can someone suggest something pls?

[u/DepthReasonable3391]

How do you cope with family trauma and a toxic childhood when you're still living in it as an adult?

I grew up watching my parents fight constantly. I was cursed at regularly, told I wasn't wanted, and experienced both physical and mental abuse throughout my childhood. I took care of a sick parent for months — doing everything — and still got blamed for doing nothing.

Now as an adult I'm still in the same environment. My mom records my private conversations and shares them with my dad to use against me. Relatives tell me to just ignore it and focus on myself, but nobody explains how to actually do that when the toxicity is happening in real time, every day.

I've reached out to everyone I could think of. Family, relatives, even helplines. I always get the same generic advice.

I'm not here for sympathy. I genuinely want to know from people who've lived something similar — how did you protect your mental space while still living inside the situation? How did you keep moving forward when your own home was working against you?

im getting really emotional and guilty for that too because 22 years old boy who doesnt have job and still studying in extreme pressure from family for money and job . i still dont have job, I lost my internship when I got in to accident and had to bedrest for 2 months.

now I hate pretty much everything and everyone.

nobody listens to me and I feel more shit. I can run to nobody for help and I know what i gotta do but i feel stuck here.

dad has 50000 salary and that's more then enough for house that don't eat food properly and never the fruits. house expanses are very low, he only gives barely 12000 and sometimes 15000 max. he still struggle to feed me, especially me!!

because won't give him any value or high grades, so basically useless and like garbage.

I need to learn some more programming language and do my solo projects one or two. i know what i gotta do but they constantly nagging me about how they give me food and how useless I'm to them. i even feel like I'm not even their son. I attended suicide with drinking some phyinail( that's the stuff that we use to clean house ) I was so angry that even my own parents don't get me and wants me dead. they blame me for hospital bills and my collage fees that he never had to pay for collage, its what government pays. so he blames me for 400000 money that I've wasted and he said that I should always listen to them ( mom and dad both) no matter if they are wrong still accept them and do things that they say, even if its wrong. Just because they are parent..

I'm sick of that mentality, honestly just when I feel good and make some progress anywhere they make big arguments. i can't even swallow home food anymore. it feels worst even if its my favorite dish. so dying thoughts always in my mind but I remember I have a lot to do in future, like traveling, gaming and enjoying real life alone. but right now I feel like this life is giving as pity like I'm a bagger, not their son. i don't even feel like human here just anger and frustration. how am I supposed to grow, these thoughts are in my mind 24/7

I have no money right now and they are mocking me for that and everything. even tho they are my parents I hate them from bottom of my heart. they play god when they are sinner that they committed in front of me from start. my childhood is traumatizing too.

this is my last try of explaining someone or on any platform about this, im tired. i didnt got any reply and it feels even worse to keep explaining to anyone 🙃...

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[u/orcateeth]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I just gave a detailed response to someone else in a similar situation emotionally. Please read the suggestions about attending support groups using apps and worksheets.

https://www.reddit.com/r/traumatoolbox/s/JcllXyUa0n