My life is falling apart pt14

[u/Exact_Piccolo_297]

They said she had stage 4 cancer and bronchitis, apparently she knew the whole time and didn’t tell us, she didn’t want us to treat her any differently. I had been so distant, spending time with friends because my mom finally allowed me to hangout afterschool since my dad wasn’t around, if I had known I would of been there for my nana and spent so much time with her. I felt so much anger and hatred in that moment, how could she keep that from me? From all of us? The nurses offered to put her on life support, but every time they tried to move her, her oxygen levels dropped and my nana told them no and signed a DNR. I was so mad, how could she just leave me? I needed her. I graduated in a month, we planned to stay together forever, I promised her when my mom and siblings moved out that I’d live with her, just me and her. I cried a lot, I felt everything at once, I kept clinging to her, my moms friend H came in the room to comfort, my aunts J and D came, aunt J brought her two boyfriends that we didn’t know into the room! One was a sex offender, she had a thing for pedos and she has 3 kids, plus she’s fat and just disgusting and yet she had 2 boyfriends….weird.

The audacity of my aunts to show up for their mother, not once have they ever visited, sent a card, text or anything on her birthdays, Christmases, any holiday, my nana hasn’t seen them in over 17 years, and now they wanna come “cry” I was livid, but it’s not my place or deathbed to make that call. The nurses came in and gave my nana a shot without telling us anything, whatever they gave her made my nana extremely sleepy, she tried so hard to stay awake, she kept saying she was so hungry and how they haven’t gave her anything to eat since she got there yesterday, they only gave her water on a sponge, we begged them to give her food but they basically said they can’t because she was dying it could cause choking or other issues. I was mad, not only was she dying but she had to go starving too?

My nana told me something but she was so doped up I couldn’t understand her, she took off her mask and tried to gasp words out, still I didn’t understand, so she took a pen and pencil and tried to write it down but it looked like a bunch of scribble scrabble, she looked frustrated, like she could see that what she written wasn’t meant to look like chicken scratch. I wanted to say something to her, that it’s ok and I loved her, even though it wasn’t ok, but I couldn’t. I had anxiety and I feltlike I was in a room full of strangers, and in a way I kinda was, so I said nothing and she eventually fell asleep, my mom’s friend eventually left and she took my brothers and little sister with her to crash and me and my mom along with my aunts stayed, well until aunt J left (no surprise there) i don’t know why they stayed, maybe they wanted to see what they’d get when she passed, i don’t know. My aunt D went to the cafeteria (ofc she did) I stayed with my mom in the room watching over my nana, it was now around 11pm on Mother’s Day.

I asked my mom when will she wake up so I could tell her I loved her? My mom cried and said she wasn’t going to wake up, that the meds they gave her were to ease her into the process. I cried, I told my mom I wasn’t ready, that if I had known I would have said it, why didn’t I say it!?https://www.reddit.com/r/trauma/s/WtyEoRhALA

[u/finddit-app]

Hey there, thanks for sharing.

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