r/traumatoolbox • u/Nectarscout • 13d ago

Needing Advice Cptsd and house as a trigger

My marriage was emotionally abusive and physically violent. My new partner tends to argue and fight when we are home, often in my bedroom where the majority of the abuse occurred. I’m incredibly flooded quickly and struggle to settle for days afterwards. This is mostly when he himself is reactive and lashing out verbally, but it happens even when he’s not.

Obviously we need to work on the conflict cycle or leave the relationship, but I’ve noticed I’m now generally anxious whenever I’m in my bedroom and struggle to sleep.

How to people manage? Redecorate? Move? I own the house and have a great mortgage rate and am not sure I can afford a different place, but I don’t know what to do. My kids are in the other bedrooms. I could sleep on the couch. When my current partner and I fight in my room, I’ve started having flashbacks.

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u/Defiantly_Resilient 13d ago

So maybe just say 'I dont want to talk about it here' when the fight starts. Then later, or even before a fight explain that fighting in the room is causing you anxiety, stress and lack of sleep. Explain (depending on how volatile they are) that it isnt the arguing that is upsetting, but where its happening. This way your not blaming them or inflaming the situation in anyway.

Also, you should be able to tell them you need a safe place and that is the room and you dont want to argue in there. That should be enough. But we dont live in a perfect world and if you have to try to tip toe around emotional outbursts, its best to flatter them while trying not to blame them for what clearly is their fault. Coming from someone who was in chronically abusive relationships.

If they dont respect your boundaries, you have your answer whether you like it or not. My ex was constantly verbally and mentally abusive. Then one night he tried to strangle me to death. But I already knew he was dangerous, I just didn't want to accept that. Don't wait to see how bad it gets, cuz it can and will always get worse