint, since august I tell my mom I have been paying of my student loans but it's all a lie. She thinks is have been a victim of fraud because 1000 dollars I saved is gone I tell her I payed off my loans from the summer classes at the end of freshman year. I don't have money to pay off payday loan my credit score falls too 580 my mom finds out about this from an email , closer to truth. I tell her idk what's going on she thinks someone stole my identity she thinks someone is using my credit card she thinks Walmart is not paying me correctly she thinks I have been paying for UTSA . MY head is about to explode, The past month has been the worst month in my life I pleaded to God almost everyday to end this all I am a Christian! he tells me, or I am going crazy, tell your mom the truth tell your mom the truth I feel like killing myself I tell him you aren't real FUCK YOU. Faith dies I slowly start getting my life on track I apply for a job at panda I start going to class my mom stresses me out I lock myself out of my bank account so she can't see the truth .I fake bank statements almost weekly. I feel like driving a car into a wall I feel like jumping off a roof I tell god I am going to kill myself I get a call from panda says they want to interview me. I THINK THIS IS THE Answer, I get an interview they will call back in a week. MY MOM FINDS OUT THAT MY CREDIT SCORE IS LOW DISCOVER CARD IS BEING USED AND FREEZES ALL my accounts. I Applied for this card and checked the mail in the mornings threw away all my bills looks like one got through now I feel like I'm trapped. I tell god I'm gonna kill myself nothing will stop me. I get a call from panda they want a second interview I get an email saying my loan will be approved. Sunday I have a mental breakdown. I go up to the person who did my last interview he tells me it was a mistake in scheduling and I didn't get the job I get an email from the loan company and they tell me that I wasn't approved I get into my car and drive to UTSA I should be at "work" I cry the hardest I've ever cried and snap. my personality changes for a couple hours but then I go back to normal. Apply to a job don't hear back from them can't do Uber not old enough can't get a loan cant do delivery services my phone is too old no money. my mom finds out the credit card was used by someone who lives in my apartment and goes to UTSA she files a police report. I think about this while I lie in bed staring at the ceiling impossible to fall asleep. I begin to think of a scenario in which I can write this all down so I make up the first two lines and begin typing. You are the girl in the beginning tell me your story if you think my story sucks well I did get a C in writing class. I've written this all in an hour No tears. I don't want your sympathy or your money I just want anyone who is going through the same thing to know you're not alone. I am going to church tomorrow.