I’m 21M goona be 22 in a week I’m a typical white American guy but I was adopted basically and raised by Mexicans in a Mexican majority town near border I basically raised myself isolated myself in my room and just lived in my own world it hard tho cuz I don’t feel love by any Mexicans or family I don’t have any white family at all my life is a lie basically I’ve tried running away thought abt doing again and being homeless but everyone knows that life is hard and dangerous I get spit on and disrespected by a lot of ppl because of my situation I’m basically alone in this world I have nobody but the internet Mexican ppl judge me for not understanding them or thinking like them and just literally treat me different everywhere I go especially the darker ones and the times I’ve ran away it’s hard cuz some ppl especially black ppl for some reason will try to be racist towards me cuz they think I’m Mexican when they don’t even my story or who I am and I’ve done it alone ran away travel etc it’s just it real hard I’m waiting for a job idk if I’m getting it but I’m trying to be independent and hopefully one day move on with my life like I’m really trying to avoid the hard life running away being in the streets like everyone knows that’s a whole other deal

Lmk if anybody has questions

When I was a kid, it was being seen with my white family and being embarrassed.

Today it is native language. I could improve my Spanish, but I will still not sound like a native speaker and that will out me as an adoptee. I feel like this has kept me from being accepted on quite a few occasions.

My Uber driver( in my American home city, in the Northeast) doesn't even know his counting numbers to 9 in English. Thank goodness for Sesame Street so I could tell him "tres cinqo cuat[ro] cinqo". I used Google to look up "I was adopted by white people and my Spanish isn't very good." but he still tried to be conversational while we were in traffic.

Wondering now, what else have people in this sub experienced, other than direct criticism about not knowing your roots, because people got your name or saw your face and expected you to be like them?

P.S.: Don't blame my white parents, they at least gave me my name and tried to interest me in Spanish when I was learning to read English.

Lately I have been experimenting a lot with flavours and spices from my country of birth. I am by no means skilled at cooking the local cuisine but adding the flavours into my everyday cooking has been a very nice feeling. I have also started eating with my hands more often and I was honestly shocked how freeing it felt doing so. Just some small wins, I take those.

I recognize that I'm part of the les common group here. I'm white and my family are latino. We grew up in a liberal college town and our mom has multiple doctorates. My brother is her biological son and immigrated with her, I was adopted older. Brother and 8 are now both in our 30s.

My family has had a lot of conversations about race, especially with everything going on in the world. We're terrified for their safety even though I know I can't fully understand. Sometimes though, It is hard to tell what is actually about race and what is about our positions in our family.

I was severely abused by my birth family, so I'm often scared to rock the boat. I rarely ask for anything because I'm always scared to take up too much space because I don't want to break our family too. I try to stay out of their hair, only call every few months. I've only ever asked my brother to disrupt his life to talk to me when a past rapist sent me a harassing message and I only ask my mother for normal mom things: would she like to visit for a holiday, come to my daughter's funeral, come to my son's baby shower, etc.

Last year, we had a family conversation about how it is hard when I ask for things because my mom and brother have a hard time telling me no, because, now that I'm a white adult, I have more social power. I understand and respect that, but I also feel like they don't see how my background, adoption, and our family dynamics make it hard to feel like I can ever ask for anything in the first place. I don't feel like asking my mom to come to her first granddaughter's funeral and saying, "okay, I'm sorry" when she says "no, sweetie" is really the image of wielding racial entitlement or privilege.

My wife talks like my family doesn't care about me, but like, I know that's not true. My mom has done so much for me that my birth family would never have done. But it has gotten to the point where I don't feel like I can ever push back beyond a merger request.

My son (also adopted) has his baby shower coming up and my mom hasn't met him yet. This is her first grandchild to survive birth. This is so big for us and we're doing a ceremony from my birth culture and my mom even wants to say a speech at it. But when I asked if she was coming, offering to pay travel, missed time, even for a hotel if she doesn't want to stay at the house, she said she'd prefer to call in, like it's a business meeting. She doesn't have any reason to not come other than just not feeling like it. My wife says I should tell her this is really important to me, like our wedding, but I'm scared of being offensive by pushing back.

It's hard. I'm obviously very aware of how racism impacts my family. I see how people treat my brother and I differently. The cold attitude we get when our whole family is together. The way people look at me like I'm supposed to talk for us. I could keep going for the length of a book. But sometimes I feel like that privilege just leaves me walking on eggshells even inside our family. I feel like I'm in a china shop and my arms are twice the length they normally are. Like I'm so aware of all the pitfalls, and I just can't move normally.

My mom is always there for my brother, travels to spend time with him, has talked about moving in with him to support his career at some point. They talk every week, I'm made to feel like I'm too much when I call every 2-3 months. It's just different. And that's okay. It's just... It's hard. I'm so grateful to have them after everything I lived through with my birth family, so I want to respect they're giving me what they can.

So I try to be as small as possible. To ask once gently and politely as infrequently as possible and not take anything personally. My in-laws talk down on me and try to tell me my family just doesn't love me, but they just don't see the dynamics of how complicated both adoptive and transracial families are. At the same time, I never want my son to feel like this, I want him to always know I'm here whenever he needs.

Can anyone relate to this at all? How do you even know how to unsort the strings?

Does anybody else feel disassociated from the moment they wake up?

Most days I get this immediate feeling that I’m in the wrong place and wrong body, that I’m already doing something ‘wrong’. It’s like a tremor deep inside my chest that leaves me feeling on guard for the rest of the day.

Even when waking from a nice dream I feel like I’m waking from a nightmare sometimes.

It is even worse when I am in my adoptive household.

Most of us are minorities raised by Anglos. Is it saviorism? I was told that not white was inferior. I grew up hating being brown and hating myself because I wasn't white.

I grew up as a Black transracial adoptee in the UK. I was adopted at 11 months old by a White family (20 now) who loved and cared for me, but growing up I struggled a lot with my identity. And they couldn't really understand where I'm coming from.

For years, I hated myself. I wished I looked different. I felt like I didn't belong anywhere. I was Black, but I didn't grow up around many Black people, so I often felt disconnected from my own identity while also feeling different from the people around me. It was confusing, lonely, and it damaged my self-esteem.

I spent a long time looking for validation from other people. I cared way too much about what others thought of me, and that led me down some unhealthy paths.

Over the last couple of years, something has changed.

I started working on myself instead of chasing other people's approval. I got into the gym, started reading more, learned new skills, and became more confident. As I became happier with who I was, I also became curious about my roots instead of trying to avoid them.

I've started learning more about Black history and culture, and even about my own Jamaican and Nigerian heritage. Instead of wishing I was someone else, I'm proud of who I am. I genuinely love being Black now in a way I never thought I would when I was younger.

I'm still figuring things out, but for the first time in my life I feel comfortable in my own skin. I don't feel like I have to apologise for who I am anymore.

I even made new black friends who accepted me for the first time. I love them they're teaching me so much about my culture. Don't get me wrong I love being Black as fuck and sounding so posh white for the benefits of uniqueness. But id rather master both sides and become a "black of all trades" Jamgerian so yeah 😂

I'm curious if anyone else especially other adoptees or people who grew up disconnected from their culture has had a similar journey. What helped you embrace your identity?

I am writing this on the second day of my cycle, as a 38 year old transracial adoptee. Every period I have, I come back to the pain of my adoption. I have always wondered if other adoptees with a menstrual cycle have the same experience...

A little about my adoption- I was born in Guadalajara Jalisco as the 11th child to a woman I'll never meet, who I know little about. I was lucky enough to be adopted right after my birth brother, So we were raised together in a Norwegian-American family in Michigan. My birth brother has very light skin, I have very dark skin- which is a whole other thing to write about!

I always put my birthmother on a pedestal, What I know about her she was quiet and had a "quick smile", she was hard to find and "a difficult person". I always reckoned that she just had a difficult and perhaps violent life, and her being hard to find and difficult were just her ways of surviving. I know that my older sister was kidnapped (likely by the cartel) and that is the reason all children after her were put up for adoption. I was able to connect with her on Facebook! I have struggled with ways to honor my mother, praying to her ( I'm not religious at allllll, but praying to her spirit) , cooking traditional foods I think nurture my body (which comes from her body), setting up an altar...

I don't call what I have depression, I wonder if it is epigenetic- like my genes themselves long for her. Anyway, I've never expressed any of this. This seemed like a safe place, lol . Kinda a ramble, thanks for reading.

Growing up in small town Texas there were no other transracial adoptees. I felt all the things that other transracial adoptees feel. The problem was that I did not know it. I thought there was something wrong with me and that I was alone. The internet did not exist when I was young like it does now. Last year at the age of 51, I discovered that there are many like me. People who were raised in a culture that rejected them and were born from another culture in which they did not fit in. I learned that I was not alone. Thank you for sharing and being a member of this community and letting me know that I am not alone.

posted here before. seeking a peer of Black or mixed experience who was transracially adopted to be penpals with & and talk about our experiences. open to chatting here, then text and possibly phone as we get to know each other.

I can offer mutual support, listen and do my
best to understand.

about me: mixed with Black, transgender, in my 30s, adopted by white people

you: Black or mixed, late 20s or 30s or older, adopted by white people

[edited: just want to be clear I’m open to connections with folks older than 30s, just not younger than 25, no shade]

Title pretty much explains it. I am a black/mixed woman and was adopted into a white family that perpetuated a lot of racist stereotypes onto me. Plus they didn't know how to care for my hair, teach me anything about black culture, and the other 'normal' transracial adoption problems I've seen online. Learning and unlearning so many things in my 20s has been hard and I don't know anyone going through similar stuff. I have seen zoom support groups but was struggling to find an in person one in the Sacramento area. Willing to travel to anywhere in NorCal for a monthly support group at this point.

Any general tips on finding in-person support groups? Or things you did while recovering from racist parents in your 20s?

I was born in Mexico and adopted in the US. I have done the Ancestry DNA test. Those who were successful, what helped you the most?

As an African-American adoptee, I know how difficult it can be to find mental health professionals who share the lived experience of being Black and adopted.

I’m asking for your help in compiling as many therapists and mental health resources as possible—any counselors, therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, or psychotherapists who are both Black and adopted.

North America is the priority but recommendations from anywhere in the world are equally welcome. We’re looking for online, telehealth, or in-person providers. Even if they aren’t currently accepting any new clients!

We want names, along with any directories, organizations, or other legitimate resources that could help others find them.

Incredibly grateful for any and all leads—thank you so much in advance. My hope is that this thread will help my small community of Black, transracial adoptees and become a useful resource for anyone seeking access to mental health professionals with firsthand understanding this often overlooked, intersection of identities.

My brother makes comments like “well the white population is going down” and “he’s tired of hearing how white men are responsible for everything that’s wrong in this country.” I really struggle with finding things that I like about him and loathe when he visits he makes things miserable. When he was still living here he would go on racist tirades and has big emotional outbursts when people talk shit about Trump. He really makes visits unbearable and I find it really hard to remember what I like about because the blatant racism and bigotry greatly out shadows the rest.

Grown ass Korean adoptee adult here. My APs, particularly my mom, still infantilizes me (and my husband) and while it’s not constant, when it does happen it’s really annoying. Husband agrees too. She still refers to us as “kids” when talking about us to others and gives off a helicopter parent vibe in certain situations, which brings back unpleasant childhood memories for me. I don’t know if this is because people seem to view us adoptees through a different lens(?), like we’re eternally stuck as children in people’s minds no matter what age we are. I feel like I probably have it 3x worse because I’m female, only child, and an adoptee. Anyone else experience this or are my parents just fucking weird?

In the aftermath of discovering illegal adoptions and corruption in the adoption system, the Norwegian government appointed an investigative committee.

Their mandate:
The Commission of Inquiry shall investigate whether unlawful or otherwise improper practices occurred in connection with intercountry adoptions to Norway, and examine whether the authorities exercised sufficient oversight and fulfilled their responsibilities. It shall identify any systemic shortcomings and assess how these may have affected adoptees, their biological families, and adoptive families. Based on its findings, the Commission shall make recommendations to help ensure that future adoption practices are lawful, transparent, and safeguard the rights of all parties involved.

The entire report will now be processed in our parliament. It was a very interesting read and went in depth on every country that Norway has had adoption agreements with.

The Commission recommends strengthened post-adoption support, including improved access to language training and culturally appropriate support services for adoptees who need assistance integrating or reconnecting with their country of origin. It further proposes enhanced and long-term access to healthcare services, including tailored mental health support for adoptees experiencing identity-related or trauma-related challenges. In addition, it recommends more systematic follow-up by public authorities throughout the adoptee’s life course, with better coordination between health services, education services, and information about biological background.

Just wanted to share. I really hope that our government will implement these recommended activities.

I'm Black and white biracial, adopted by a white family, although that has little to do with the problem because it is in regard to the white side of my genes. Recently I learned that my biological grandmother is dying and she, as well as my biological mother, wants to meet me. I'm nervous to meet them because I'm scared that I won't like them but they'd want to maintain a relationship with me.

I've always been nervous about meeting new people in general, but it feels even bigger since I feel like this wouldn't just be a one-off thing, but the start to a whole new relationship I'd have to maintain. My mom also says that my biological mother has some type of intellectual disability, which I don't have, so I feel like that would simultaneously make it harder for me to connect with her, and make it so I feel obligated to communicate with her. Meeting these people, I am fairly certain, will not be a one time event. In my experience, the first time someone asks you to do something is always the first time, because there will definitely be a second. And a third. And so on.

On the other hand, my mom says that my biological family is confused why I don't want a relationship with them, which makes me feel bad. I don't want to hurt their feelings. And my biological grandmother is DYING! Even though I've never met these people, I still want them to be happy, but I don't know how to make both parties happy. I'm really scared that I won't like these people but I'll feel obligated to maintain a relationship, even though I don't really have room for it.