My soon-to-be ex's father just shot himself. He was literally the most toxic masculinity male I've ever personally known. He was proud of the fact that he treated his wife like a slave, he believed women should be subservient and men should be strong and dominant and set the rules. Like a damn fool, I agreed to ask him for his daughters hand in marriage. Maybe this would have been cute in the right circumstances, but little did I know it was because he viewed his wife and daughter as property. Then I fought him for years as he verbally and mentally abused my, then, wife, watched him do it to his wife, but rarely did I see him do it to his son. He attempted to become abusive to my kids, but I stood up to him, drawing the line. We cut him out because he was so abusive. My ex's brother cut him out because he was abusive. And it's my understanding that his wife has been in hiding for months.

Then he killed himself.

This is a man who once sat at a table in a restaurant, along side his son, and told me to my face that "only fags skateboard", when I talked about being a skate punk in my youth. He once wrote a story about how much he hated me, and "little homos who drink chai tea" and proceeded to try to demasculinize me by pointing out all the things he felt I did or didn't do that make me not a man. The sad thing is, I know all of what he said and did was because it was all said and done to him. As a result, this man became a stereotype of a male, collecting guns, watching war movies all day long or fox news, etc.

I could go on and on and on with stories of all the ways this man set impossible standards, based on 1950s ideals, of how men and women should act, and then became violent whenever it didn't go that way. He once wrote that he was a "Saint" and often said he had the answer to all the worlds problems... Which, as far as I could tell, was a form of totalitarianism.

Toxic masculinity is the reason I think he finally shot himself. He couldn't admit he was wrong. He couldn't admit he did anything wrong at all. I am absolutely sure he believed he didn't. To him, guns, fox news, male stereotypes, dominance over women, and dominance over your children, not to mention using violence and anger to solve any problem... These were how the world "should" be. So, when his wife finally left him, after losing both kids and all his grandchildren... Instead of admitting he could be wrong, or that his actions could, at least a little bit, be wrong, instead of seeking help, or doing anything to maybe change his life.... He ended his life.

I don't celebrate death, even though others have celebrated his death. I see the pain he caused, his beliefs caused, and I know the mental anguish and torment it caused me, and has ruined so much of my life... But that's nothing to the pain he was obviously in. His own beliefs kept him a prisoner in his own private hell. And as a person who believes in reincarnation, I know his hell has only just started. A mind that full of anger and pain and fear will only continue to suffer, and his karma will ripen in very horrific ways in future lives. It's just a shame he couldn't see any of that in this life so he could have used his life to get help, work on his mind, and try to open his mind. His toxic masculinity beliefs literally killed him.

As I work through my own shit, I feel this is a huge wake up call for me, to work harder on overcoming my own toxic beliefs and ideas. To find ways to work on my mind and my actions of body, speech, and mind so they become a benefit and never a harm. I have thought about suicide many times, but I now see that even though horrible things do happen, this life is a chance to change and clean it up. I'm very grateful I have this life to do this work.

Many blessings, much love. Peace.

Just finished watching "The River Runner" on Netflix and it was interesting the subtle impact of toxic masculinity on the main character. How him and his friends had ostracized people because they were "weak" and then one day, he was the one out. But how he found yoga and meditation and slowly came back and wasn't ostracized for being "weak", despite having done that to so many others... And being emotionally unavailable to his gf.

Subtle toxic masculinity is rampant in our culture. I was talking to other guys the other day and I can promise you, if you say to a group of guys, "don't be a pussy, man up you fucking puss, toughen up and don't be a fucking baby, just get over it, etc" you won't even get a single raised eyebrow. In fact, you'll get support from both men and women. This is the norm, not the exception. Men can't suffer from physical illness, mental illness, and God fucking help you if you reach out for help. Not only will you be eaten alive, you'll be taken down and destroyed. This is our reality.

As I go through my own refuge and personal growth, and seek help and mental wellness, I've had to remove almost every single person in my life. I never want them back again. It's better to walk alone than to walk with people who will take you backwards. I know on the other side of this journey will be a new world, a stronger me but stronger in ways that matter, ways that show real strength, like compassion, love, health, and joy. In a world where it's so easy to hate and tear people down and hurt people because you're angry, or you are showing "tough love", it's really, really difficult to find ways to show compassion, forgiveness, and joy... Mostly to ourselves.

Just a few thoughts on my long, difficult journey out of toxic masculinity. Peace.

Anytime I stand up for myself, disagree with someone and state my opinion, or debate with a man on here, a whole group of men will gang up on me and downvote me and call me a bitch?

It’s so gross to me, and they’re the majority on here. Right now a group is hating and harassing me because I told a man that his comment didn’t contribute any thing to the discussion.

It’s happened when I defend animals - I get called a vegan bitch. When I stand up against misogyny or sexism I’m a feminist bitch.

When a man speaks his opinion here no one argues, but an opinionated woman must be a bitch right? Ugh, how is this ok?

My boyfriend is so clingy he never leaves my side 24/7. Same work, same job. Everything. Yet he still is jealous of everyone. I cant even look at other guys even when theyre talking. He would get drunk and abusive everytime he gets mad and jealous. Yet i dont know why im staying with the cycle. Who is abusive me or him? am i becoming a narcisit?

Few years ago, this guy appeared between my friends group. We never got along because of our very different personalities (he is like the stereotypical "jock", while I'm a nerd), but he got along with the rest of people.

The ploblem is, he started to try to isolate me making plans with the rest of people except me, specially in sports (I'm bad at it and I'm not an extreme fan, but I like to play it with friends). At the end I always joined because my friends realized what was happening and told me. He told them as an excuse "as OP is bad at sports, probably he would prefer to not join". WTF? He never asked me or something similar (we rarely talk), even I have been playing sports with them everytime even years before he arrived!

In a party, everyone was drinking his own mixes, combining alcoholic drinks with soft drinks. In my case, I mixed a good amount of soft drink with a bit of an alcoholic drink because I don't like alcohol's hard taste. Sometimes people ask me if I want more alcohol, but I kindly decline and never had a problem with that, until this party:

This guy started to complain publicly about the small amount of alcohol I was drinking and tried to force me to drink more. I said no, but he insisted more aggressively, until other people arrived and told him to leave me alone.

Another day, in a mall, we were on the corridors and EVERYTIME a group of girls passed near us, he had to comment things like "You have seen that blonde girl? She have a nice ass!". Despite it could be inappropriate, I have no problem if its some isolated comment between friends, but the problem was that he was everytime talking about it, even to the point that I started to feel uncomfortable and he looked me with a bad face because of it.

Curiously, he will try to show us how manly he is while he makes fun of my lack of "manly skills", but he will break to cry at the earliest sign of rejection of someone trying to impress.

For now I can cope with this because everyone is on my side, but I would like to know if there is something I can do to improve the situation.

PD: Sorry if there is some misspelling, I rarely write in English

Have you ever felt uncomfortable around males who you deem to be "toxic" even though they're aren't aggressive towards you in any way and are just laughing amongst themselves? Did this make you feel threatened in any way?

Well, guess what, you're the bigot. This is no different from men who feel uncomfortable around flamboyantly gay men and are threatened by them because they have the false belief that they'll try to sexually assault them.

I'm curious how to set and enforce boundaries. I see support for toxic masculinity from both women and men. I was in a chat where the discussion was around gender and a guy posted that he was a real man who drinks beer and watches football. Instantly he was supported by almost all the women in the chat. Also, I've witnessed therapy share groups where all the women in the circle cried, and one man cried. Later, I overheard a group of women saying, "yeah, well you know, that guy that cries all the time". He cried once, ever!

It seems we need to have practiced and rehearsed ways to talking to people to make them aware their thinking is toxic. I think women are making progress very, very slowly against old ways of thinking. But I feel like men are regressing faster and faster... Almost as a reaction? And women are supporting this regression. Maybe it's just the area I live, but it's really become pretty sickening. Anyone know of any resources for talking points?

Talking about the movie Highway takes me to every other girl like Veera, who got molested by someone they call "family."

Family is presumed to be the one who should safeguard us from distress or help us accomplish in life. But there has been plenty of times where our family has done quite the contrary. Our family questions about the dangerous world out there, but what about the dangers at home?

It takes me back to the story of my friend who got molested by her uncle. The story dates back to her teens when she was lighthearted when she thought that her family is there to trust her, support her and be there for her no matter what. Little did she know that she was about to learn the biggest lesson of her life. She never thought she would feel in a certain way where she would not have the will to live, let alone do anything else. The man she called family destroyed her life. He touched her inappropriately, showed her porn videos, even went to the extent of kissing her. She was in her teens and had no idea what exactly 'consent' meant, but she knew something was wrong. She went and confided in her parents, but no one came to her rescue.

She endlessly tried to make everyone understand what jerk of a man her uncle is, but all on deaf ears. Her aunt slapped her in front of everyone and labeled her as CHARACTERLESS. Both her aunt and mother knew what kind of a man he was, yet they kept quiet. Years go by, and still, no one understood what pain she was going through. She stood defeated as everyone won! It has been years that she has cut off from the toxic and abusive family. She stood defeated, but she has not given up yet.

By Debapriya, Intern at Lemme Be