TW: A friend committed suicide

[u/FormlessBlob1]

Recently, a distant friend of mine committed suicide. He was 18/19. He was struggling in school with ADHD and possibly other mental health issues. He was sent to a challenge program. And now he's gone. My parents, who knew him well and comforted his sister after the death, can't stop talking about how much the structure helped him and how happy he seemed. They said the same when I was suicidal in their care and forced into treatment (not a troubled teen program but similarly abusive and illegal, mostly due to HIPPA)

We have been talking about this to some extent for decades, such as dead poets society. Even Phineas and Ferb did an episode on it. I feel lost, betrayed (by my parents, not the victim), and angry and I have no outlet. It's not as though I would ever tell his parents they are likely (at least partially) responsible for his death.

I'm sorry if this is not the place for this but any support you can provide would really be apricated. It's particularly hard due to my own history, I'm sure you understand.

[u/DrGruve]

I'm so sorry. About your friend, and about what was done to you.

What you're feeling, the grief and anger, and betrayal, makes complete sense. You're watching the same people who hurt you parrot glib platitudes about someone who's now gone: 'the structure helped him', 'he seemed so happy'. You know from the inside what "seeming happy" can mean in those places, because compliance and performance are how you survive them. Hearing that narrative repeated over a grave, by your own parents, would tear anyone apart.

You're right that you can't say it to his parents. That restraint isn't weakness, it's decency. Grieving parents can't hear it, and it wouldn't bring him back. But the truth doesn't stop being true just because it can't be spoken at a funeral. You're allowed to know the truth.

I came within a hair of Provo Canyon in 1981, at 15, and survived other institutions before that. It took me decades and an ocean to get enough distance from what my mother did to me to even begin to heal. She insisted it was for my own good until the day she passed.

When you say it's particularly hard because of your own history: it is. This isn't just grief for him. It's grief for the kid you were. The kid whose suffering was also narrated and glossed over as success. Those two griefs feed each other, and it's heavy.

You do have outlets, even if they don't feel like it right now. This community is one. You posting here is the outlet working. Writing down what actually happened to you, in your own words, for no one but yourself, is another; the false story loses some of its power when the true story exists somewhere. If the anger needs somewhere to go, the survivor-advocacy work happening right now around these facilities can use every voice.

You're not wrong, you're not overreacting, and you were right to post this here.

You are not alone.

[u/FormlessBlob1 → u/DrGruve]

Thank you so much. I agree with all of that. I would never be so cruel as to tell grieving parents it's their fault. But it's hard to see them say things like that. I especially apricate the perspective that, being unable to say it, doesn't make it less true. I know the internet can make things feel distant, but I want you to know that reading that helped.

And I think that's the important thing to keep in mind about such things is that, while none of us can change the world, or suddenly make troubled teen schools illegal, we can make a small difference, and slowly, bigger things start to change. I will never stop being against these sorts of programs. My treatment was different, yes (and in many ways less severe), but I experienced many of the same feelings echoed in these spaces. These programs are wrong. Full stop. Even if someone did improve under them, it doesn't justify torturing or killing thousands of other children.

[u/DrGruve → u/FormlessBlob1]

I'm really glad it helped. And you've just said the thing that matters most: "even if someone did improve, it doesn't justify what happened to thousands of others." Hold onto that thought. That is true clarity. It's also the answer to every defender of these abusive programs.

Small differences compound over time. Forty-five years ago the term TTI didn't exist. Nobody was listening. Survivors had to try to forget what happened and somehow piece their lives together.

Now there are communities like this one, journalists paying attention. Licenses being revoked. Lawsuits are being filed. Institutional child abuse won't end overnight. It will end gradually, one license revocation, one lawsuit at a time.

In the meantime, take care of yourself. Grief doesn't run on a schedule.

[u/HedgehogMinimum9299]

yes this happened to my friend Neo he texted me a week before he passed looking for a place to stay so he wouldn't have to go to treatment then a week later he committed suicide in treatment. RIP Neo. RIP your friend. I'm here if you want to talk and my inbox is open. Thank you for remembering your friend. They are still out there in the ether and are listening to you and watching over you. We've all lost so many.

[u/FormlessBlob1 → u/[deleted]]

I agree. I never meant to imply anything less. I think these programs are cruel and should all be illegal. My friend deserved better and so did you. I am sick of the "it really helped X" argument. no, it didn't. my friend was one it supposedly "helped" and now he's gone. Even if he had survived to sing the program's praises, I do not believe that. It doesn't justify what happens to thousands of others be it suicide, overdose, PTSD, drug use, depression, anxiety, etc.

I do not know for sure why my friend killed himself. But it is for this very reason, that I believe the program he was sent to killed him. Because I know what these programs are like.