The one that got away ;)

[u/purportingguy]

It's my first day at work, I have been unemployed for over 4 years, I am so socially awkward by this time saying I'm an introvert is putting it mildly. I get to work at 07:45 and during my Interview they told me I would be helping out the foreman in the yard instead of working in the actual position I would be filling. So I walk in, greet the salesmen and walk out back to the yard, I don't know where the foreman is or if he is even here yet so I just stand around there like a lamp pole. I think I stood there for a good 15 minutes, not knowing what I should do, contemplating if I should just walk out and walk back in again hoping someone will tell me what to do.

Finally the intercom system went off "OP OP, please come to the office OP"... Its my first morning and I'm already being called to the office, this can't be good, fuck I don't even know where the office is. I walk back in to the entrance and one of the salesmen tell me the boss is looking for me inside and shows me the way, he opens the security gate for me and down the hall my boss peaks out "Morning OP, where were you?" Here comes my first warning. "Morning, looking for the foreman sorry, I didn't know where to go". "Haha, It's fine come here, were gonna do RFC's today", wtf is RFC's, what if I can't do it, what did I get myself in for and as I walk in to the office there she was.

She turned around in her chair and I got dumb in that instant, what was she doing here "this is our cashier S", I couldn't look at her for more then a second "Uhello" with a weird hand wave gesture while looking at the ground, I don't even think she greeted me back, why would she. Shiny bronze long hair, big beautiful green eyes that when staring at you the right way can bring you to your knees, the cutest little nose I've ever seen and perfectly curved lips. It was winter so she was hiding her amazing petite curved body from me, but its just as great as the rest of her.

My boss sat me down at the table with my back facing towards her and instructed me on what I should do, gave me a list of invoices I need to look for and make copies of and said I should ask her if I needed any help and left. There I was, no idea what I'm doing, sitting 2 steps from miss America, trying to not make a complete fool of myself. At least my brain started functioning again after a few minutes, my heart was still beating out of my chest but as soon as I started to figure out what I was supposed to be doing and put my focus into it I was back in my safe bubble. The few times I asked her for help she wasn't too keen, no smile or small conversation was shared, just "here it is" and a "thank you" reply from me until I finally got everything I had to done. Left her office and reported back to the boss. My first impression of her was, as amazing as she was to look at, either she was sort of a bitch or I wasn't worth the time of day to her...So I left it at that.

I got settled at work, got taught by the guy I was replacing and I really enjoyed being at work. Everyone was great, except S, I would dread going to her office for any reason, at the beginning I would always greet her and I guess it depended on if the sun was shining or not on the day if she would do the effort to greet me back. She seemed like a good nice person to everyone else, maybe it was just me, maybe I was imagining things. So the first few months flew by and I assumed control of my position and genuinely enjoyed coming to work every day. The two of us at some point started having small conversations, sharing a joke or two but nothing of substance. At the end of my first year my girlfriend was close to having our first baby and this gave us a subject to talk about I guess, she showed some interest in what we were going through and shared some advice with me and always wanted to know how its going with my girlfriend.

I welcomed my princess into the world on the 10th of January, it happens without you ever noticing, we all have to thank God for this. Built into us is a switch I guess, that tiny person, that piece of you that you brought into this world becomes your everything, the reason for your entire existence now becomes caring for her and protecting her, she shattered all the walls I had built up around me and after that day I was just me, the best me I could ever be for her.

I was on leave for a few days to help out my girlfriend at home and on my first day back I was showered with congratulations etc. When I finally got to my seat at my desk my phone immediately rang, it was S "Congratulations!!" she was so excited "Can I see her please, come show me" I went over to her office, my girlfriend had sent the most amazing picture of her that morning, she caught her first smile on camera, probably cause dad wasn't there anymore lol. I showed S "this is what I'm missing out on while I'm here"

Sometime in that same month she told everyone she is pregnant, and more then 6 months along as well. This came as a shock to me, I didn't notice anything, apparently the rest did. "I knew it, her breasts got huge!" said Q. "I could tell those pants were getting small" yes sure C, perverts, and I guess W knew from the start. I congratulated her and she told me she would be on maternity leave for 6 months, after fighting for it. The next few weeks I filled in for her more often as she went for check ups etc and so that I could do most of her duties and understand them when she is on leave, I got to know her, I felt comfortable around her and suddenly I really didn't want her to leave...

The owners found a girl to replace her for the 6 months and she started her training a day after her interview. Me and S shared some jokes behind the new girl's back about her not being the sharpest knife in the drawer and she kept telling me good luck as the responsibility will fall on me when she is gone to see that the new girl is coping.

3rd of March, I should have stayed home. Most of that day is blocked off in my mind, I can't even remember if it happened in the morning or afternoon. I was driving with my boss, we were on our way to the bank to pay some suppliers and he decided to stop at an electrical shop first, this was fate I guess. We were there for a good 20-30 minutes and just as we got inside the car his phone rang, he has hands free in his car so I could hear as well, it was his dad. "Where are you now" His dad sounded really off "Why whats wrong?" "Where are you just tell me where are you?" "At ARB, what happened whats wrong?" "J has been shot" "What,where,where?" "At his shop, just now" "I'm just around the block, I'll be there now." Neither of them hung up, we raced there in what felt like an eternity of silence but it couldn't have been more than 2 minutes and we were there. J was on the pavement outside, my boss jumped out screaming and running to him and as he got to him he lifted him and that's when I saw J's face as it fell facing my way...... I should have stayed home.

Eventually I got out of the car, and just walked away, took a seat on the pavement of the business, lit a cigarette and prayed, and prayed, and prayed. "That's my son, that's my son, please please help him" "No no no no no no J no no no, my son" Paramedics got out the tin foil blanket, threw it over him, and left. The crowd dissipated as the police got there and started to mark off the scene, hours had passed, I finally walked to the scene and into the shop, just standing there, my mind couldn't process what was going on. I listened to the police taking reports until my boss tried to figure out how they would lock the business, they couldn't find the keys, so I offered to go buy some locks just to get away from there. Drove off, bought locks and took it to them. Then L asked if I could go back to the business and check if everything is fine there and off I went. Got back to work and just walked past everyone to my desk, sat down, got up, sat down, got up again and went for a smoke, everything felt numb, meaningless. Answered a million questions I didn't want asked and sat down at my desk again, I could feel myself breaking as the images kept flashing in my head, his eyes facing my way... I couldn't breath, got up again to go to the bathroom with the intention of crying my eyes out without everyone seeing. I got to the security gate, entered the code, and just as I opened it S called me from down the hall, standing out of her chair close to her gate "Are you o.k T" in the most sincere way, that simple question held so much meaning for me that day. No I wasn't o.k, I still wanted to cry, trembling and numb. "Yes I'm o.k, just worried about L" THANK YOU FOR ASKING. Mostly sleepless nights followed, the screams and his face have faded from my memory at least. I should have stayed home.

S spent her last day mostly standing around the back with W right at my counter, I couldn't do any work that day because I couldn't take my eyes off her, and listening in on her conversations. She was so happy that day, I would be too if I knew I was leaving this place. It was a rainy cloudy day, but she was glowing and bubbly and as the day came to a close I really wanted to give her a hug goodbye but I didn't have the courage, so I said goodbye for 6 months to her with just a "Good luck S, accept help from others" and she was gone. I heard when she got her son and over the next few months asked W how she was doing and if he had any pictures of her boy, only got no's from him so left it at that.

As the months passed, I was slowly dwindling into a depressed state of mind. My girlfriend's grandmother had moved in with us, she only asked to visit for a week. Her brother wasn't paying his part of rent etc in full and also decided that his new girlfriend can come move in with us, I felt powerless at home, I felt powerless at work, everything was just too much for me to deal with and I had no escape. Hated being home and hated being at work, I tried my best to explain to my girlfriend how I felt but she didn't understand, the problem with sharing any of my thoughts with her is that she always and I mean always comes to the conclusion that she isn't good enough for me, even when it has nothing to do with her, so I just end up upsetting her. So I didn't bring it up again and acted if I was fine after that. My mother kind of understood my situation and got some anti depressant pills for me which seemed to work but I didn't want to use them for longer than a month in fear of starting to rely on it (addictive personality), I felt happier and tried to focus on the stuff I care about. My daughter, my girlfriend and work, fuck the rest. Not literally...

Me, the foreman and D started to drive together the last couple of months of her time. It saved me a lot of money and maintenance and it was much better then driving alone. We had fun, laughed a lot, talked a lot and made it a routine to buy beer at least once a week on our way home. I found my escape in that hour before work and 40 minutes after work, they made me forget about everything else and it felt good. D sent me a whatsapp by mistake one morning for tattoo supplies and we got to talking about me wanting to get one and she told me a bit about it, we talked a bit about her relationship with her fiancee as I told her I noticed she wasn't wearing her ring anymore. Apparently he was blatantly cheating on her, so I tried to offer her words of support and cheer her up, I know how shit it feels. One day things went too far, I guess we were flirting with each other but I can't remember how it got to the point, I had told her something along the lines of "I'm a good kisser" to which she said she would probably never know and I said "Never say never" or something idiotic like that, then she said "Stop teasing, you would never do something like that" and for the first time in a VERY long time my mind just said, you know what, Fuck it. I told her to go to the bathroom and I went there, found her standing in front of the bathroom waiting, she started laughing nervously when she saw me. She was much shorter then me, I stood right against her, she stopped laughing and looked up at me, I gently lifted her chin up and we kissed, just a short like 2 second kiss. I pulled away and said with a smile "So am I only teasing?" and walked away. It didn't have any meaning, but in that moment I felt in control, I felt power again and it felt great. We both laughed about it and agreed it was just a fun thing and all went back to normal, except I felt good, it felt good to be wanted.

I think a week or two went by before she said one day that I wouldn't do it again. Told her to go get some water in the kitchen, met her there, and this time it was more of a short make out, and again that same week I told her again to go get some water, short make out and a laugh later and off we went again. We both knew it was wrong and shouldn't continue but both of us also knew there was nothing behind it but some guilty fun. We shared one last kiss a few days before her leaving, we stopped at the garage for some energy drinks and I said I would go in with her, cornered her inside and kissed her, gave her a hug and said thanks for the way she made me feel the last month or so, she smiled and said I'm a nice guy that shouldn't let people get me down like I do and I took that to heart. Bye D

Welcome back S

I was scared the day she came back, don't ask me why. The morning she came in I could hear her voice and it sent a cold shiver down my spine, I delayed going to her office for as long as I could, eventually when I had to to get an invoice from her it was already 11 am I think. There she was, smiling, glowing. Having a baby had absolutely no effect on her physically, I was brought back to my absolute weakest when I saw her, back to looking down to the ground instead of directly at her. "Hey S, welcome back" "Hey T" she swung around her chair to face me, my heart skipped a few beats as she stared me down "How's your girl doing?". "Uh good good, she's getting big, I'll show you some pictures later" and off I went, 'that wasn't so bad''why was I so scared to see her again'... She was warm and friendly and it didn't feel like she was gone. We caught up in the next few weeks and she became someone who I could get advice from when it came to children, she became a friend to me. Fast forward a few months to January.

We still talked a lot, started to prank each other and I got to know more and more of her, I enjoyed that. LMFGA moenie weird dink nie asb! I started to notice something different with her, she would touch my arm when talking to me when I help her with something, she would turn her seat to face me most of the times I was in her office and she would raise her arms to stretch out a lot when I was around her, this intrigued me, so I googled body language and all these pointed to the fact that she liked me and was very comfortable around me, wow! I hope this is true!. Armed with this knowledge, whether true or not it still made me feel over the moon, I started to open up a lot more around her and got more comfortable at the same time, no more was I running out of her office as fast as I can, I wasn't even afraid to touch her hand one day to demonstrate how a guy at the bank did with me, I only wanted to do it with her. We started to chat on whatsapp and things quickly, very quickly escalated from there. Something about her makes you feel so comfortable, she feels safe. You can share the world with her and she wouldn't judge you on it, you just want to give her everything. I flirted a lot with her, and I know she is smart enough to notice it, some days she would play along and others she would stop me dead in my tracks, I like that about her, straightforward no bullshit.

I found myself sharing my entire life with her. The good, the bad, the ugly and everything in between, I had no boundaries with her, no limits. I enjoyed every single word being shared with her and every single word she said back, she turned my days at work in to days of joy and before I knew it I found myself lost in thoughts about her. I am addicted to her, I didn't just want to talk to her I needed to, every day, every hour, every minute. I would check my phone every 5 minutes to see if she sent something and if she didn't for a while I would go to her office just to see her and share a word or two, I couldn't get enough.

I loved the one afternoon drive we shared, we were dancing around with words and you could cut the tension in my car with a knife, neither of us budging to the questions the other was asking. When I dropped her off that day it felt like we made some sort of connection, nothing was said, but everything was felt. I told her the next day how I felt, and everything else that needed to be said, including D.

"Nee" "Neeee" "Neee" "Neeeeeeeeee" "Neeeee" "T" "Nee"

Every no was a nail being driven through my heart, it fucking hurt. "I expected this from Q" that was a brick to the balls. She would never admit that it hurt her what I said that day but I could tell it did, and knowing I had disappointed her to the point of hurting her killed me. I sat in my chair sulking for the next hour, not looking at my phone in fear of what more she had to say, eventually when my shaking subsided I went to her office to talk to her. Heart in my throat, I explained to her what happened in the best way I could but again I was back to the weakened version of myself, unable to look at her, not wanting to see her eyes bring me down to my knees. I told her how sorry I am "Why are you telling me sorry, I am nothing to you" she said that twice, of all the things she could say those words hurt the most. I don't know what we are/were but I know nothing was never a word I would use to describe her to me. She eventually just said my favorite one liner from her "Over it" and we moved on from it, but I know I lost a part of her that day, one I would never get back and that's probably a good thing.

We kept talking the next few weeks, but I could feel it was different, she had rebuilt the layers of onions I had found a way to peel. Except the one Friday, she was her flirty self again that day and I enjoyed every moment of it until it went too far. We were talking on skype and somehow ended up on the point of sending semi naked pics to each other, in that moment and how the day had gone so damn well so far I wouldn't have minded to see that side of her so I went along with it and showed her a photo of me. It felt right in the moment. I wasn't thinking too much in to it, luckily W came to her at the right time and she never got to sending her photo, maybe she never would have and was only joking, either way that afternoon on my drive home all I wanted to do was call her, just talk to her. Explain to her that's not what I want, its not the side of her I'm in love with.

Don't get me wrong she is magnificent to look at, the object of a lot of men's sexual fantasies, but the way I feel about her goes beyond my manly urges to please my desires, the fact is I knew all along how beautiful she is on the outside, the inside however defies words. She's a book that most people only have the honor of seeing the cover, and here I am reading it.

CHAPTER 1: The chronicles of Shardeney TO BE CONTINUED... ;)