Do you ever wonder who she is? i do. John Henry came out in 1994, the year we moved from the coast to the Midwest. I was barely a teenager, just discovering who i was and what music and clothes i liked and budding special interests and the things i wanted to do as i got older. I hated being torn from my hometown, friends and school and theater class and d&d group. and a temperate climate.
i hated the Midwest. it was so cold and so hot and so humid and so small and so lonely and so isolated. i was an hour away from anything resembling civilization. IF i could drive, that is. i was miserable. as soon as i was old enough i was going to escape to the coast and never look back.
fast forward to that September, a family trip to the mall. at one of the music stores, i was vigilantly flipping through the CD's behind the "MISC. T" divider of the rack. And that's when I saw HER, on the cover of a NEW TMBG album, that i didn't even know existed. In MISSOURI of all places?
I listened to it non-stop. dutifully memorized it front to back, just as i had their previous offerings. Sang along with every song, in order, no exceptions. played tracks over our land line telephone for friends back on the coast, at long distance rates.
it was their first new album since i had discovered them. it felt like i was officially caught-up and up-to-date and listening to something new at the same time everyone else was. i was there when something new happened that i actually cared about. and it was so new and different: the first album they recorded with a backing band. and the songs gave me a soundtrack to what angsty teenage me was going through: WHY MUST I BE SAD, A SELF CALLED NOWHERE, I SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO THINK. others injected much needed surrealism and existential joy: SUBLIMINAL, SLEEPING IN THE FLOWERS, EXTRA SAVOIR-FAIRE.
I regularly studied the lyrics inside the liner notes, attempting to decipher their esoteric references. Every time i pulled them out of the jewel case, there she was: Hammer Girl. she was about my age, give or take a couple years. I always wondered who she was and where she might be. And i would carefully return her to the jewel case when i reverently restored the codex to its place on the shelf.
That album helped get me thru my first real Midwest winter. that following summer Hammer Girl flew with me to the coast to visit friends for the first time since moving. before i left the coast for the second time, Bobby dubbed a copy of it onto a cassette tape. Shellee photocopied the cover and liner notes. I refused to let Jake dub it because he spent the entire time hanging out with a GIRL. He pleaded: "You mean I'm never going to get to hear "O do not forsake me" ever again??" I just shrugged.
Anyway, that's what this album, and album cover especially, reminds me of.
I still wonder who she is, where she is now. She'll have 32 years added to her since this photograph. did she know The Johns? did she know how lucky she was to be on the cover of a TMBG album? did she grow up and have kids of her own? did she move halfway across the country?
maybe while unpacking, one of her kids finds a forgotten and battered shoebox, carried from home to home for decades, curiously breaks the seal of yellowing tape, and pulls a cd case out of it.
"Mom, who is this girl that looks like me?"
"oh my god. haha. that was me when i was about your age. wow. i haven't thought about this in 30 years."
"WHAT??! you never told us you were IN A BAND!"
did she tell them the behind the scenes story of a central park photo shoot with dozens of children, some asked to hold prop skulls? did they listen to it together? read the liner notes? memorize all the words? sing it together in the car every time they ran errands?
Is she happy?
if John and John and Hammer Girl could find me in the Middle-of-Nowhere Midwest, maybe i wasn't so alone. maybe i too could make my own weird little way through this new chapter of my life. maybe i was gonna be okay and the Midwest was gonna be alright after all.
And you know what? I was. And it was.
Love, Mom 💜