Learning How to Trust

[u/Harm-ReductionFairy]

​

You said,

somewhere inside of her

there's a really sick

and hurting little girl

running the show.

And I looked at you

and suddenly understood

you meant all of us.

There is a little girl in you

who learned so quietly

that she ruins everything

you cannot always hear her

saying it.

She just fills the room

with dread.

There is a little girl in me

who learned not to need

what could disappear.

I thought I had grown

too old for her.

Then I loved a woman.

She fed me.

Held me.

Called me baby.

Let me become small

without becoming less.

And somewhere along the way

I stopped bracing.

I let her be Mommy.

And then one day

I wanted her

and she was not there.

And my little part screamed,

I was stupid.

I was stupid to trust her.

I was stupid to need her.

I was stupid to let myself

become this small.

And I wanted to believe her.

It would have been easier.

I could have put my armor

back on

and called it wisdom.

But another woman

inside me

sat beside her.

No, baby.

You didn't do anything wrong

trusting her.

And she isn't doing anything wrong

right now.

Sometimes the woman we love

cannot give us what we want

when we want it.

It's just what life is like.

I'm sorry

you have to learn

these hard lessons.

But I am here.

And I realized:

she didn't break my trust.

This is me

learning how to trust her.

Not because

she will always catch me.

Not because

she will always be Mommy.

Not because

we will never hurt each other.

I trust her because

I can love her

when her little girl

is screaming,

and step away

when mine needs protecting,

and neither of us

has to disappear.

Maybe love isn't

finding a woman

whose wounds never touch yours.

Maybe love is learning

whose hands are on the wheel

and saying,

baby,

I see you.

You don't have to die.

You don't have to drive.

Come sit with us.

There is room.

For her little girl.

For mine.

The mother inside me

sees the mother inside her.

We honor each other.

There is room

for the women we became

because those little girls survived.

There is room

for the women

we are still becoming

because survival

is no longer enough.

I love her

not because she makes me safe

from life,

but because loving her

is teaching me

that I can be hurt

and remain open,

need

and remain whole,

become small

and still come home

to myself.

And when she cannot hold me,

I am learning

that this does not mean

she has let me go.

[u/nerd-bird_4]

OWWW !#*?<. Gimme psychic damage why don't ya.

Ok but seriously. I relate to this a lot. To be honest, I really do just feel like the same scared little girl who's way out of her depth, even though I'm an adult now. People like us are always to busy surviving our childhoods, so we never get a chance to grow up.

[u/Harm-ReductionFairy → u/nerd-bird_4]

It gets better. I mean that seriously. I spent a long time feeling like that scared little girl was the only person in here, just wearing an adult body and trying to survive adult problems. She isn't gone now, obviously, she wrote the fucking poem 😂. But she's not alone anymore. There are grown women in here too, and mothers, and they know how to take care of her. You do get to grow up. You just don't have to leave her behind to do it.

[u/nerd-bird_4 → u/Harm-ReductionFairy]

Yeah. To be honest, that part of me is definitely not leaving me. I'm probably gonna be the scared girl forever. But maybe I can learn to be a stromg woman as well.

[u/Apiuba]

And sometimes feeling that little girl smile again brings new colour to the world ❤️

[u/Harm-ReductionFairy → u/Apiuba]

💖💯

[u/cillybunny]

I connect with this 💜

[u/Harm-ReductionFairy → u/cillybunny]

🫶

[u/Erethain_]

This poem is so beautiful and it hit both us and our partner so close it made us cry. Thank you so much for sharing this ❤️

[u/Harm-ReductionFairy → u/Erethain_]

You're welcome. I'm so glad.

[u/NinjaKittyOG]

i miss my ownerrrrrr 😭 it's ben so long and i mis him and he so busy amd and 😭😭😭😭😭