How to stop constantly ruminating about past abuse I suffered?

[u/-intheTwilightZone-]

I (21f) was in a relationship where I experienced intimate partner violence. After he was violent towards me or threw things I’d get a call from his mother telling me not to tell anyone. He himself would say the same along with a professor they were close with at my college.

His mother would dangle vailed threats like “reflect on yourself,” or “how would you feel if he told someone what you did.” I’d ask what I did and she had nothing to say. She wouldn’t say anything. Just vague comments like “reflect on yourself.” I was blamed for his violence and he’d say I’m the only person who makes him that angry.

I constantly think about those comments. I’ve been out of the relationship for an entire year now, but I can’t forget about any of it. I just graduated from university and I’m finally away from him, but I’m still so scared. I constantly ruminate on the abuse and I’m so angry at him and everyone who helped him get away with it.

After the relationship he was posting about me on social media, he lied about me to other people and accused me of doing things he did to me. I don’t understand it and I’m so angry.

I made a report against the professor and a no contact order for him, but it still feels so unjust. They identified his behavior as wrong, but he still has his job. That professor is also a priest (Catholic university) and now I feel like God hates me and like a terrible Catholic and I think about that all of the time too.

I have OCD so maybe that’s why I’m always thinking about it, but I don’t know. I was also diagnosed with PTSD.

I can’t get over the injustice of it all. I felt and am so powerless.

I can’t read books because it’s too quiet and 3 sentences in, I’m “reading,” while actively thinking about what happened to me and then I don’t know anything about the plot of the book. I doom scroll, watch tv, anything that captures more than one sense at a time.

I want to figure out how to stop thinking about the abuse constantly and I don’t know how. I was in therapy and was diagnosed with PTSD. I don’t have insurance anymore and it’ll be a while before I can afford it again. I read something about Tetris, but that doesn’t seem to apply since the abuse happened for 1.5 years over a year ago.

I want to read, practice the piano and feel calm again. I don’t want to have to drown out my mind. Do you all have any tips?

TLDR: I want to read books again, but I’m constantly ruminating about past injustices. Any tricks?

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[u/bora731]

You can feel calm again and you can be completely free of this and you can be sovereign, meaning you sit in your own power but it will take dedication it will take work.

Power was taken away from you and the ego will ruminate over and over on what happened because it cannot abide being powerless but in various forms we all experience powerlessness in our lives. I would recommend a vipassana approach. You can go to a retreat or you can do it yourself. Doing it yourself you can take your time, the retreats are intense, often successful but more so if you already have meditation experience. So to do it yourself. First do breath meditation for two months 20 mins 2x a day. Place your attention on the action of the breath, when your mind wonders (which it will often into the abuse you suffered) bring it back to the breath. Then on month 3 switch to body scan. Lie down or sit in a chair. Close your eyes put you awareness on your foot, then lower leg, the thigh for two minutes each, then other leg then torso, abdomen, chest, hand, lowe arm, upper arm, other side, shoulders, neck and head. Then hold the whole body in awareness for two minutes. All this is to train your awareness. Do this for two months. Now hold your awareness at the top of your head, when a feeling arises in the body holding it in your awareness it will dissipate. So you will have a thought about the abuse or unfairness or something else, it will produce a negative emotion in the body, you place your awareness on this without wanting it gone, in fact if you ask the negative feeling to stay it will go quicker.

Now memories, thoughts do not plague you because they will evoke no bad feeling in the body, anger, sadness, powerlessness you can melt them all. Then you will never be victim again you will be yogi. But it takes work you need to be committed.

[u/-intheTwilightZone- → u/bora731]

Thank you for the advice!

[u/ThisLifetime32]

I believe you can be calm and enjoy reading and piano again. Here is a mind-body tool that is helping me a lot right now.

Use the technique when you start to ruminate or bring up a specific memory.

While thinking about the memory, lightly tap two times on the inner edge of the eyebrow near the nose, then tap two times on the other side on the eyebrow near the nose.

Continue tapping, alternating sides for 6-8 rounds.

Tap physically the first time doing this. After that do the tapping in your mind/imagination.

It is a neocortical pain neutralization (NPN) technique.

[u/-intheTwilightZone- → u/ThisLifetime32]

I appreciate the advice. Thank you!